Lawrence Eisenberg

ISSUE 69-NOVEMBER 10, 2008

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-BY CRACKY....NOW THAT SARAH PALIN IS BACK IN ALASKA—busily governing and preparing for the birth of a (maybe) legitimate grandchild, she might find the time to glance at the rest of the world through the various windows in her Wasilla home. Her favorite moment will probably come in February when she can watch Rio de Janeiro’s Carnaval from one of her bathroom windows. She comments: "Why are you so surprised? Rio is right next to Russia."

2-QUERIED AS TO WHAT WARDROBE PLANS SHE HAD FOR HER 2012 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, Governor Palin responded: "Wardrobe-Shmardrobe!.......I learned that from Tina Fey."

2 (B)-DICK CHENEY WAS ABOUT TO INVITE SARAH TO GO HUNTING: But a staffer talked him out of it, fearing that Palin might mistake Cheney for a moose.

3-HERE COMES THE BARBIE: THE Muslim wedding of Mohammad Waseem, a seven-year-old boy and Nishain Karachi, a five-year-old girl--attended by 100 guests in Karachi--was raided by Pakistani police (WFAA-TV, November 2, 2008). TV footage showed both children in traditional wedding clothes in the laps of policemen after the raid – the girl with tears running down her cheeks. The parents (aka shmucks) said the wedding had been arranged to end an eight-year feud between the two families. And they'd agreed to share babysitting duties.

4-PERFECT NAME FOR AN AMBULANCE : Sick Transit (The obvious manufacturer would be Gloria Mundi, Inc.).

5-WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? Hopper Pizza, topped with eight frogs' legs and capers, is being offered by Eco, a London restaurant chain, for only £17.95 ($28,33). Immediately, spokespeople for Animal Aids (London Sun, October 16, 2008), urged citizens to boycott the restaurant because "The animals typically have their limbs hacked off while still alive, having been captured by the bucketload from the wild in countries like Indonesia....I cannot believe people are so desperate to entertain their palates that they want to be part of this vicious and callous trade." Chef Sami Wasif called it "Refined...I've been making pizza for more than 20 years and know that London is a city always looking for something new...I might try one with snails on it next." Hey, give Australia a break. How about Kangaroo Pizza---with an attached little pocket for additional cheese?

6-YOU'LL NEVER FIND HER ON A PIZZA: Carla, a 10-year-old, 10-inch angelfish, who lives in the London Aquarium, had her hernia repaired during a 30-minute surgery (London Sun, October 29, 2008). Water was pumped through her body and over her gills so she could breathe during the £500 procedure. She has now fully recovered and James Oliver, of the London Aquarium, said: “I guess it's a bit extreme to operate on a small tropical fish, but she's almost family." And, like other family members, she shrieks every time she gets a root canal procedure.

7-WHAT MANIACAL ADMAN CAME UP WITH THE IDEA of using irritating Emeril Lagasse, aka Chef De Latrine, in a commercial for Crest toothpaste? Many of his recipes are tasty, and he's almost bearable in a kitchen, but would you want him in the bathroom with you while you're brushing your teeth?

8-NOT ALL SAN FRANCISCANS HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: An Election Day proposal to rename the city's Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant as “The George W. Bush Sewage Plant" was nixed, 69% to 31% (San Francisco Chronicle, November 5, 2008). Well, a third of San Francisco voters have the guts to imply that he's full of shit.

9-A GLITCH OVER TROUBLED WATERS: "Women on Waves," a Netherlands organization—and ship--is offering onboard abortions to women whose home countries don't allow them (Ireland in 2001, Poland in 2003 and Portugal in 2004) sparking protests. (TypicallySpanish.com, October 17, 2008). The latest controversy occurred off the port of Valencia, Spain, when the city's conservative mayor termed the plan a "provocation that has sparked indignation." Valencia's anti-abortion group, Provida, protested aboard smaller vessels when the boat arrived, but they failed to stop it from docking. SUGGESTED MOTTO: If You Can't Row, You'll Have To Wade.

10-ABC-TV's CHARLES GIBSON IN CLOSEUP ON ELECTION NIGHT: He should watch those carbs. In profile he looks as though he swallowed Diane Sawyer.
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ISSUE 68-OCTOBER 13, 2008

By Lawrence Eisenberg


1-HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT DEATH IS GOING TO STOP ME FROM VOTING? Texas Watchdog, a news website that scrutinizes the actions of government agencies, bureaucracies and politicians in Texas, compared Houston's Harris County voter registration roll in the March 2008 Primary with the Social Security death index and found 4,462 registered voters who appear to be deceased (KPRC, October 8, 2008). Note: In 2000, Texas' former governor, George Bush, won the Presidential election with the help of the Supreme Court Let's hope that this year, all voters are alive, that the machines are functioning and the Supreme Court stays the hell out of it.

2-ROVE, THE LEAKY STOVE: In 2000, Karl Rove, George W. Bush's campaign manager, created malicious lies about John McCain, W's opposing candidate for the G.O.P. nomination. Now Rove is McCain's advisor, creating malicious lies about Barack O'Bama. Validating the Idiom: Turds of a feather stick together.

3-DOGGY DO? DOGGY DON'T! Petah Tikva, a Tel Aviv suburb, is using DNA analysis of dog droppings to reward and punish pet owners. (Reuters, September 16). Dog owners have been asked to take their animal to a municipal vet, who then swabs its mouth and collects DNA. The city will use its DNA database to match feces to a registered dog and identify its owner. Owners who scoop up their dogs' droppings and place them in specially marked bins on Petah Tikva's streets will be eligible for rewards of pet food coupons and dog toys. But droppings found underfoot in the street and matched through the DNA database to a registered pet could earn its owner a municipal fine. Hey, how about that liquid they're constantly spritzing on the sidewalks?

