Lawrence Eisenberg

ISSUE 103-January 23, 2012.

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-DESPITE WHAT DICTIONARIES & WORLD ATLASES SAY, HERE ARE MY OPINIONS OF CERTAIN WORD ORIGINS:
CURRENT.....................ORIGINAL
KETCHUP.................... KETCHAM (IDAHO)
POLISH (NAIL,SHOE)..... POLISH (WARSAW CITIZENS)
TAMPAX......................TAMPA (FLORIDA)
MODESS..................... MODENA(ITALY)
CONDOM.................... CONDIMENT
SHIT......................... SHITAKE MUSHROOMS

2-I'M NOT INVITING THEM TO MY NEXT PARTY: "Pair Busted For Flaming Tampon Attack On Car"(the smoking gun, January 18, 2012). "Armed with flaming tampons...two young Pennsylvanians attempted to blow up a vehicle after severely vandalizing it, according to police. The bizarre January 7 incident outside a bar in Metal Township resulted in the arrest of Patricia Deshong, 25, and Quentin Deshong, 22, on a variety of charges, including attempted arson, public drunkenness, and criminal mischief. According to State Police troopers, the Deshongs seriously damaged a 2006 Ford Fusion, which had its windshield and windows either cracked or broken, was covered with dents, and had blood on the front passenger seat. The car’s hood was also open and various hoses had been disconnected. As for the flaming tampons, a probable cause affidavit notes that investigators 'discovered that the gas cap was removed and tampons were used to possibly ignite the gas tank.’ Additionally, ‘Tampon was used in the engine compartment where the oil fill cap is located.' Since 'ashes were at the gas cap area and the oil fill cap area,' troopers concluded that the tampons had been set ablaze at each spot. …When the Deshongs arrived at the police station, troopers reported, Patricia 'made threats stating that she was going to ‘fucking kill' a trooper following her release. AUTHORITIES MY ALSO CHARGE THEM FOR A "HOT TWAT OFFENSE."

3-OCCASIONAL THOUGHT: AFTER NEWT GINGRICH DIVORCES HIS CURRENT WIFE (THIS ONE NEEDN'T BE DYING OF A FATAL DISEASE), WHO WILL BECOME THE FOURTH MRS. GINGRICH? MY VOTE: ONE OF THE KARDOUCHEIANS.
SECOND THOUGHT: FOLLOWING THE DIVORCE, MRS. GINGRICH MIGHT JOIN A CONVENT AS SISTER CALLISTA. (SHE WOULD NEED AN EXTRA-LARGE HABIT TO COVER THAT CONTINENT OF HAIR...DO SOME CONVENTS ALLOW BLEACHING?)
THIRD THOUGHT: IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO JOIN A CONVENT, SHE CAN TAKE THE ADVICE OF CHAZ BONO AND CHANGE HER SEX---SO SHE WOULD BE CALLED MISTER CALLISTA.

4-"FERNANDO PORRAS SUSPECTED OF POISONING WIFE'S RICE KRISPIES" (A.P., JANUARY 14, 2012)."AZUSA, California--A Southern California man has been arrested on suspicion of putting poison in his wife's cereal. Los Angeles County jail records show 43-year-old Fernando Porras of Azusa was being held on $1 million bail Saturday on suspicion of the attempted murder of his 51-year-old wife, Fernanda. Azusa police Cpl. Randy Schmidt says the woman noticed a horrible taste and smell…in her Rice Krispies. Police allege Porras put a poisonous chemical in the cereal, but they didn't say what it was. Police Sgt. Dewayne Eldridge says the woman wasn't believed to be seriously harmed by the substance. CEREAL KILLER?

5-"COPS BELIEVE NORTH CAROLINA INMATE HID 10-INCH REVOLVER IN HIS RECTUM. LUCKILY IT WAS UNLOADED"(the smoking gun, January 13, 2012). "A man arrested this week in North Carolina may have stashed a .38 barrel revolver in his rectum, according to police, who reported that the unloaded 10-inch weapon was not discovered until after the suspect had been booked into a cell in the county jail. Michael Leon Ward, a 22-year-old Georgia resident, was arrested Monday after a trooper spotted him speeding. Ward, who resisted arrest, was subdued with the help of a stun gun...But it was only after Ward--who is a fugitive on a murder warrant out of Atlanta--entered the Onslow County jail that sheriff's investigators discovered what else he possessed. According to cops, Ward…summoned jailers to his cell, claiming that someone was trying to kill him, and that he discovered a gun inside his cell. The weapon was found in the toilet, where Ward claimed he tossed it after finding it in his bunk...Sheriff's investigators say they are investigating how Ward got the weapon into the jail, since he had been 'strip searched prior to being booked into a cell block.' The inmate...was taken to a local hospital 'for possible injuries that may have occurred to Ward's rectum where it is believed Ward may have concealed' the revolver. The gun, deputies reported, was test fired and found to be operational. COPS' ALLEGED FIRST OBSERVATION:"THAT FART SOUNDED JUST LIKE A GUNSHOT."

6-"INTERPOL: 'BUTT SLASHER' SUSPECT ARRESTED IN PERU" (Fairfax County News, Virginia News, WTOP, January 14, 2012). "WASHINGTON-Interpol says the man suspected of slashing women's behinds while they were shopping in Fairfax County stores has been captured in Peru. An Interpol official in Peru tells WTOP Johnny Pimentel, 40, was arrested Friday in a Lima mall...Fairfax County police learned that Pimental had fled to Peru, where he is originally from, in late December. …Nine slashings were reported between February and July of 2011 at malls and shopping centers in the county...Police believe he used a box cutter or something like it...There were no serious injuries reported in the attacks. Police have still not established a motive for the attacks. AN UNNAMED SOURCE MAINTAINS THAT PRIVATELY, PIMENTAL SAID: "PEELING A WOMAN'S ASS IS MY QUICK SOLUTION TO DIETING."

7-AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT: "MCKINNEY SCHOOL DISTRICT DENIES REMOVING BATHROOM DOORS TO PREVENT STUDENTS FROM HAVING SEX" (Huffpost Social News, January 14, 2012). "Students at a high school in McKinney, Texas would like just a little bit more privacy and with good reason--the doors to their bathrooms have been removed. McKinney North High School students and their parents are outraged at the invasion of privacy, but school officials claim the doors to bathroom entrances were removed to 'keep kids safe,'....'We've had a dialog about removing the doors from the restrooms for a couple of years,'...said (a) spokesman. 'The students felt like the reason we were removing them was because of some inappropriate sexual behavior in the restrooms, but that couldn't be further from the truth.'...Parents and students are calling the move an invasion of privacy, but school argues that the students still have the privacy to use the facilities since there is no line of sight from the hallway into the bathrooms. Cunningham told NBCDFW.com that restroom designs without exterior doors are becoming more common in new schools and in other locations such as airports. LET'S SEE HOW IT WORKS OUT WHEN AIRPLANES START DOING IT.

