Lawrence Eisenberg

By Lawrence Eisenberg

Published By New Choices Magazine, December 1994/​January 1995.

On a recent Friday morning in June, my wife and I boarded a cruise ship in Monte Carlo for a 14-day voyage around the Mediterranean. After a fast cappucino, we explored the ship and found, tacked on a bulletin board near one of the bars, several long pink pages of world news, as reported by a satellite communications service. They informed us that four middle-eastern countries were rumored to have the elements for nuclear bombs--sold to them by Russians; Israelis and Palestinians--had attacked government buildings on each others’ soil, killing a dozen children; the dollar had sunk to a new low against the Euro; earthquakes, floods and hurricanes had devasted cities on three continents, leaving thousands of casualties; and JLo’s most recent romance wasn't working out.

This cast a vague pall on the rest of the day. Yet the following morning, just before we docked in the port for Rome, I couldn't resist rushing to the bulletin board to get the newest world catastrophes. In place of the pink sheets was a sign that read, "Sorry, no news on weekends." And I thought: If ever there was a reason to take a cruise, this was it. Having sailed aboard 22 ships in most of the world's oceans and seas, I've found other reasons, and here are my top fourteen:

1-LIFE IS STRESS-FREE-You never have to worry about finding a decent restaurant or getting lost driving on a foreign road, or hailing taxis with creative meters to take you to airport after airport. Practically all your needs are taken care of, usually with good cheer and dispatch. And, since you only have to unpack once, you can take enormous amounts of clothing. Well...In preparation for an 18-day cruise of the Caribbean and South America, my wife packed nine dressy outfits. After we sailed, she realized she had forgotten to bring shoes. On the first night she painted her toenails silver and came barefoot. A couple of days later we docked in Aruba and she found a shop, where she bought three pairs of dressy shoes made--I'm serious--of cardboard. She has them mounted on the wall of her closet.

2-YOU MEET A VARIETY OF PEOPLE & MAKE NEW FRIENDS-Because most people on cruises are happy, they're on their best behavior, and diverse types band together to make a marvelous demographic mix. On a cruise aboard the Mississippi Queen , we became friendly with an environmental engineer from New York, a Miami-based behavioral psychologist, a Milwaukeen who manufactures glass blocks, honeymooners from northern Michigan, a Californian college freshman, who called people "dude," and a cardiac nurse from Clearwater, Florida, who celebrated her 72nd birthday on board. There seems to be no such thing as "acting your age" on the high seas. Speaking of which: On one cruise I asked the purser for a copy of the passenger list, to help me remember names. My wife scanned it, pointing out that I'd received an unedited list: next to each name was the person's passport number and date of birth. Imagine the feeling of power, knowing the exact age of everybody you meet. But you know what? During the next 13 days, at least seven people told us their ages, and not one lied.

Another Variety of Passenger-One cruise contained a number of titled Europeans (AKA world-class freeloaders): a principessa, two barons, several counts and countesses (including one who playfully stole blackjack chips from neighbors' stacks), and a Sir Ian Something from England, who was making the introductions. After I was presented to a middle-European duke and duchess, Sir Ian whispered in my ear, "He bought his title, you know." I said, "So how do I address him--'Your Fakeness'?"

3-YOU LOSE YOUR INHIBITIONS-The combination of salt air, a feeling of freedom and a captive audience brings out the wild child in some passengers. Several years ago, in the Greek port of Katakalon, we were at an outdoor cafe on the harbor, lazily watching the skipper of a tiny fishing boat as he docked a couple of feet away. Sitting with us was Mildred (not her real name), a shy florist from Georgia, who smiled a lot, but rarely talked. Without warning, she leaped out of her chair and called to the fisherman, "How would you like to take us for a little ride around the port?" Those were more words than she had spoken during the first two days onboard and, as my wife and I stared in disbelief approaching alarm, she began bargaining with him in Greek, another shocker. Then she leaped aboard his boat, beckoning us to follow. The result: for a total of $14, the skipper broke open a bottle of ouzo and gave us a whirlwind 25-minute sail around the harbor, accompanied by the sloshing of netted fish at our feet and Mildred's giggly commentary about how great life was on the high seas. We disembarked right at our ship's gangway, impressing the hell out of the other passengers. Mildred never explained her transformation; she didn't need to. And, for the rest of the cruise, she was so lively that we thought she might have to be sedated.

Even I Lost My Inhibitions- One summer, at the port stop of Gytheon, Greece, an excursion took us to the prehistoric Dyros Caves. Inside, we boarded rowboats and, for the next 40 minutes, sailed along an underground lake, through the enchanting silvery-blue slalagmites and stalactites, in almost total silence--until somebody in our boat said, "Doesn't this remind you of Disneyland?." Without a pause, I led our boat in a long chorus of "It's a small world after all..."

And Lost Them Again-Two fellow passengers on one Mediterranean cruise were New York clergymen--Monsignor Jack and Father Bob. On the island of Elba, walking up the steep path to Napoleon's house, the Monsignor was humming, "Get Me To the Church on Time." I said, "Jack, you're all business."