4-WELL, AT LEAST ONE ARCHITECT HAD GUTS: New York's
30 Central Park South building has a 13th floor.

5-GONE WITH THE WIND: A Charleston, West Virginia man, arrested for driving under the influence, has also been charged with battery on a police officer (Charleston News, September 24, 2008). As though being drunk wasn't enough, when an officer tried to get the driver's fingerprints, the latter moved up close and passed gas on the cop.

6-JET BLUE BALLS: New Jerseyite Kristine Johnson, on a Jet Blue flight to Newark from Ft. Lauderdale, claimed that a male flight attendant began what she thought was a friendly conversation, then moved on (CBS Broadcasting, October 2, 2008). "He...told me he was going to have nobody sit next to me because I was all his...He kept telling me that he wanted me. At one point he said, 'You know you want me,' and (he was) always grabbing himself..." She added that twice he tossed his cell phone, showing naked pictures of himself, onto her tray table. "I told him, 'You're disgusting. You know I'm married and I don't want any part of you,' but he kept going and going and going." Frantic, she escaped to the bathroom. He followed, making vulgar comments through the door. On her way back to her seat, she said he grabbed her buttocks. "I was really, really scared," she said. "Why I didn't get up and say something to somebody I don't know." Seven months later, the flight attendant was arrested on charges of "obscene and indecent exposure" and for making a "lewd, obscene and indecent sexual proposal." Rumor: Jet Blue has announced that it will not bill the passenger an extra fee for "personal attention."

7-THEY CAN'T STOP CHATTERING: At least once on every episode of TV's "Entertainment Tonight" and "Access Hollywood," a host will introduce a story with "Everybody's talking about....!" I mean, would life have any meaning if the entire world couldn't be endlessly discussing Britney, Paris, Kevin, the Simpsons and the Olsens?

8-GO AHEAD, IMBECIL--WASTE YOUR BULLETS! Miguel Caballero, a Mexico City clothing boutique, features leather jackets, polo shirts, windbreakers, parkas and white ruffled tuxedo shirts—all bullet-proof. (International Herald Tribune, October 6, 2008). The store's owner says that every sales staffer has had to take a turn being shot while wearing one of the products, which range from a few hundred dollars to as much as $7,000, so they can attest to the efficacy of the secret fabric. Jon French, who runs a local security company, said he considered the bulletproof luxury items more about ego than anything else. "Certain members of the well-to-do class here have a tendency to be ostentatious. You see it in their bodyguards and chase cars. Some of this is so while at the country club they can talk about how protected they are. Now they can say, 'Look, I'm wearing body armor!' " Do you want a color-coordinated Uzzi with that?

9-NOW THAT YOU'RE POTTY-TRAINED, HERE'S A GAME WE CAN PLAY: A 33-year-old Sanford, Florida woman, Kelly Lumadue, had sex with a 5-year-old boy and videotaped the acts (Local 6 News, September 19, 2008). As though to certify her idiocy, she then tossed the videos into a trashcan—where they were found by a garbage collector. After she was sentenced to life imprisonment, she told the court that her husband—a professional pornographer--had "made me do it." The victim didn't testify because he said that he doesn't remember what happened. Bet that kid will remember everything when he gets to high school.

10-IS SARAH PALIN AWARE that Russians can see her from their windows?
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ISSUE 67-SEPTEMBER 16, 2008

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-"I TAUGHT HER TO SHOOT A MOOSE AND DRESS IT...SHE STARTED SHOOTING A GUN WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT AND SHOT HER FIRST ANIMAL WHEN SHE WAS TEN. IT WAS SOMETHING SMALL, POSSIBLY A RABBIT." That's Sarah Palin's dad, Chuck Heath (Sun Online, September 15, 2008). One wonders: Since they were just a hop, skip and a jump from Russia, was she able to knock off a few reindeer in the coastal town of Anadyr?

2-WHAT I WOULD GIVE...to see Sarah hunting with Dick Cheney.

3-AND MORE: Since Sarah proclaims how fit she is for the job (any job, actually), there's something Biblical about the partnership: McCain & Able.

4-"CONDOM! CONDOM!--PICK UP!" A cellphone ringtone that chants "Condom, Condom!" has been launched in India to promote safe sex and tackle the growing HIV/AIDS epidemic (AFP, Breitbart, August 19, 2008). The "condom a cappella has been designed to break down Indians' reluctance to discuss condom use and to make wearing a condom more acceptable. Organizers of the campaign, funded by the foundation set up by Microsoft mogul Bill Gates and his wife Melinda, hope the ringtone will become a craze among young Indians." A reality TV show is sure to follow.

5-YOU CAN GET A MAN WITH A GUN: Eighty-five-year-old Leda Smith, after hearing somebody breaking into her home in Marion, Pa. (A.P., August 19, 2008), grabbed the .22-caliber revolver she had been keeping by her bed since a neighbor's home was burglarized a few weeks earlier and faced the intruder. "I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it," Smith said. After the 17-year-old would-be robber called 911, Smith kept holding the gun on him until state police arrived at her home. Inspiration for yet another TV reality show: "DON'T F... AROUND WITH OLD WOMEN!"

6-HERE COMES THE...WHATEVER: On August 21, according to AP, "Hallmark, seeing a new market after California's gay marriage ruling, rolls out gay marriage greeting cards featuring two tuxedos, overlapping hearts or intertwined flowers, with best wishes inside--Two hearts. One promise,one says." Hallmark says the move is a response to consumer demand, not any political pressure. "'It's our goal to be as relevant as possible to as many people as we can,' a Hallmark spokeswoman said." Well, it's only a matter of time before some of the lesser-known (aka sleazier) greeting card companies join the fun, e.g.:
............... My love for you is like a rock
................Now be a pal and ------my ------.