8-HERE'S ONE WAY TO JOIN THE PRIESTHOOD: "A Different Kind of Cell: The Story of a Murderer Who Became a Monk' (HuffPostSocialNews,January 14, 2012) written by Roman Catholic priest Paul Jones 'is the story of my pilgrimage with Clayton A. Fountain, widely regarded as the most dangerous and violent murderer in the history of the US federal prison system. Clayton's deadly spiral began in a violent fight with his sergeant in Vietnam. His attempt to escape prosecution involved an amazing stand-off with a SWAT team. Following his eventual capture, incarceration at Fort Leavenworth was far from successful, with Clayton engineering a daring escape. This book details how Clayton's transfer into successively heightened security prisons merely intensified his apparently untouchable incorrigibility--landing him at Marion, ,the end of the line. Even in solitary confinement at the highest security prison in the nation, Clayton's 'special forces' Marine training served him well as he managed to kill four more persons in succession--with his bare hands…Convinced that Clayton's punishment would ultimately be a complete mental breakdown, the key, in effect, was thrown away--leaving Clayton in total isolation for the rest of his life...My background could not be more different from Clayton's. Academically oriented, I taught at Yale, Princeton, and Saint Paul School of Theology. I was born, raised, and ordained as a Protestant, later becoming a Roman Catholic priest and a Family Brother of Assumption Abbey (Trappist)...I was pulled, in spite of myself, into the vortex of Clayton's unfolding drama--functioning first as his unintended spiritual director, gradually becoming a companion and eventually a friend in his unbelievable spiritual pilgrimage...His transformation began in experiencing love through correspondence with a woman he never could meet. She...encouraged him to seek a spiritual director, suggesting inquiry at a Trappist monastery that she had visited...Clayton began finding a new kind of determination, earning a GED and then teaching himself to type so that he could begin earning funds to begin a college correspondence course...During this time, he acquired his college degree with top honors...He began correspondence work on a PhD, at the time of his death being well on his way with all A's...Clayton Fountain was in fact becoming a gentle, caring person...If Clayton's transformation was authentic, then is anyone beyond the mercy of God? When he unexpectedly died under strange circumstance a cross bearing his name was placed in our monastic cemetery'" HEY, WHAT WERE THOSE STRANGE CIRCUMSTANCES?

9-ARTISTS/​SHMARTISTS: "ZHANG DAQIAN SURPASSES PICASSO AS TOP AUCTION EARNER" (HuffPosr Arts, January 13, 2012). "Chinese artist Zhang Daqian has knocked Picasso from a very high pedestal. The artist generated $506.7 million from auctions in 2011 alone. Close behind the best-seller was another Chinese artist, Qi Baishi. Warhol was third ($324.8 million) and Picasso ($311.6 million)--the former top seller--took fourth...Artinfo reports that it's been a steady and expected climb for the Chinese artists, as the biggest purses in the art world looked east after financial collapses in multiple western markets. The Chinese art market is the largest in the world, and many Chinese collectors have turned to their nation's own modern masters. Zhang lived from 1899 to 1983 and Qi Baishi lived from 1864-1957. Some of Zhang's pieces have sold for tens of millions, including a $14.77 million study of the alps, while Qi Baishi's "A Long Life, a Peaceful World" sold for an astounding $65 million in 2011...Picasso had topped the list 13 times in the past 14 years, according to Artprice, a French research organization that tracks auction sales by artist. Though we're sad to see Picasso get bumped, we also understand the world is quickly changing...MOO GOO GOODBYE PABLO.

10-CRY, DAMMIT! CRY IF YOU WANT TO STAY OUT OF JAIL! "NORTH KOREA TO PUNISH MOURNERS WHO WERE INSINCERE (HuffPost World, January 13, 2012): "You'd better watch out, you'd better cry. You'd better pout, I'm telling you why: North Korea's punishing insincere mourners...according to) the Daily NK, a South Korea-based publication in opposition of the North Korean regime, that 'authorities are handing down at least six months in a labor-training camp to anybody who didn't participate in the organized gatherings to mourn the death of Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il,' and to those 'who did participate but didn't cry and didn't seem genuine.' Newser reports that mourners who came off as insincere have already been sent to join the 200,000 other North Koreans already in labor camps. An Amnesty International report...estimates suggest that 40 percent of inmates die of malnutrition. The exact number of those to be sent to camps is unclear, reports the Daily Mail, but the paper estimates it could be in the thousands. OFF THE RECORD, NORTH KOREAN AUTHORITIES TELL ME THAT PUKING AND VIOLENT BOWL MOVEMENT DON'T REPRESENT "SINCERITY."

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ISSUE 102-December 18, 2011.

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR—THANK GOD! How many forests have been torn down to provide paper for the donation requests at this time of year? I hear from (a) Schools I attended, and many more from those I didn't, (2) Museums thoughout the country, (3 )Public TV stations, (4)Twenty employees of the building where we live--some we've never met--all of whom collect decent union salaries, (5)"Frankie's Friends," a dog & cat foundation in Tampa:No mention of who Frankie is/​was, (6) Somebody I've never seen, who delivers the morning newspaper to our door, referring to herself as the person who "brings you the New York Time".... BUT Here's a local gem:Until several days ago I had never used—nor heard of--Mitchell's ("The World's Finest Delivery Service"), but the following is a letter I received from them: "On behalf of our employees and management may we take this opportunity to wish you and yours a very HAPPY AND HEALTHY HOLIDAY SEASON.—THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATION FOR GRATUITIES However, since so many of our customers call us every season requesting the names of our drivers(UNDOUBTEDLY TYING UP THE PHONE LINES 24 HOURS-A-DAY), and since there are usually many drivers on each route, we feel obligated to pass this information on to you. If you should desire to participate in the Holiday Gift Pool for the drivers (and once again, please understand that this is entirely up to you), please use the enclosed return envelope. All checks should be made payable to "DELIVERY PEOPLE."
UPDATE: AND, ALL THROUGH THE SEVEN DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS, THEY KEPT FLOWING LIKE NIAGARA FALLS.
I'M WRITING A NOTE TO SANTA, ASKING HIM TO LOAD HIS SLED WITH HUGE BASKETS OF CASH FOR ALL THOSE NEEDY PEOPLE & ANIMALS--AND TO PAY MY RENT FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS......ME--NEEDY? DON'T BE ABSURD!.