4-ACTIVITIES & ENTERTAINMENT ARE ENDLESS-Life is a cabaret on a cruise. Aside from professional entertainment, bingo, movies, slot machines (with the worst odds on the planet), basket-weaving, trap shooting and lessons in magic tricks and ethnic dancing, most cruises feature a "guest talent night," when wannabe Sinatras, Streisands and Garlands gargle through "Strangers In the Night," "I Wanna Be Me" and “Over the Rainbow,” while at least one pianist on every cruise will play “The Minute Waltz”--motivating some passengers to consider leaping overboard. On the S.S. Independence, cruising Hawaii, a Chicago-based priest sang "My Way." I wondered: Shouldn't it have been "His Way"?

Most ships devote one night to a passenger masquerade, where, among the pirates and bellydancers you sometimes find wonderful creativity. Aboard the Norwegian Sea, a couple came as a sculptor and his marble statue; two men, in blankets and turbans, were strident middle-eastern peddlers, offering junk jewelry and counterfeit Cartier purses; and a group of 16 from Tokyo did a sensational Kabuki performance which they'd rehearsed at home for weeks. Aboard another vessel, a woman none of us liked bought a slinky dress in the boutique, telling the salesperson --in the hearing of one of my gang--that she was planning to dress as Mata Hari for the masquerade. One of the men in our crowd bought the same dress and also came as Mata Hari with a mustache.

5-YOU CAN EAT AROUND THE CLOCK-Dieters and the eternally vigilant can order nutritionally correct dishes on every cruise, but, since four hefty meals-a-day, plus fulltime snacks, are the norm, cautious eating is almost non-existent, and Cholesterol might as well be the name of a Mediterranean island. At an open seating breakfast aboard the Regal Empress, I sat next to a sixty-plus woman who consumed: tomato juice; grapefruit, corn flakes with cream, blueberries and bananas; western omelet with sides of sausage, bacon, and liver pate; broiled kippers; fries; buttered croissants; pastry; and coffee, with non-fat milk and saccharine. Before leaving, she asked for some fruit to carry her over until lunch.

6-YOU CAN ALSO DRINK AROUND THE CLOCK-Nobody has to drive, go to work, or do anything the next day. On one trip we witnessed two men falling-down drunk (I'm talking Lee Marvin in "Cat Ballou") for the entire seven-day cruise. While sight-seeing in Portofino, we were speaking to their wives (the men were on board, sleeping it off.) One wife said, "It's a shame our husbands are missing the sightseeing, even though we're getting this trip at a discount." I asked whether they were travel agents. "No," the other wife replied, "they’re pilots for (A MAJOR U.S. AIRLINE)."

7-OR YOU CAN ABSTAIN-If you and your friends want to form a discussion group, you may request the use of a lounge. Aboard the Sky Princess in the Caribbean one afternoon I heard an announcement about the location for a meeting of "Friends of Bill W" (AKA Alcoholics Anonymous).

8-EXERCISE—OR NOT-Some ships have golf courses. All have gyms and most offer aerobics classes. A couple of years ago, while touring Celebrity's Zenith in New York harbor, I dropped into the gym and was greeted by a twentyish guide. She pointed out the room's versatile facilities, then whispered conspiratorially, "We have special exercises for senior citizens." I forced a smile. Actually, I wanted to smack her face all the way to the Statue of Liberty, because, to me, a senior citizen is someone in his late 90s. All I said was, “Who asked you?

9-IT'S A TIME FOR PERSONAL CONTEMPLATION-Staring at the endless configurations and colors of water is one of the most soothing, inspirational experiences I know. The waves are in no hurry and, after a while, neither are you, so all the cobwebs in your head clear and life seems as graceful and renewing as the water. In 1983, on assignment for a magazine, I covered the filming of "The Love Boat" episode in China, aboard the Pearl of Scandinavia (now known as the Ocean Pearl). On the afternoon before the end of the 14-day voyage, I spotted one of the show's guest stars, Linda Evans, a sweet, generous woman, standing at the rail alone, a kerchief covering her head, and staring at the horizon. I walked up and said, "Excuse me Linda, you look as though you're pondering the fate of the world. Would you care to share your thoughts?" She nodded and, in her warm, husky voice, said "I'm thinking that if I don't get to some peroxide soon, my career is over."

10-SIGHTSEEING WITHOUT PAIN-Someone once described sightseeing on a cruise as being equivalent to a platter of hors doevres. You get a smattering, but you're still hungry. Yet, if you like the place, you can always return for a longer stay. In cruise mode I've sailed through the Panama Canal and enjoyed the Blue Grotto in Capri; Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro; the silk factories of Soujou, China; Mayan ruins in Mexico; the Alcazar of Seville; Jamaica's spectacular Dunn's River Falls; the world's largest banyan tree in Maui; a ballet performance in Odessa; the Old City of Jerusalem; and that vast Caribbean shopping mall that calls itself St. Thomas.