7- BIG BROTHER HAS STOPPED WATCHING YOU: A former heroin-addicted elephant has emerged from rehab clean after a three-year detox program (London Telegraph, September 4. 2008). The four-year-old mammal--referred to as 'Big Brother', or 'Xiguang',in Chinese media reports--was captured in 2005 in southwest China by illegal traders who fed him heroin-laced bananas for several months to control him before they were arrested by police...."A year of methadone injections at five times the human dosage helped wean the elephant off heroin. Then Xiguang was released back into the wild but was soon sent to animal protection centre after his behaviour appeared to suggest he was suffering withdrawal symptoms from heroin. Now clean, Xiguang is expected to move to a wildlife park in Kunming - the capital of the elephant's home province of Yunnan." Where he and his fellow tuskers can smoke an occasional joint.

8-KEEP YOUR HANDS ON YOUR OWN POLE, YOU PERV! Since statistics show that 63 percent of women say they have been sexually harassed on subways, the New York City Transit System has launched an anti-groping campaign (CBS). People who get groped on crowded subway trains will be encouraged to report it to an employee or police officer. New York is taking a hint from Boston, whose subways feature posters reading "Rub against me and I'll expose you." Won't some weirdo misinterpret "expose"?

9-COULDN'T SHE HAVE LIVED ONE MORE WEEK? I WAS GETTING SO CLOSE! Mak Erot, an elderly Indonesian woman (aged anywhere from 101 to 130 ), famed nationwide for supernatural skills in lengthening penises--incorporating traditional herbs and Islamic prayer--died early in July (Agence France Presse). "While her legacy has been closely guarded by male descendents intent on maintaining the purity of the treatment, Mak Erot had become a pop-culture icon in everything from advertisements to teenage romantic comedy films." Let's see, now, who can play her in the U.S. film version? I see it as a comedy and would love for Mak to be played by Betty White, Bea Arthur or Judi Dench But casting her "clients" should be an all-time blast. I mean, how many actors will admit that they need enhancement?

10-OH, SURE, HORDES OF WOMEN ARE GOING TO BRAG THAT THEY'RE UNATTRACTIVE: John Moloney, mayor of Mount Isa, an Australian outback town--population 25,000--became the target of outrage when, in a weird attempt to correct the town's gender imbalance, he told a newspaper his town was a place for "ugly ducklings to flourish into beautiful swans" and called on the "beauty-disadvantaged" to flock there. (AFP, August 18, 2008). In his defense, he added, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty can be a good set of teeth, beauty is nice wavy hair. Beauty can be blue eyes or green eyes. And a not-so-beautiful woman can kick you where it really hurts, Mayor Shmuck.

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ISSUE 66-AUGUST 15, 2008

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-IF CHARLES DICKENS WERE ALIVE TODAY HE MIGHT HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK ABOUT BUSH & CHENEY: "A Tale of Two Shitties."

2-HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T WANT FRIES WITH THAT: A Jacksonville, Florida--(PICK ONE)moron/ maniac/ idiot/ shmuck--named Reginald Peterson telephoned 911 from a Subway restaurant to complain that they had left the sauce off a spicy Italian sandwich (Florida Times-Union). Police said the 42-year-old man dialed 911 twice: the second call was to complain that officers weren't getting there fast enough. When policemen arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested. Peterson did not have a listed phone number. Too bad. I'd like to have given his number out to all the country's telemarketers.

3- WERE FRANCISCO GOYA'S RELATIVES CALLED GOYEM?

4-CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FIRST FASHION SHOW: Australian doctors have raised concerns about clinics offering vaginal cosmetic surgery, warning the trend towards so-called "designer vaginas" may be exploiting vulnerable women (Breitbart.com, August 1, 2008). The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists said procedures being offered included "vaginal rejuvenation, revirgination, designer vaginoplasty and G-spot amplification". I hope the rejuvenation doesn’t clash with the patients' Manolos.

5-IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME before airlines begin charging passengers admission to toilets, plus fees for use of toilet paper. Flushing will be free—but you'll only be allowed to do it once. Each additional flush will cost $3.50.

6-FINALLY, FINALLY, "SCUMBAG" HAS A LEGITIMATE MEANING: Benjamin Sherman, a young New York entrepreneur, is marketing condoms featuring images of Barack Obama and John McCain (A.P.). Sherman says the Obama condom carries the slogan "Use With Good Judgment." The McCain version says "Old But Not Expired." He adds that McCain condoms "are battle tested, strong and durable, for those occasions when you just need to switch your position!" While the company can't guarantee the condoms are 100 percent effective, it says it's certain "that without wearing one, there's likely to be an Obama-Mama in your future." And if Hillary had been the chosen nominee, would they be selling "Nil To Bill" diaphrams?

7-NOT THAT I REALLY WANT THE GARBAGE THEY'RE GIVING OUT: When I'm strolling down any New York street where some young punk is distributing promotional pamphlets, he takes a fast glance at me--a fairly obvious senior--and turns away. I mean, why waste a pamphlet on someone who might not live until he reaches the next block? I'd give him the finger, but raising my hand requires some effort.

8-SO WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT A NAME? According to AOL (July 24, 2008), a New Zealand judge ruled that a 9-year-old girl named "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii" can change hers. Other names blocked by officials there include "Fish and Chips," "Yeah Detroit," "Keenan Got Lucy" and "Sex Fruit." “Number 16 Bus Shelter" and "Violence," however, made it through. And here we thought that Angie and Brad were weird for coming up with: Maddox Chivan, Pax Thien, Zahara Marley, Shiloh Nouvel and the twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.