2-"FORMER WORLD'S FATTEST MAN BEGS FOR NHS OPERATION TO REMOVE FOLDS OF SKIN AFTER LOSING 40 STONE." (MailOnline, November 26, 2011). "A British man who at one time was the fattest in the world is pleading with the NHS (NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE) to remove unsightly flaps of flesh after he managed to lose more than half of his body weight. Paul Mason, 50, who weighed 60 stone (BRITISH "STONE" EQUALS 14 POUNDS) two years ago, underwent a gastric bypass after he was told he otherwise faced certain death. But he has been left with rolls of unsightly excess skin after the extreme weight loss and now needs an operation to remove the flaps hanging from his stomach, arms and legs. NHS bosses have refused to perform cosmetic surgery, insisting that he needs to maintain a stable weight before it can be considered. ..But Mr Mason, who can now leave the house in a motorised wheelchair, said: 'I ..…need this operation to be able to get my life back, to be able to get back into society.' The former postman...used to consume 20,000 calories a day, 10 times the normal for the average man. He said his binge eating was spurred by heartbreak in his twenties at the time...of his father's death and a deterioration in his mother's health....(He)sometimes went naked to avoid having to get dressed... Mr Mason will have to pay around £1,500 to £6,000 ($1.60 TO A POUND)if he wants to have the surgery privately…His care bill costs taxpayers an estimated £100,000 a year and it is believed to have topped £1million over the past 15 years On one occasion firefighters had to be called out to demolish the front wall of his former home so they could drive a fork lift truck inside to lift him out and put him into an ambulance when he needed a hernia operation in 2002. MAKES ONE WONDER WHY BRITISH MONEY IS CALLED "POUNDS."

3-"COMTEL PLANE PASSENGERS PONY UP FOR FUEL AS AIRLINE GOES BROKE" (msnbc.com, 11/​17/​11). "Passengers on a Comtel Air charter flight from Amritsar, India to Birmingham, England had to pony up roughly $31,500 for fuel during a stopover in Vienna…after the Austrian airline went broke as the plane made the first leg of its flight….The Birmingham Mail reports that as many as 600 people may have been stranded by the company suddenly going bust…The 180 furious passengers stuck in Vienna sat on the runway for six hours before agreeing with the crew's pleas to disembark. Once on the ground, they were escorted to ATMs, where they withdrew enough money to get the flight back in the air. Some of the 180 passengers told the Mail they had been 'held to ransom,' even though they had paid almost $800 on average for tickets. " I BET THAT COMTEL CHARGED FOR COFFEE.

4-MAN BUSTED SHIPPING "PENIS ENLARGERS" TO HELP BLADDER CONTROL (November 17, WLSAM.com & Associated Press). "Providence, R.I.: An Illinois man accused of shipping unwanted penis enlargers to diabetes patients as part of a Medicare fraud scheme has pleaded not guilty in an arraignment in federal court in Providence...The deal calls for...49-year-old Gary Winner to admit he bought $26 penis enlargers from an adult website, repackaged them and shipped them to patients with information claiming the "erectile pumps" helped 'bladder control, urinary flow and prostate comfort.' Prosecutors say Winner billed Medicare an average of $284 for each item, claimi9ng they were used to treat erectile dysfunction. Winner could face up to 33 years in prison. (a) WINNER? PERFECT NAME FOR A LOSER.(b)UNWANTED PENIS ENLARGER? WHAT GUY DOESN'T WANT ONE?

5-EXPRESSIONS THAT PUZZLE ME:(1) "Watch your back."(HOW CAN YOU WATCH YOUR BACK UNLESS (HERE'S ANOTHER) YOU "HAVE EYES IN BACK OF YOUR HEAD"? (2) "He breaks his silence." IS THAT A CUTE DEFINITION FOR "FART"?

6-"MAN ENTERING HOMES AROUND UVA AND GROPING MEN" (Daily Progress Staff Reports, November 18, 2011)."Multiple male victims have reported being sexually assaulted by a male suspect in a series of nighttime incidents at residences near the University of Virginia….Larceny is not a motive, and in each case victims reported awakening to find themselves being groped....UVa spokeswoman Carol Wood reminded students to be alert of their surroundings and to remember to lock windows and doors. WHY ALL THE FUSS? THE GROPER WAS ONLY TRYING TO FIND OUT WHETHER HE WAS ELIGIBLE FOR THE PRIESTHOOD OR A JOB AS AN ATHLETIC COACH.

7-DID THEY PUT CASTING COUCHES INTO BABY CRIBS? "RECENT CHARGES OF SEXUAL ABUSE OF CHILDREN IN HOLLYWOOD JUST TIP OF ICEBERG, EXPERTS SAY"(FoxNews.com, December 5, 2011). Allison Arngrim (who starred on Little House on the Prairie,) said stories about Corey Feldman and Corey Haim being abused as child stars were common in the 1980s and 90s...The past two weeks have brought three separate reports of alleged child sexual abuse in the entertainment industry. Martin Weiss, a 47-year-old Hollywood manager who represented child actors, was charged in Los Angeles...with sexually abusing a former client. His accuser, who was under 12 years old during the time of the alleged abuse, reported to authorities that Weiss told him 'what they were doing was common practice in the entertainment industry.'...On Nov. 21, Fernando Rivas, 59, an award-winning composer for Sesame Street, was arraigned on charges of coercing a child 'to engage in sexually explicit conduct' in South Carolina....Registered sex offender Jason James Murphy, 35, worked as a casting agent in Hollywood for years before his past kidnapping and sexual abuse of a boy was revealed by the Los Angeles Times on Nov. 17. Murphy's credits include placing young actors in kid-friendly fare like Bad News Bears, The School of Rock, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and the forthcoming Three Stooges. Revelations of this sort come as no surprise to former child star Corey Feldman. Feldman, 40, himself a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, unflinchingly warned of the world of pedophiles who are drawn to the entertainment industry...: 'I can tell you that the No. 1 problem in Hollywood was and is and always will be pedophilia,' Feldman told ABC's Nightline. 'That's the biggest problem for children in this industry'...'This has been going on for a very long time,' concurs former Little House on the Prairie star Alison Arngrim. 'It was the gossip back in the '80s. People said, 'Oh yeah, the Coreys, everyone's had them.' People talked about it like it was not a big deal.' Arngrim, 49, was referring to Feldman and his co-star in The Lost Boys, Corey Haim, who died in March 2010 after years of drug abuse. 'I literally heard that they were passed around...It was awful--these were kids, they weren't 18 yet...Feldman, who claims he was 'surrounded' by pedophiles when he was 14, says the sexual abuse by an unnamed 'Hollywood mogul' led to the death of his friend Haim at the age of 38. 'That person needs to be exposed, but, unfortunately, I can't be the one to do it.'...Says Arngrim: 'I'm sure that it was not just one person who sexually abused Corey Haim, and I'm sure it wasn't only him and Corey Feldman that knew about it. I'm sure that dozens of people were aware of the situation and chose to not report it.' Arngrim, a board member and the national spokeswoman for protect.org, an organization that works to protect children from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, says greed in Hollywood allows sexual predators to flourish. 'Nobody wants to stop the gravy train,' says Arngrim. 'If a child actor is being sexually abused by someone on the show, is the family, agents or managers--the people who are getting money out of this--going to say, "OK, let's press charges'?" No, because it's going to bring the whole show to a grinding halt, and stop all the checks...From my perspective, what Corey did was pretty brave. It would be really wonderful if his allegations reached through all of the protective layers and identified the real people who are a part of a worldwide child pornography ring, because it's huge and it respects no borders.' ACCORDING TO REPS FOR PRIESTS, ATHLETIC COACHES AND MORE THAN A FEW POLITICIANS, "DON'T BLAME OUR GUYS FOR EVERYTHING!"