11-YOU CAN FIND ROMANCE-For people traveling alone, a cruise is an invitation to romance. Some ships even employ male "escorts" to dance with unattached women, though they're warned not to dance with the same person twice in a row. Several summers ago, aboard the Stella Solaris, Marge (a pseudonym), a teacher from the west coast, buttonholed each new person she met to say, confidentially, that, 17 years earlier, she'd had a romance with an officer aboard a sister ship, the Stella Oceanis. Now, since both vessels were docking in Piraeus on the same day, she had booked a cruise on the Oceanis, to follow the end of ours. Her plan: a surprise visit to her long-ago lover. Can you imagine the speculation among other passengers? ("He's lost his hair, gained 40 pounds and will be happy to introduce her to his wife and 11 children," etc.). At the end of the day, the Stella Solaris’ cruise director telephoned the captain of the Stella Oceanis and was assured that his officer had successfully weathered the years and the reunion had gone well. You could almost hear the sigh of relief all over Piraeus. As for the wife-and-kids speculation: he had them when he first met Marge.

12-SHOPPING WITHOUT GUILT-The near-manic energy generated by a cruise seems to create an obligation to spend money recklessly, even if it's only to pick up sappy souvenirs, most of which will end up at a yard sale before the year is out (Outside the Colosseum in Rome last year, peddlers were hawking cigarette lighters that played "Happy Birthday" when you lit up, the irony seeming to escape customers). In 1989, "The Love Boat" filmed its final episode, aboard the Sky Princess, in the Caribbean, and I was aboard, covering for a magazine. Since most of the show's Hollywood-based cast and crew were blackbelt shoppers--and had the money to spend--it was fun to tag along. As soon as we disembarked on Antigua, unaided by a map, the entire Hollywood group headed straight to the island's Gucci shop, which, they had heard, had the best prices in the world. As huge quantities of merchandise changed hands, my friend, Carol Whelan, picked out a small purse. A nearby shopper suggested, "Why don't you get the larger size?" Shaking her head, Carol said primly, "I'm trying to simplify my life." I pointed out that simplifying her life at Gucci would, in no time at all, bring her neck-and-neck with the accomplishments of Mother Teresa.

It's not unusual, at the end of a day in, say, Egypt, to see half the female passengers wearing Cleopatra T-shirts and ersatz "turquoise and silver" junk jewelry sold by swarms of pernicious peddlers near the Pyramids. On one Caribbean island cruise, a man who had stayed on board when we hit Barbados, was greeted hours later by his wife and three young daughters, their hair in cornrows, which they'd had done by a roaming beach hairdresser.

SHOPPERS BEWARE:One summer, on the Greek island of Santorini, we accompanied a fellow passenger into a jewelry store, where she inquired about a Cartier watch. The owner poured wine for us, then said he would give her this discount and that one and would forgo his profit on something else and give her yet one more discount for being so beautiful. Punching merrily on his calculator, he triumphantly gave her the bargain price--which was $400 more than the watch cost in Los Angeles.

13-IT’S A TIME FOR GROUND-BREAKING (MAYBE) IDEAS:The ship’s doctor aboard one cruise was a plastic surgeon on land. I asked him, "Could you do something about my jawline in the next couple of days?" He smiled and said, "Two days aren't enough," explaining hurriedly that "I would want to do it carefully." Then I had a great idea for a month-long theme cruise: Personal Rejuvenation. He and a squad of other plastic surgeons would perform facelifts, tummy tucks, liposuction and every other kind of cosmetic surgery on all passengers, who wouldn't be embarassed about wearing bandages, because they'd all be, so to speak, in the same boat. And, at the end of the month, the ship would hold a contest to see which passengers could recognize the people they came with. The doctor said the concept was good, but the motion of the ship would not be conducive to delicate surgical procedures. I mean, in case of a storm, who wants to find his nose next to his left ear? Well, maybe the kinks can be worked out.

14-YOU ALWAYS FEEL GREAT-By the third day of a cruise, most passengers begin to look like those bizarrely grinning models in the brochures, who sip champagne in their cavernous cabins, as photographed by a distorted lens situated out in the hall. Indeed, aside from occasional seasickness, few people complain of anything and most feel reborn. Certainly, my wife and I are always at our best, healthwise, on a cruise, despite the overeating, sun-baking, late hours and frenetic activity. There are some exceptions. A doctor aboard a major cruise ship told me that he once treated a passenger who "had the flu and stomach pains. I prescribed nasal drops for his flu and Tylenol-type suppositories for his stomach. A few hours later he said the nasal drops had relieved him but he couldn't swallow the 'stomach pills' because they were too big."

BUT ONCE YOU DISEMBARK: I've been home for four days since my last cruise. I'm regularly passing out like a kitten, the floor is still moving, and I need an aspirin the size of Montana.
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Copyright Lawrence Eisenberg. 2012. All Rights Reserved