9-IN 1979 THE WEINSTEIN BROTHERS formed MIRAMAX , a film company named after their parents Miriam & Max. In 1999 a pharmaceutical company introduced a drug to relieve constipation, called MIRALAX. Is that their way of saying that some of the Weinstein movies are full of.....?

10-E.T. IS NOT ALONE: According to the London Daily Telegraph (July 24, 2008), former NASA astronaut, moon-walker and Apollo 14 veteran, Dr Edgar Mitchell, says extra-terrestrials have visited earth on several occasions--but the alien contact has been repeatedly covered up by governments for six decades. That's because so many of them have been elected to political office.

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ISSUE 65-JUNE 5, 2008

By Lawrence Eisenberg


1-AFTER TOM CRUISE EXPLAINED SCIENTOLOGY TO KATIE HOLMES, SHE SANG: "A person could develop a cult."

2-MORE (YAWN) CELEBRITY SEX VIDEOS ARE DISCOVERED: In the past couple of years, sex videos have popped up--featuring Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith. Recently, though allegedly, similar reels have appeared, starring Marilyn Monroe and Jimi Hendrix (Not necessarily together). A mysterious source has informed Grapevine that yet another explosive video exists: a three-way sex romp involving Phyllis Diller, Carol Channing and John McCain. Note to Barack: As Soon As I Get A Copy You Can Start the Bidding.

3-HOT PUBLISHING NEWS: Senator Larry "Twinkletoes" Craig has announced that he's writing a memoir, including his "misunderstood" experience in a public men's room(KTVB.COM-IDAHO NEWS, May 29, 2008). He added that he's mulling over a number of opportunities for his post-Senate career. ( Write your own one-liner here). OTHER HOT NEWS: The St. Paul Saints, in a tribute to the Senator, gave out 2500 "bobblefoot" toys--which feature a bathroom stall with two feet poking out of the bottom. When the toy is shaken, one of the spring-loaded feet taps. The side of the toy says "For a good time call...(the team's ticket sales hotline"). Some of the toys have popped up on eBay--with bidding as high as $152. A savvy shoe manufacturer is bound to get onto the bandwagon......Manolo Cajolos?

4-KASEY KAZEE IS CWAZY: On August 10, 2007, the aforementioned Mr. Kazee entered an Ashland, Kentucky liquor store with his entire head--except for openings at his eyes and mouth--wrapped in duct tape. According to A.P., the 25-year-old idiot/bandit "told a clerk he had a knife and threatened to harm her if she didn't give him the money from the cash register...The clerk complied...but before the Duct Tape Bandit could make his getaway, another store employee tackled him in the parking lot..." Kazee faces a maximum sentence of 10 years. P.S. The store manager said the register came up $15 short. No
mention of the screams when the cops ripped off the duct tape.

5-THE TV NETWORKS DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING. They're always hysterical about the importance of ratings among the 18-34 crowd, but here's a show that would get every senior on the planet: "American Elders," based on "American Idol," but contestants have to be a minimum of 65-years-old (no maximum) and they're encouraged to perform hits from 1938-1960. Judges: Kirk Douglas, Jerry Lewis & Paula Abdul.

6-GRAPEVINE'S DOG-DO-IN–THE-FACE AWARD TO: A nanny, banging repeatedly into peoples' feet as she wheels twin boys in a double-carriage through Fairway's narrow aisles, while chatting on her cellphone.

7-FAT, FAT, THE WATER RAT--60 BULLETS IN YOUR HAT: A Riverhead, Long Island music shop owner, accused of selling bogus Gibson Les Paul guitars (for $1,500) "has been arraigned in a pickup truck in a courthouse parking lot after his lawyer said the 500-pound defendant couldn't walk into the courthouse." (A.P., May 3). "State Supreme Court Justice Robert Doyle said the man's 'severe weight problem' prompted the unusual proceeding...The shopkeeper...says the case and health problems have forced him to close his store." Not mentioned: Mr. HeavyMetal could no longer fit through the doorway.

8-JUST ASKING: Shouldn’t a female cockroach be called a "henroach"--or something much less dignified?

9-FROG AND CHICKEN AREN'T THE ONLY ROASTED LEGS AVAILABLE IN JACKSONVILLE: Potential burglar/definite moron Jayson Hammond, in trying to break into a pharmacy, roamed through its vent system and fell through the ceiling of the neighboring Mandarin restaurant. According to the Orlando News (May 6, 2008), the eatery's manager "said he was looking around the kitchen and spotted a foot and then a leg hanging out of a grill vent...'" The restaurant's owner added, "'He would have skittled right onto the grill and into the oil. So, basically, we saved his life by calling the police.'" When Hammond was rescued by firefighters, he was bleeding and covered with grease. He told cops that he'd had a fight with his wife and decided to let some steam out and fell into the vent. Did he want fries with that?

10-FACING MATURITY: Okay, I've gotten over the shock of people offering me their seats on city buses---but, come on--the other day some guy offered me his wheelchair.


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ISSUE 64-APRIL 30, 2008
By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-IS THIS GOING TO BE A RATINGS GIANT—OR WHAT? Potential TV Reality Show: "Douching With the Stars"—Contestants will be asked to compete with the advanced techniques of Paris Hilton, Melissa Rivers and Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. Each week's winner will receive lifetime supplies of specially-designed Louis Vuitton douchebags. Hosts Kevin Federline and Nick Lachey will be the judges. The show’s theme song, written by former "American Idol" contestant, Sanjaya Malakar: "Vuitton Initials In My Cutie's Utie."