8-"POLICE: 2 GEORGIA CAREGIVERS WATERBOARD 89-YEAR-OLD WOMAN" (CBS Atlanta, November 18, 2011). "JONESBORO, Ga.: Police charge two caregivers at a Jonesboro facility with waterboarding an 89-year-old woman: Jermeller Steed and Cicely Reed ...allegedly held down Anna Foley in a locked shower room, flooding her face with the hand-hold shower nozzle in 2008…after an argument that started over ice cream...Foley was undergoing treatment at the facility for dementia...The technique slowly drowns subjects by blocking the air passages with flowing water while the subject is immobilized. The Obama administration banned waterboarding suspected terrorists in January 2009, classifying it as torture. Neither Steed nor Reed currently work at the elderly care facility. ARE THEY NOW MEMBERS OF CONGRESS?

9-"JOSE PIMENTEL SMOKED MARIJUANA WITH NYPD INFORMANT, TRIED TO CIRCUMCISE HIMSELF."(Huffpost, November 22, 2011)."Jose Pimentel, the 'lone wolf' terrorist arrested for plotting to blow up police stations and postal offices with homemade bombs, smoked marijuana with the NYPD's cooperating informant in the case, and was likely high when making some of the incriminating statements recorded by police... Pimentel, who's facing up to 25 years in prison for criminal possession of a weapon in the first degree as a crime of terrorism, also tried to circumcise himself. Pimentel converted to Islam two years ago and Muslims are typically encouraged to be circumcised. …Investigators were concerned that the case raised some entrapment questions…Some wondered whether Mr. Pimentel had the even small amount of money or technical know-how necessary to produce a pipe bomb on his own, had he not received help from the informer. Pimentel's attorney Joseph Zablocki told CBS, "I don't think this case is nearly as strong as the people believe, He has this very public online profile...This is not the way you go about committing a terrorist attack.' " HAD HE ACTUALLY CIRCUMCIZED HIMSELF, HIS SCREAMING MIGHT HAVE BEEN LOUDER THAN A TERRORIST ATTACK.

10-"IN HONOR OF WORLD TOILET DAY, 'LET'S TALK SH*T'" (Huffpost, November 19, 2011):"(For) one of the greatest challenges of our time, the crisis of global sanitation, we do have a solution. It's quite simple and rather familiar--toilets. November 19 is World Toilet Day. On this day, Water.org and our partners are challenging the global community to focus on one of the world's biggest killers, which has clear and known solutions...Today, more people have access to a cell phone than a toilet. Proper toilets and safe water are inextricably linked. Inadequate sanitation and the lack of safe water are the principal causes of diarrheal disease, which is the second leading cause of death among children under five. Globally, diarrheal disease kills more people than AIDS, malaria, and measles combined. To date, no innovation has done more to improve health than the toilet. Yet, while the global sanitation crisis is a massive killer, it is rarely discussed in the context of the world's greatest challenges...Teams like those at the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation are reinventing the very standard of the toilet as we know it in many parts of the world....WTD's popularity is gaining momentum, and in 2010 there were 51 events spanning 19 countries. Our "Big Squat" campaign generated 24 "Big Squats" globally and in Singapore over 600 squatters joined the cause in six locations island-wide." MAKE YOUR OWN COMMENT. I'M FLUSH WITH EMBARASSMENT.

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EISENBERG'S GRAPEVINE-ISSUE 101-NOVEMBER 17, 2011.

1-SING ALONG WITH ME:
........JERRY SANDUSKY
........GROPED A YOUNG MATE--
........HIS HANDS WERE SO HUSKY--
........THEY SCREWED UP PENN STATE.

1a-AND, IN CASE YOU MISSED THESE RELIGIOUS SANDUSKYS: "Sex Abuse Claims: Vatican Investigates Ealing Abbey In London" (HUFFPOST, AP, October 25, 2011). “LONDON--The Vatican has ordered an inquiry into decades of sexual abuse by clerics at a Benedictine abbey in London, whose former head monk has disappeared while facing allegations of sexual assault. Ealing Abbey runs St. Benedict's School, a private Catholic institution whose former pupils have made allegations of abuse dating back to the 1960s. A former headmaster, Father David Pearce, was jailed in 2009 for abusing boys at the school over a 35-year period. He was dubbed the ‘devil in a dog collar’ by one of his victims….Father Laurence Soper, who was abbot of Ealing between 1991 and 2000, was arrested last year on suspicion of sexual assault. He is the subject of an international manhunt after jumping bail in March. The Vatican confirmed Tuesday it had launched an investigation, known as an apostolic visitation….Ealing's current abbot, Martin Shipperlee, said earlier this month that …The wide-ranging clergy abuse scandal has shaken the Catholic church, from the Vatican to parishes around the world. Thousands of victims have spoken out about priests who molested children, bishops who covered up for them and Vatican officials who turned a blind eye to the problem for decades..
.......................................A FEW PSALMS FOR THOSE WHITE COLLAR SCUMBAGS
....................................THE BIBLE SAYS IT'S REALLY MEALY
.....................................WHEN PRIESTS ARE PLAYING TOUCHY/​FEELY.
................................................OR.....
.......................................NEVER MIND YOUR HOLY CHANTS
.......................................TRY TO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.
................................................OR.....
.......................................JESUS SAID TO LIVE WITH HOPE
.......................................THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE A GROPE.

2-PAUL MORAN, NORTHERN IRELAND MAN, TRIES TO TURN FECES INTO GOLD, ENDS UP IN JAIL (HUFFPOST, October 21, 2011). "The plan was to s!@​# bricks -- gold bricks. Paul Moran hatched a scheme to get rich quick by turning his own feces into gold...But like King Midas himself, Moran might have flushed his life down the drain in pursuit of his golden dreams. Moran's attempts at alchemy crossed the line into arson when he set his apartment on fire after placing his feces on an electric heater, according to The Belfast Telegraph. The 30-year-old resident of the town of Enniskillen reportedly caused nearly $4,800 in damages to his home. Moran was charged with arson and endangering the lives of others. He was sentenced to three months in jail followed by one year on supervised release…. Moran's lawyer reportedly stated that his client is a smart man who has suffered from a drug problem.TO REPHRASE AN OLD SAYING: "GO SHIT A (GOLD) BRICK!"

3-TOUPE OR NOT TOUPE—THAT IS THE QUESTION. "Gaddafi Wig: Libyan Dictator Was Wearing Hairpiece When He Died" (The Huffington Post. October 20, 2011) “Well, that's embarrassing. Turns out, Muammar Gaddafi--deceased Libyan dictator and celebrated style icon--wore a toupee! The Washington Post reports that the former Libyan leader was wearing a wig when he was killed. According to the Post, the hairpiece was discovered by hospital officials when they tried to analyze a hair sample to confirm the body's identity. Gaddafi's wig makes perfect sense given the slain leader's penchant for elaborate jewelry and rumors that he'd gone under the knife. Earlier this year, a Brazilian surgeon claimed that Gaddafi requested plastic surgery because 'he did not want the young people of his nation to see him as an old man.'" POOR MUAMMAR--HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW.