2-WHY DOESN’T NAOMI CAMPBELL GET SENT TO IRAQ? She's always attacking people. Maybe she could win the war.

3-"I'M ON THE BUS AND...OH, I HAVE SUCH A HEADACHE..." Mobile phones could kill far more people than smoking or asbestos, according to a study by Dr Vini Khurana, an award-winning cancer expert, who adds that his assessment is partly based on "the fact that three billion people now use the phones worldwide, three times as many as smoke." He says people should avoid using them wherever possible and that governments and the mobile phone industry must take "immediate steps" to reduce exposure to their radiation." (London Independent.co.uk)." HOW SOON, OH LORD, HOW SOON?

4-LET'S GIVE THE WOMEN THEIR DUE: Suggested name for female tabloid photographers: Mamarazzi.

5-NUTTY MARRIOT(A?): The old, 400,000-square-foot psychiatric ward at New York's Bellevue Hospital, now closed down, may become a hotel. According to the New York Post (April 1, 2008), "City officials...said they're confident the...ward, which until the mid-1980s provided...accommodations to countless kooks and criminals, would help fill a void in Manhattan's East Side medical corridor...'The ward housed fewer sax players than ax murderers,' said Dr. Frederick Covan, who for 14 years was its chief psychologist. '...We had one guy who bashed his mother's brains in with an iron and then did gynecological surgery on her,' he said, adding that another patient was Mark David Chapman, John Lennon's murderer. 'When I first knew I was going to see him, I was worried my anger toward him would interfere with my ability to do my job...But he was such a pathetic character. I said "hello," and he smiled--then he said, "Oh, excuse me. I shouldn't be smiling."'" Can't wait to see the room service menu.

6-SOME OF THEM WOULD DO IT WITH A VOTING MACHINE: Thomas Athans, the husband of U.S. Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-Michigan), paid $150 to a prostitute for sex at a Troy, Michigan, hotel in February, according to the Detroit Free Press (April 2, 2008). Athans, 46, co-founder of radio network, Democracy Radio, "was not arrested or charged, but agreed to cooperate with police in their investigation into Internet-based prostitution at city hotels." Well, now that the media is digging into every unzipped fly, hubby joins Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, Jim McGreevey, Governor and Mrs. Patterson, Senator "TwinkleToes" Craig and what promises to be an endless list of sexual explorers. Thought: Is it possible that Booker T. Washington (1856-1915), who was married three times (first two wives died--of natural causes)--was nicknamed Hooker T. Washington?

7-YIDDISH/JAPANESE FUSION RESTAURANT : Miso Meshugener.

8-HE SAVED THE COST OF A GETAWAY CAR: Palo Alto, California police are looking for a 60ish, grey-haired man who held up a Wachovia Bank branch with a handgun and then whizzed away in a motorized wheelchair (San Jose Mercury News, April 4). "Witnesses say the man's legs were wrapped in bandages and his right leg was sticking straight out while he zoomed away."

9-DO YOU WANT MUSTARD WITH THAT? Alfreda Van Bladel, 28, of Orange County, Florida, had prepared a hot dog dinner for her husband, Anton, following which Anton snatched the plate from his wife's hands and tossed the hot dogs into her face. She responded by stabbing him in the shoulder with a steak knife. Then, according to authorities, Anton grabbed a handgun, pointed it at Alfreda's head and said he was going to kill her. (Orlando News, April 4). The couple were arrested and face several charges, including aggravated battery and assault. And then the hot dogs cooled off and became inedible. What a waste!

10-MADE IN HEAVEN? Ari Emanuel heads a major talent agency in L.A. If he married Shirley Temple, her name would be Shirley Temple Emanuel.

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ISSUE 63-MARCH 31, 2008
By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-GUESS WHO'S IN THE MILE-HIGH CLUB: President Bush's former attorney, Harriet Miers—who described her boss as "the most brilliant man I know"--allegedly told a Washington Post reporter that she once had a sexual tryst with New York Governor Paterson in the rest room of a flight from New York to Washington. Paterson admitted to the incident, adding, "I'm blind...What the hell did I know?"

2-DON'T SELL HARRIET SHORT! Immediately after the President nominated Ms. Miers to the U.S. Supreme Court (On October 3, 2005), she ordered six navy blue designer judicial robes. But, 25 days later, yielding to God-knows-what pressure, she requested that Mr. Brilliance withdraw the nomination and immediately listed the robes on E-Bay. One was purchased last Halloween for $14.50.

3-DID YOU FORGET THAT YOU JUST ATE FOUR CHEESEBURGERS? "Having a big belly in your 40s can boost your risk of getting Alzheimer's or other dementia decades later, a new study suggests." (A.P., March 27, 2008). "Abdominal fat...has already been linked to higher risk of developing diabetes, stroke and heart disease. Now we can add dementia to that," said study author Rachel Whitmer of the Kaiser Permanente Division of Research in Oakland, Calif. "The study involved 6,583 men and women who were ages 40 to 45...Their belly size was measured by using a caliper to find the distance between their backs and the surface of their upper abdomens. For the study, a distance of about 10 inches or more was considered high." So all you fatties better buy rulers if you want to keep your friends.

4-WHY IS IT...that any famous person with a terminal illness is described by the media as "brave" and "courageous"? Everyone I've ever known facing that tragic future was always sad and/or pissed-off.