4-WOMAN ALLEGEDLY BEATEN WITH FROZEN ARMADILLO (chron.com, October 22, 2011). "Only in Texas: Dallas police are on the lookout for a man who could face assault charges for throwing a frozen armadillo at a 57-year-old woman near Dallas. The woman… met the man in a parking lot to purchase the armadillo carcass, which she planned to eat. During a fight over its price, he hit her with the animal in the leg and the chest, leaving bruises on her body. According to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, Texas law prohibits the sale of live armadillos, but a few Texans still go after their meat. Eating armadillos is not widespread in Texas today, although it has been popular among south-of-the-border residents for more than a hundred years. Many Texans, especially during the depression years of the 1930s, dined on the 'Hoover Hog,' referring to the armadillo as 'poor man's pork.'" A RICH MAN WOULD HAVE BEATEN HER WITH A STEAK.

5-"MANDATORY SEX ED DETAILS MAY BE TOO RACY FOR PARENTS"(NBC New York, October 24, 2011). "Details about the new sex education curriculum in New York City public schools are out -- and some are concerned the lessons are too racy. The New York Post obtained workbooks that will be used for the new recommended curriculum, which begins in middle schools and high schools around the city next spring. Parents, they say, may be shocked by details of the work. Middle school students will be assigned "risk cards" that rate the safety of different activities, the paper says, from French kissing to oral sex. The workbooks for older students direct them to a website run by Columbia University, which explores topics such as sexual positions, porn stars, and bestiality. The lessons explain risky sexual behavior and suggest students go to stores to jot condom brands and prices. The Department of Education says the curriculum "stresses that abstinence is the best way to avoid pregnancy and STD/​HIV" and reminded the Post that parents have the option to exclude their kids from lessons on "methods of prevention." UPDATED PROVERB: “ABSTINENCE DOES NOT MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER.

6-"FRIENDS LEAVE MAN STUCK SWINGING AT VALLEJO PARK" (Times-Herald, Solano & Napa Counties, October 23, 2011). "A Vallejo man was found in a child's swing Saturday morning after reportedly being stuck for about nine hours, police said. At about 6 a.m., a groundskeeper of Blue Rock Springs Park heard a man screaming when he arrived at work. He then called the police to investigate. Upon arrival, police found a 21-year-old man stuck in a child's swing, which has two leg holes. The man told police that he had been stuck in the swing since 9 p.m. Friday after he allegedly made a $100 bet with his friends. He proceeded to lube himself with laundry detergent to get into the swing, police said. The friends then reportedly left him swinging through the night. Vallejo firefighters then were called to rescue him by cutting the swing chains off. He was then transported to Kaiser Permanente Vallejo Medical Center, here firefighters used a cast cutter to cut the swing off his body, firefighters said. HOW ABOUT THAT POOR SWING?

7-LIMBAUGH TAKES ON DELAURO DIAPER BILL (NBC Connecticut, October 24, 2011). "Conservative political commentator Rush Limbaugh ripped into a local Congresswoman's proposed diaper legislation...Earlier this month, DeLauro (D-3rd District) proposed an economic recovery bill that proposes that the federal government distribute free diapers through daycare centers. It's called the Diaper Investment and Aid to Promote Economic Recovery Act--or DIAPER Act. She cited the cost of diapers, $100 per month, as too much for some families. “No family should have to choose between buying diapers for their child or buying groceries—but that is exactly what is happening today," wrote in a recent news release. Limbaugh brought the bill up on his show last week, and said, 'I'm not pooping you,' and 'Here's the story. I kid you not. (My generation did not go to daycare, and we wore cloth diapers that were washed and reused. But I mean this is taking indoctrination to steps I never dreamed of. Indoctrinate babies early and often in daycare, and you get 'em in daycare by promising free diapers.'" LIMBAUGH NEEDS FULL BODY DIAPERS, WITH EXTRA-STRONG ONES IN HIS MOUTH.

8-WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? "PASTA" MEANS "PAST" IN SPANISH AND "PASTA DENTAL" MEANS "TOOTHPASTE." WONDERING WHAT PASTA FAZOOL MEANS IN SPANISH,I CONSULTED THE URBAN ONLINE DICTIONARY,WHICH REPORTS THAT "FAZOOL":
"(Is) actually spelled ‘fagioli': 1. Italian for bean, 2. Term used for money or a bill (eg)'I dropped 100 fazools at the craps table!'--OR:'Fucking tool; idiot; moron...'You sir, are a complete fazool for thinking pigs can fly.'"SO IF SOMEBODY TELLS YOU TO 'GO FAZOOL YOURSELF,' CONSIDER IT AN INSULT.

9-"SPANISH SMUGGLERS MOLDED COCAINE INTO MANOLO BLAHNIK REPLICAS" (N.Y. POST, NOVEMBER 5,2011). "It was the ultimate in 'high' end footwear. A ring of drug smugglers figured out a way to mold cocaine into replicas of pricey Manolo Blahnik shoes during a two-year international trafficking caper that ended this week. Spanish cops busted the gang…with $630,000 worth of cocaine that had been carefully sculpted to look like the high-heeled, luxury women's footwear made famous on 'Sex and the City.' Each pair of shoes is estimated to have been worth around $70,000.Six members of the drug trafficking gang-- five Colombians and a Spaniard--were tossed in the clink after police at the Barcelona airport found the dope, which weighed around 9 pounds....In the past, Spanish police have discovered cocaine shipments disguised as replica sculptures, a 'plaster cast' protecting a man's broken leg, and even an entire 42-piece tea set."
RUMOR: FERRAGAMOS HAVE A STRONGER, LONGER LASTING EFFECT.

10-"FIVE STABBED AT JAIL-RELEASE WELCOME HOME PARTY" (NBC Philadelphia, October 19, 2011). "An inmate-release party turns into something resembling a jailhouse brawl. A welcome home party for a teen released from juvenile detention resulted in gunshots and stab wounds for five people at the party. The congratulations-for-getting-out-of-juvenile-detention party occurred...in Bethlehem...Reports of gunshots in that area brought police to find two people with stab wounds from a huge brawl that erupted on the street during the party. Police brought the two wounded to St. Luke's Hospital and later discovered that three more people were stabbed and had gone to the hospital on their own...Five people were detained, including a woman suspected of firing a gun, but all were released, police say. There have been no charges filed in the case but the investigation is ongoing.
NOW THAT THEY'VE BEEN RELEASED THEY CAN PLAN THEIR NEXT PARTY--AT A CEMETERY.