5-SPITZERMANIA? "Prosecutors in Manatee County, Florida, are moving ahead with a case against one of two 93-year-old men picked up during undercover prostitution stings (Sarasota Herald-Tribune, March 25, 2008). "In the case of Frank Milio, prosecutors...plan to take him to trial in April. Milio...tried to pay $20...to an undercover officer." He claimed that he was only flirting: "I haven't had that in years." Carlos Underhill, 93, will not be charged, although he does not deny stopping to chat with the "good-looking girl" who made eyes at him and turned out to be an undercover officer. Police say Underhill was willing to pay $30 for sex and that he promised to come back a few hours later to consummate the deal. but prosecutors cannot move ahead with the criminal case because there is no way to prove Underhill planned to come back. Or even remembered.

6-MALE CROCODILE WHO CAN'T PERFORM SEXUALLY: Ereptile Dysfuction.

7-SEX WITHOUT LOVE? A POX ON YOU! The Italian Synod of Bishops appealed to actors to refuse to take part in "vulgar and destructive" erotic scenes in films (London Sunday Times). They condemned an explicit sex scene in "Caos Calmo," in which actor/director Nanni Moretti plays a TV executive who experiences a mid-life crisis...and then has a torrid affair with a woman he saves from drowning. Father Nicolò Anselmi, head of the youth section of the Italian Bishops Conference, said that "the gratuitous" sex scene with Isabella Ferrari (Moretti's co-star), would have an undesirable effect on the "impressionable young since it was shown without any context involving love or tenderness."
Unlike the love and tenderness shown by priests while fondling young boys.

8-THOU SHALT NOT INHALE: "High on Mount Sinai, Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments," according to Benny Shanon, a professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem (BREITBART.COM. March 4, 2008). "Such mind-altering substances formed an integral part of the religious rites of Israelites in biblical times...Moses was probably also on drugs when he saw the "burning bush," added Shanon,who said he himself has dabbled with such substances. So Mel Brooks was right. There were 15 Commandments and spaced-out Moses dropped one.

9-"I SAID 'SIT!' WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?": "Pets at risk of self-harm are increasingly being prescribed anti-depressants because they cannot discuss problems in their lives with others," says Romain Pizzi, wildlife medicine specialist with the UK's Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons, (London Telegraph), adding that (many)pets were being prescribed Prozac. "Tropical birds such as parrots seemed to have been the most affected by depression, Mr Pizzi said. "If people go out to work all day their parrot will get...bored and frustrated and eventually develop depression...Symptoms often include plucking out their feathers or self-harming, which is obviously very dangerous...When cockatoos ...are depressed they can start to self-mutilate and peck their own legs to the bone." Some of the world's largest pharmaceutical companies have also recognized the need for anti-depressants for animals. Last year, Eli Lilly released a chewable anti-depressant for dogs and Pfizer has created a diet drug for dogs, as well as motion-sickness medicine for all pets. Can "Furry-Feathery Viagra" Be Far Behind?

10-ENOUGH WITH THE INSULTS! At a recent press conference, Senator John McCain was allegedly asked, "Don't you worry that age limitations will affect your ability to run the country?" A source claims that McCain furiously replied, "Age-Shmage! Let's move on to important matters like getting our troops out of Vietnam!"
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ISSUE 62-FEBRUARY 14, 2008
By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-CHATTER AT A WEST END AVENUE BUS STOP: One 60ish woman to another: "My husband died six years ago and all my friends have been telling me that I should look for another guy, but I'm too independent and don't want to have to make compromises. I'm a Sagittarius, you know." God knows what she would have done had she been a Libra.

2- DOESN’T THIS HEAT HAVE A FUNNY SMELL? "A Swedish company plans to harness the body heat generated by thousands of commuters scrambling to catch their trains at Stockholm's main railway station and use it for heating a nearby office building." (Yahoo). "The idea is to have large ventilators in the station suck in the warm air and use it to heat up water, which will then be shipped through pipes to the new office building." And when one of those pipes bursts, head for Norway.

3-THE YEAR'S MOST PECULIAR ADVICE: Dove candies have little homey advice messages inside their foil wrappers. Here’s one: "Sing along with the elevator music." And then the elevator's other occupants will put you into a straitjacket.

4 –IT'S NOT ALWAYS "BEATLES": A new species of beetle, discovered by an Arizona State University entomologist, appears as though it’s wearing a tuxedo and has been named Orectochilus Orbisonorum, after the late rock 'n' roll legend Roy Orbison and his widow Barbara. According to AOL, "The beetles have 'divided' eyes that can see both above and below the water." Just like most Candy Men.

5-SEX IN RESTROOM STALLS IS PRIVATE: That's what the American Civil Liberties Union has proclaimed, thereby giving Senator Larry Craig yet another reason to continue his successful career. But if he knows what's good for him, he'll keep his friggin' Manolos in his own booth.

6- "REALLY HOT SEX": Last month, Kirsten Taylor, of York County, Pennsylvania, was mysteriously electrocuted--until police officer/hubby Toby Taylor, admitted that they were "into weird sexual behaviors," adding that he usually hooked clips, attached to electrical cords, to her nipples, then plugged the cord into a electric strip to get her in the mood. He added that Kirsten had removed her clothes, attached the clips, and shocked herself, after which he picked up the electric strip and shocked her several more times. Then she "fell over on to her face." Taylor initially thought his wife was joking, but quickly realized she was dead. He was charged with involuntary manslaughter and reckless endangerment. They never heard of necking?

7-NO BLUE BALTICS: German travel agency OssiUrlaub has begun taking bookings for a July 5, 2008 "trial nudist day" trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom (Reuters). The agency's managing director said, "The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking...though "the crew will remain clothed throughout the flight for safety reasons...."I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that....We're a perfectly normal holiday company." He didn’t mention their surname: "Flashing Uber Alles."