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GRAPEVINE----ISSUE 100—OCTOBER 15, 2011

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-"SPERM DONOR SYSTEM UNDER SCRUTINY AFTER DONOR FATHERS 150 CHILDREN." (The Huffington Post, September 6, 2011). "Concerns are being raised about the lack of regulation of sperm donors in the United States, after one anonymous man was found to have fathered 150 children under the current system. The New York Times reports on the case of Cynthia Daily, who used a sperm donor to conceive a child seven years ago. Ms. Daily searched a Web-based registry for other children fathered by the same donor and helped to create an online group to track them. Over the years, she watched the number of children in her son's group grow... Today there are 150 children. …Children who were born from the same sperm donor could unknowingly become involved in an incestous relationship with someone that they did not know was a half-sibling. CBS News' Health Pop reports that the risk of incest is not the only problem: The revelations also raise fears that children from the same donor could share disease-causing genes that can spread through the population. While many European countries have rules in place that limits the number of children a single donor can father, no such rules exist in the United States. Business Insider quotes Debora L. Spar, president of Barnard College: 'We have more rules that go into place when you buy a used car than when you buy sperm'...The International Business Times sums it up :'The issue seems to be one of perceived quality, not quantity. In sperm, as in life, some specimens are simply more attractive than others.' NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

2-REST IN PIECES?"'Rest in Peace' In a Suitcase in the Bronx."(New York Times, September 7, 2011). "Monique Exum loaded the suitcase on a dolly and wheeled it around the corner, she told the authorities. She put it behind an abandoned building in the Bronx where she used to live. She placed a small handwritten sign on the suitcase: 'Rest in Peace.' Then, she says, she walked away...Three months later, someone opened up the suitcase, which sat behind 1309 Needham Avenue in Williamsbridge. It held the remains of Johnny Davis, a 73-year-old man who lived in Ms. Exum’s apartment...and whom she had been caring for, the authorities said. Ms. Exum, 36, has been charged with improper burial, a misdemeanor. She told a detective that she disposed of Mr. Davis's body herself after he died on May 31 rather than call the authorities because she was afraid she would get in trouble....The cause of Mr. Davis's death remains under investigation, prosecutors said." WELL, AT LEAST THEY DIDN’T FOLD HIM UP INTO A CARRYON.

3-REST IN PIZZA: "FAMILY MEMBERS LEFT ELDERLY RELATIVE TO DIE, THEN HID HER BODY, PROSECUTORS SAY" (madison.com,September 7, 2011)."MADISON, WISCONSIN: When Mary Coleman died in May 2009, two days after she fell to the floor at her sister's house, her sister and nephew decided there was nothing they could do about it and went out for pizza. Then, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday, Veronica King and her son, Steven King, kept Coleman's death a secret, hiding her body in the basement and then the garage of the house on Whenona Drive until Madison police found her mummified remains more than three months later. Steven and Veronica King told police that Coleman, 70, had fallen down in a bedroom on May 7, 2009, then lay there, talking now and then, until her death. "I told her quite frankly to shut up because that old woman in the backyard" would call the police, Steven King told police, according to the complaint. After Coleman died, Veronica King told police, they didn't call to have her body removed "because we had other things to do that day," the complaint states. Veronica King, 71, of Madison, and Steven King, 45, of Evansville, were charged with first-degree reckless homicide, bank fraud, hiding a corpse and recklessly subjecting an individual at risk to abuse...The complaint states that for months after Coleman's death, Veronica King withdrew cash and wrote checks from Coleman's bank account, where Coleman's pension and Social Security payments were automatically deposited."
I WONDER WHAT OTHER THINGS THEY HAD TO DO.

4-"LAWMAKER FILES BILL TO REPEAL STATE BAN ON DWARF TOSSING IN BARS" (NBC MIAMI, October 6, 2011). "State Rep. Ritch Workman says ban on tossing in bars limits employment opportunities for little people....A Florida lawmaker has filed a bill that would repeal a state law prohibiting dwarf tossing in bars. Rep. Ritch Workman of Melbourne filed House Bill 4063 on Monday. 'To me it's an archaic kind of Big Brother law that says, 'We don't like that activity,'" Workman told the Florida Current. "Well, there is nothing immoral or illegal about that activity. All we really did by passing that law was take away some employment from some little people.' The cringe-inducing activity was outlawed in 1989, when national controversy over dwarf tossing prompted the Legislature to ban it in bars for safety reasons...House Bill 4063 would repeal Florida Statute 561.665, which bans establishments who sell alcohol from activities 'involving exploitation endangering the health, safety, and welfare of any person with dwarfism...While at least one previous lawsuit filed by a little person sought to repeal the law for employment reasons, others including the president of Little People of America are opposed to the new bill. 'In general, if HB 4063 does threaten to undo the protection afforded people of short stature against dwarf tossing, we are concerned, and we would be against legislation," said Gary Arnold. 'The ban on dwarf tossing protects the entire dwarf community.' Under the current statute, the state can fine or suspend the liquor license of bars that host dwarf tossing."
BASHFUL, GRUMPY AND THE REST OF THE GANG CAN'T STOP CHEERING.

5-"ONLY ONE JEWISH RESIDENT LEFT IN AFGHANISTAN, SAYS STATE DEPARTMENT" (CNS NEWS.com, October 11, 2011). "There is only 'one known Jewish resident' still living in Afghanistan, according to the U.S. State Department. That is despite the fact that Jews have lived in Afghanistan for nearly three millenia, and had a local population that was 40,000 strong as of the mid-1800s, according to the Jewish Virtual Library... By 1996, when the Islamist Taliban regime came to power, there were only 10 Jews still living in Afghanistan. By 2005, four years after the U.S. invaded the country and overthrew the Taliban, there were only two Jews still living in Afghanistan, according to the Jewish Virtual Library. Now, the latest State Department Report on International Religious Freedom says: 'There is one known Jewish Afghan' left in the country, 'only one known Jewish resident.' Afghanistan is 402,356 square miles in size and estmates of its population range from 24 to 33 million. 'Reliable data on religious demography is not available because an official nationwide census has not been conducted in decades,' says the State Department report. 'Observers estimated that 80 percent of the population is Sunni Muslim, 19 percent Shi'a Muslim, and other religious groups comprise less than 1 percent of the population.'
THE LONELY JEW KEEPS MUTTERING, "OY VEY!" AND NONE OF THOSE MILLIONS OF GOYEM KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE'S SAYING.

6-WOMAN DIES AFTER INJECTING HOT BEEF FAT INTO FACE (WLS Radio & Sun-Times Media Wire, September 9, 2011). "HOMEWOOD-Janet Hardt died Thursday after apparently injecting heated beef fat into her face at her south suburban home...which she had done before on several occasions. Hardt went to the hospital after complaining that her face became singed and felt like it was burning, according to the source. She has previously undergone multiple facial surgeries, the source said...police were waiting for the results of the autopsy before releasing any information. THEY'LL PROBABLY CONCLUDE THAT SHE FORGOT TO TURN THE OVEN DOWN.