8-TODAY'S PAGE STYX: "Playing tonsil hockey, canoodling and sucking face for four hours last night at Feltupp, the east side's newest, hottest, most exclusive club: Avablowa Relentlesse, Ricardo Manjahckoff, Filomena Sukhasausage, Marguerella Scroomee and Seymour Snatcho, all recent contestants on TV's reality show, 'So You Want To Be A Human'." In case you were tired of all that daily gossip about Paris, Britney, Lindsay and one or another Olsen twin.....

9- NO MORE SCREWS LOOSE: In "Love and Sex With Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships," author David Levy predicts, "By 2050 we'll be creating robots so lifelike, so imbued with human-seeming intelligence and emotions, as to be nearly indistinguishable from real people. And we'll have sex with these robots. Some of us will even marry them. And it will all be good." (Houston Chronicle). He concludes the book with: "Great sex on tap for everyone, 24/7.'" Oh, yeah? It’s only a matter of time before some robot says, "Honey, hands off my bolts. I'm not in the mood tonight."

10-CASTING A PEARL TO PLAY A SWINE: According to Variety, Oliver Stone's next directing project will be "Bush," a film focusing on the life and presidency of George W. Bush, and he's offered the title role to Josh Brolin.Too bad it isn't a Disney project. Dopey would be perfect. ******************** b>ISSUE 61-DECEMBER 20, 2007
By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-THAT'S NOT CHOCOLATE ON YOUR PILLOW: Beijing, preparing to host the 2008 Olympics, has ordered hotels to provide condoms in all bedrooms in a bid to stop the spread of HIV/AIDS after cases of infection soared 54 percent in the first 10 months of this year (Reuters, November 23). If they're anything like the toys they produce, it's best to bring your own..

2-FARMHOUSE SHOP THAT OFFERS SEX, DISHES & FLATWARE: Twottery Barn.

3- HIS BROTHER'S SLEEPER: Eighty-year-old Archbishop Earl Paulk, leader of the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit at Chapel Hill Harvester Church, in Decatur, Georgia, "is at the center of a sex scandal of biblical dimensions: He slept with his brother's wife and fathered a child by her." (A.P., November 19). The living proof is 34-year-old D.E. Paulk, the church's head pastor, who for years was known publicly as Earl Paulk's nephew, but is really his son. The archbishop, his brother and the church are being sued by former church employee Mona Brewer, who says Earl Paulk manipulated her into an affair from 1989 to 2003 by telling her it was her only path to salvation. Paulk admitted to the affair in front of the church last January. Well, he was obviously too busy to molest boys.

4-"OLD FART": That's meant as an insult, but wouldn't "NEW FART" be worse?

5-HOT ROBOT NEWS FROM TOKYO: "A pearly white robot that looks like E.T., boosted a man out of bed, chatted and helped prepare his breakfast... Twendy-One, named as a 21st century edition of a previous robot, Wendy, has soft hands and fingers with enough strength to support humans as they sit up and stand, and help lift people out of bed." (Reuters, November 27). The professor who led the project said that the robot is a little shorter than an average Japanese woman (5 ft), but heavy-set (245 pounds) and has long arms and a face shaped like a giant squashed bean. He added that he hoped to develop a commercially viable robot that could help the elderly and maybe work in offices by 2015 with a price tag of around $200,000. First, let's put Twendy on a diet. Then, try to get her services onto a medical plan.

6-FOOD NAMED AFTER A NASTY, INCONSTANT PERSON: Sour Fickle.

7-ROYAL FLUSH: On November 30, for millions of people in Orange County, “pulling the bathroom lever was the start of a long, intense process to purify sewage into drinking water--after a hard scrubbing with filters, screens, chemicals and ultraviolet light and the passage of time underground (N.Y Times). "On that day, Orange County Water District turned on what industry experts say is the world's largest plant devoted to purifying sewer water to increase drinking water supplies. The process, called by proponents 'indirect potable water reuse' and 'toilet to tap' by the wary, is getting a close look in several cities." The Orange County plant, will process 70 million gallons a day and "the finished product, district managers say, exceeds drinking water standards." Revised curse: "Eat shit and live!"

8-POPULAR YIDDISH DISH SENT VIA CAB: Taxi-derma.

9-BIG DICK TALKS ABOUT BIG STICKS: Vice President Cheney warned in an interview (POLITICO, December 5) that a premature withdrawal from Iraq would invite "further attacks" against the United States, adding that he has been surprised by the "weakness of the Democratic Congress," especially former friends, Representatives John Dingell (Michigan) and John P. Murtha (Pennsylvania), who, he said, "march to the tune of Nancy Pelosi to an extent I had not seen, frankly, with any previous speaker." Asked whether these men had lost their spines, he responded, "They are not carrying the big sticks I would have expected." Dickmouth didn’t mention that his "big stick" shoots bullets.

10-HELLO! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M DEAD? "A pedestrian, apparently absorbed in a cell phone call, was struck and killed by an Amtrak train in San Leandro, California (San Francisco Chronicle, December 6)." Authorities said that he had walked around a properly-functioning lowered crossing gate and onto the tracks and obviously didn't notice the train's warning lights. Let's have more like him on New York City buses.
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ISSUE 60-NOVEMBER 19, 2007

1-ONE OF THE MANY REASONS I LOVE NEW YORK: I was in Fairway, ordering a spinach knish. As the server handed it to me, a really old guy standing nearby, said, "They're delicious."
Me: "I know. I've been eating them since before you were born."
Man: "How old are you?"
Me: "106."
Man: "You don't look a day over 103."

2-RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING E-MAIL: LOTTO_winer...@ We Ref.# 905-721 NL 22 Decided not to open it. The real winer is bound to show up.