7-"WOMAN BIT BY RAT...WHILE WAITING FOR TRAIN AT MTA STATION" (New York Daily News, September 9, 2011). "A woman waiting for the J train to arrive was attacked by a rat, onlookers said. A hungry rat chomped on a straphanger's foot as she waited for a train in a downtown subway station...The woman was sitting on a bench on a J train platform inside the Brooklyn Bridge-City Hall station about 9:30 a.m.,when the rodent skittered up to her and bit down on her flesh...Bleeding from the wound, the woman ran to a nearby service booth and asked for help--completely freaking out...The woman, who is in her 20s, was taken to New York Downtown Hospital, where she was treated and released...The subway rat attack was unusual, the sources said, particularly because the J train platform at the station has a low rodent population. The platforms in the station for the 4, 5, 6 trains, however, are a complete "Rat fest," one source said...MTA officials had no comment." WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO HAVE HEARD THEIR PRIVATE COMMENTS?

8-FEMALE "VAMPIRE" BUSTED IN BLOODY BITING ATTACK (THE SMOKING GUN, SEPTEMBER 8, 2011)."...A Florida woman who claimed to be a 'vampire'...attacked an elderly man, biting him on the face and arm and tearing away chunks of his skin, according to police. Josephine Smith, 22, was arrested...and charged with felony aggravated battery on an elderly person...'I’m a vampire, I am going to eat you,' Smith announced before allegedly attacking Milton Ellis (who) received stitches to close up wounds suffered during the assault...Ellis, who uses a motorized wheelchair, was asleep when Smith pounced on him...(but he) escaped his attacker's clutches and called 911 from a nearby gas station. When cops arrived, they located Smith--covered in blood and half naked...According to her Facebook profile, Smith has recently studied 'dental assisting' at the Fortis Institute in Pensacola, where she resides.. OH, THE PUNCHLINES THAT COME TO MIND!.Ellis...has been arrested at least 12 times over the past four years for crimes like trespassing, panhandling, battery, and disorderly intoxication.
ACTUALLY, WHEN THEY MET, JOSEPHINE ASKED MILTON, "CAN YOU SPARE A FEW BUCKS?" HIS RESPONSE: "BITE ME!"

9-HEY, FAT PEOPLE HAVE CIVIL RIGHTS, TOO. (MyFoxNY.com,, September 2011). "Nanuet, N.Y.-A 290-pound New York man is steaming mad at the White Castle fast-food chain, which he claims repeatedly broke promises to make the booths in his local eatery bigger. Martin Kessman, 64, filed a lawsuit against the fast-food giant...claiming that the uncomfortable booths violate the civil rights of fat people. Kessman's lawsuit came more than two years after he complained to White Castle about the size of the booths at the Nanuet, N.Y., eatery and reportedly received a pledge that renovations would be carried out to cater for larger customers. 'They sent me specs and everything, about how the booths were going to be enlarged and made comfortable for people with a little more weight. So two and a half years went by, and nothing was done...I just want to sit down like a normal person.'" JUST DON'T SIT DOWN ON ANYBODY'S HAND.

10-THIEF WHO SWALLOWED DIAMOND IS CAUGHT ON X-RAY (AFP, September 14, 2011). "A thief in Spain who stole a diamond from a British woman--and then swallowed it--was caught when police stopped him at a checkpoint and forced him to undergo an X-ray. The theft occurred when two British women entered a restaurant in Marbella and one of them left her handbag on the floor by her chair...police said. 'Two well-dressed men came in, one sitting at the bar and the other next to the woman.'When the men left, the woman discovered that her handbag, containing 2,000 euros and 400 pounds sterling, a mobile phone, a pendant with a diamond worth 12,000 euros ($16,500) and other valuables, had disappeared. Hours later, police stopped a car at a routine checkpoint and found the four occupants had criminal records. Inside the vehicle they also discovered a handbag as well as valuables and cash, which they later identified as belonging to the British woman. All that was missing was the diamond. 'During the operation, officers noticed one of the men putting his hand to his mouth,' police said. 'This gesture...made the police think he may have swallowed it. 'To find the stone, those arrested were taken to a medical center where they underwent X-rays, and the diamond was located inside the stomach of one of them, who admitted swallowing it.'" WHEN THEY REMOVE THE DIAMOND FROM THE TOILET IT WILL BE IN A COMPLETELY NEW SETTING.


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GRAPEVINE----ISSUE 99-- SEPTEMBER 4, 2011

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-DOMINIQUE STRAUSS-KAHN HAS FINALLY GOTTEN THE HELL OUT OF THE U.S. AND RETURNED TO PARIS.
(SING ALONG WITH ME: "Now that you're back home in France/​Try to keep it in your pants...)
FANTASY: WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF HE HAD BEEN ACCOMPANIED BY ALL THE KARDASHIANS, SARAH PALIN, DICK CHENEY, AL SHARPTON, MICHELLE BACHMAN, DONALD TRUMP, RICK PERRY & LINDSAY LOHAN? OKAY, WHEN THE WORLDWIDE MEDIA COVERAGE TAPERED OFF,AFTER A WEEK OR SO,WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO LIVE THROUGH A DAY WITHOUT READING ABOUT THAT GANG..I ALMOST MISS PARIS HILTON
SOME RECENT HOT NEWS:"THE SMOKING GUN, August 22, 2011. Turns Out That DSK's Swanky Hotel Suite Was Stained With The Semen Of Four Other Guys…Manhattan prosecutors…reported that an analysis of carpet stains in the Frenchman's $3000-per-night Sofitel hotel room 'contained the semen and DNA” of three unknown men, while a stain on the room's wallpaper contained the semen and DNA of a fourth unknown man...As for the source of that stray semen, investigators noted that,'the circumstances under which the unidentified DNA was deposited are unrelated' to the encounter between the 62-year-old Strauss-Kahn and hotel maid Nafissatou Diallo."
A STAIN ON THE ROOM'S WALLPAPER? WERE THEY HAVING PING-PONG SEX?

2-ISRAELI FOOD I'D LIKE TO INVENT:MESHUGA CAVIAR (MUCH LESS EXPENSIVE AND ALMOST AS DELICIOUS AS BELUGA)—Designed for neurotics. (NOTE TO GOYS: "MESHUGA" means "crazy").

3-"VATICAN REJECTS IRISH CRITICISM OVER SEX ABUSE." (AP, September 3,2011)."VATICAN CITY—The Vatican...vigorously rejected claims it sabotaged efforts by Irish bishops to report priests who sexually abused children to police and accused the Irish prime minister of making an 'unfounded' attack against the Holy See. Irish officials defended their claims that the Vatican exacerbated the abuse crisis and criticized the Holy See for offering an overly 'legalistic' response to the scandal of priests who rape and molest children. The Vatican issued a 24-page response to the Irish government following Prime Minister Enda Kenny's unprecedented July 20 denunciation of the Vatican's handling of abuse--a speech that cheered abuse-weary Irish Catholics but stunned the Vatican and prompted it to recall its ambassador. Kenny's speech was inspired by the publication of a government-mandated independent report into the County Cork diocese of Cloyne, which found that the Vatican had undermined attempts by Irish bishops to protect children by warning them that their policy requiring abuse to be reported to police might violate church law. The Cloyne document was the fourth such report to come out in recent years on the colossal scale of priestly sex abuse and cover-up in Ireland....One prominent Irish victim, Marie Collins, said the Vatican's defense highlighted the need for Ireland to pass a law making the non-reporting of suspected child abuse a specific crime.
A PRIEST ABUSED A GIRL?

4."DANCING WITH THE STARS ATTRACTS CONTROVERSY FOR CASTING CHAZ BONO" (AP, August 31, 2011)."'Dancing With the Stars' is used to courting controversy with its casting choices, and Season 13 is already proving no exception. Right now, much of the focus is on the inclusion of reality TV veteran--and child of Sonny and Cher--Chaz Bono. Yesterday, we reported that the The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) had welcomed the addition of Bono--the show's first transgender contestant--as a positive step for the LGBT community. Now, however, The Wrap reports that ABC has been attacked by some 'DWTS' fans who are not so thrilled with the casting choices, and that the 'DWTS' online message boards have been lit up with ugly, bigoted comments. Many of the anti-Bono comments posted on the 'DWTS' message boards have targeted Bono for being transgender, but others complain that he's overweight and only on the show because of his famous parents...So, how far can Bono go in 'Dancing With the Stars?' Will he stay the course, or will he be voted off early? He's certainly used to performing in front of an audience, having once pursued a music career, and as a child (then called Chastity) he was a regular performer on his parents' TV variety shows. ABC had no comment on the comments posted on the 'DWTS' message boards, and the network said that Bono was unavailable to comment due to his rehearsal schedule."
TO GUARANTEE HIS PHYSICAL SAFETY, CHAZ HAS PROMISED TO UNCLIP HIS PENIS AND PLACE IT IN A LOCKER BEFORE GOING ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR.

5-"MOSQUITOES 'DISAPPEARING' IN SOME PARTS OF AFRICA"(BBC News, August 26, 2011)."Malaria-carrying mosquitoes are disappearing in some parts of Africa, but scientists are unsure as to why. Figures indicate controls such as anti-mosquito bed nets are having a significant impact on the incidence of malaria in some sub-Saharan countries. But in Malaria Journal, researchers say mosquitoes are also disappearing from areas with few controls. They are uncertain if mosquitoes are being eradicated or whether they will return with renewed vigour. Data from countries such as Tanzania, Eritrea, Rwanda, Kenya and Zambia all indicate that the incidence of malaria is dropping fast. Researchers believe this is due to effective implementation of control programmes, especially the deployment of bed nets treated with insecticide. But a team of Danish and Tanzanian scientists say this is not the whole story. For more than 10 years they have been collecting and counting the number of mosquitoes caught in thousands of traps in Tanzania. In 2004 they caught over 5,000 insects. In 2009 that had dropped to just 14." OH, WELL, MAYBE THE ROACH POPULATION WILL INCREASE TO CHEER THEM UP.

6--"VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL'S PRIVATES BRUISED BY PANTIES" (HuffPost Syle, August 25, 2011). "You would think that wearing Victoria's Secret's jewel-covered fantasy bra and panties would be the most glamorous moment of a model's life. However, for Selita Ebanks, who slipped into underwear covered with $4.5 million worth of diamonds, rubies, emeralds and yellow sapphires, nothing could be further from the truth. 'I wasn't scared [about the value], it hurt. Yeah, diamonds hurt,' Ebanks (said). 'I don't know about wearing diamonds on your crotch. It's like you're walking and scraping. This is not cohesive to get a man. No man wants a scratchy vagina.'"
SING ALONG WITH ME: "NOTHING COULD BE FINER THAN A SCRATCHLESS SMOOTH VAGINA IN THE MOR-OR-OR-NING!"

7-EVEN MORE DIAMONDS:"'DIAMOND PLANET' FOUND NEAR STAR"(HUFFPOST UK, August 26, 2011)."A gem of a world made from diamond has been discovered orbiting a tiny spinning star 4,000 light years away. The "diamond planet" is actually the shrunken core of a once massive star. Despite being only five times the size of the Earth, it has more mass than Jupiter. Its high density shows that it must largely be made of crystalline carbon--in other words, diamond."
TIME FOR SMART JEWELERS TO RENT A SPACE SHIP AND HEAD THERE WITH A LIST OF PRICES PER CARAT.

8-ACCUSED KILLER KASHIF PARVAIZ MADE $2 MILLION ON CONTROVERSIAL REAL ESTATE DEAL ON DAY WIFE WAS KILLED (HUFFPOST, AUGUST 23, 2011)."The man accused of killing his New Jersey wife with the aid of his lover also made a reported $2 million in a controversial real estate deal the day his spouse was shot. Kashif Parvaiz, 26, allegedly charmed his way into an elderly gay man's life and persuaded him to sign over his income from a rental apartment building in Queens, N.Y., according to The New York Post. Martin Ragusa, 74, handed over his stake in the 114-unit building to Parvaiz in 2009, despite opposition from relatives who said Ragusa was "brainwashed" by his young friend. Last Tuesday--the day that Parvaiz's wife Nazish Nooran, 27, was shot--the Queens building was sold, earning $2 million for the husband accused of murder...New Jersey police say that Parvaiz, a Pakistani-American, orchestrated his wife's murder. Last week, while they went for a walk, she was shot and killed while he suffered minor injuries from four bullets. Initially, Parvaiz fingered three men as the shooters, claiming that the suspects--a black man, a white man and a man of indeterminate race--hurled anti-Muslim slurs during the attack. The cops disproved Parvaiz's alibi and instead concluded that his lover Antoinette Stephen pulled the trigger. Both were charged with murder, conspiracy and weapons crimes.
IF PARVAIZ GETS AWAY WITH IT HE'S PERFECT TO RUN FOR CONGRESS.

9-NATION'S FIRST MARIJUANA STREET FAIR COMING TO OAKLAND (NBC BAY AREA, September 3, 2011). "Oakland's reputation as the nation's most cannabis-friendly city is safe. Now, and forever, especially after the once-gritty city hosts what is touted as America's first marijuana street fair. The International Cannabis and Hemp Expo will grace downtown Oakland for two days beginning Saturday at noon, according to reports. Once held at the Cow Palace, organizers decided to move the event to Oakland over a key dispute: officials at the state-owned arena in Daly City balked at the idea of open-air cannabis consumption, something festival-goers will be able to do right in the open in Oakland. Right in front of City Hall...People inside the so-called "215 area"--for 1996's Proposition 215, which legalized medical marijuana in California, the first state in the union to recognize the plant's medicinal value--will be able to smoke, vaporize or otherwise ingest cannabis to their heart's delight...Organizers expect at least 20,000 people, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.
AND THE GIGGLING WILL BE HEARD FOR MILES.

10-"JETSTAR PASSENGER CHOKES ON IN-FLIGHT MEAL, DIES" (AOL News, September 4, 2011). "Robert Rippingale, a 31-year-old New Zealander, died on a Jetstar flight from Singapore to Auckland after choking on his in-flight meal. Roughly 90 minutes into the 11-hour flight, Rippingale started shaking and choking, his girlfriend, Vanessa Preechakul, told the New Zealand Herald. The couple, who met in Singapore, were en route to Auckland to celebrate Rippingale's mom's birthday. 'One minute w