3-TOILETS R US: "If you're stuck in traffic when Mother Nature calls, Japan's Kaneko Sangyo Co. has developed the loo for you." (Reuters Life!, October 23, 2007). According to the manufacturer of plastic car accessories, its new portable toilet for cars "comes with a curtain large enough to conceal users and a plastic bag to collect waste." The commode will come in handy "during major disasters such as earthquakes or when you are caught in a traffic jam....The product is small enough to fit inside a suitcase, a company official said." So it's only a matter of time before it can fit into backpacks—or phones--and the world will, finally, come to an end (so to speak).

4- ONE OF (THE NOW-LATE) TERESA BREWER'S HITS WAS "RICHOCHET ROMANCE." Is it possible that the composers of the 1953 hit were complaining about an Irish lover?
I don't want a Rick O'Shea romance, I don't want a Rick O'Shea love/If you're careless with your kisses, find another turtle dove/I can't live on Rick O'Shea romance, no, no not me/If you're gonna Rick O'Shea, I'm gonna set you free. IN THE IRISH SEA?

5-THE U.S. OF WHAT? Here’s the recorded message I received when I called—so far-- two companies: "To continue in English, press 1." And if you're not quick about it, you'll get a message in Spanish. Mierda!

6-A HECKUVA PRESS CONFERENCE: FEMA,"the U.S. government's main disaster-response agency, apologized…for having its employees pose as reporters in a hastily called news conference on California's wildfires that no news organizations attended (Reuters, October 26)." A spokeswoman for Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, who has authority over FEMA, called the incident "inexcusable and offensive...Stunts such as this will not be tolerated or repeated." She added that the department was looking at the possibility of reprimanding those responsible. Don't spank them. They'd probably enjoy it.

7-Seattle-Based Jones Soda Co. has announced that, in celebration of upcoming holidays, it will produce Christmas sodas named—and appropriately flavored--
Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog and Christmas Ham (insisting that it will be kosher). And: To celebrate Hanukkah, they'll be offering Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Coins and Latkess. Would it kill them to produce a borscht flavor?.

8-WORLD OF THE FUTURE? "The human race will one day split into two separate species, an attractive, intelligent ruling elite and an underclass of dim-witted, ugly goblin-like creatures." (London Daily Mail, October 26, 2007) The prediction "comes from evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry....of...the London School of Economics, who says that the human race will have reached its physical peak by the year 3000." If Curry took a ride on a New York subway, he might not have to wait that long.

9- PAPAL TRAIL: Pope Benedict XVI will make his first trip to the U.S., from April 15-20, 2008, during which he will visit Ground Zero, deliver a public mass at Yankee Stadium, address the U.N., perform a mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, followed by an appearance at Saint Joseph's Seminary in Yonkers, where His Holiness will participate in an event with young people. After which he will announce his candidacy for President of the U.S. And why not? Everybody else is running.

10-FAREWELL SONG: Renowned psychiatrist Carl Jung, founder of analytical psychology, married Emma Rauschenbach in 1903. During the long marriage, Emma endured emotional trauma, caused by Carl's affairs with several women, but she stayed married to him until her death in 1955. My fantasy: She filed for divorce and, when the final papers were issued, she sang, "I'm Glad I'm Not Jung Anymore."

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ISSUE 59-OCTOBER 17, 2007

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-BEST SIGHTING OF THE YEAR: On Broadway, near 72nd Street, a 70ish woman srolls by, wearing a T-shirt that reads, "I NEVER THOUGHT I'D MISS NIXON."

2-HOT GIULIANI RUMOR: An unimpeachable source tells Grapevine that Judith Giuliani actually had a fourth husband who impregnated her. When the child--a boy--was born 18 years ago, she immediately gave him up for adoption. But the kid—now known as "American Idol" celebrity Sanjiya Malakar--spent years searching for his origins and is now ready to tell the world that she is his mother. He plans to announce it during a phone conversation with Presidential hopeful Rudy in the middle of the latter's next very important speech about how he saved the world. Sanjiya will follow this up with a song he composed, in his inimitable voice: "Rudy’s A Shmoozer, a Cruiser and, Most of All, a Loser."

3- WITH THE INCREASING COMMERCIALIZATION OF NEW YORK'S LOWER EAST SIDE, it's only a matter of time before TV offers us:
"C.S.I.—YONAH SCHIMMEL."

4-HE WAS A SHOE-IN: On October 13, Senator Larry Craig was named to the Idaho Hall of Fame, marking the Republican lawmaker's first ceremonial appearance back in his home state since his arrest in an airport bathroom sex sting became public in August. The ceremony was in Boise, which, in the Senator's honor, may be renamed "Boise Will Be Boise"

4(b) WHEN CRAIG LEAVES THE SENATE, THE PRIESTHOOD AWAITS: A Vatican official, suspended after being caught on hidden camera making advances to a young man, says he is not gay and was only pretending to be gay as part of his work (A.P.). In an interview, Monsignor Tommaso Stenico told La Repubblica he frequented online gay chat rooms and met with gay men as part of his work as a psychoanalyst. He said that he pretended to be gay in order to gather information about "those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity." Jesus, why don't they keep their vestments to themselves?

5-GO AHEAD, CALL ME INSENSITIVE: Idea for funeral home gift shop: "Dead, Bath & Beyond."

6-WONDERFUL NEW JERSEY TRANSIT (I'm not kidding) is launching a campaign aimed at people who gab loudly on cell phones, spread their belongings across a number of seats or listen to loud music, driving most other commuters crazy (A.P.). The agency is planning to put up posters on all trains, featuring pictures of people venting about problems that irritate commuters. One poster shows a woman whose mouth is wide open, appearing to be screaming, under the words "How many seats do you need?" Another poster shows a man plugging his ears with his fingers under the words "I can't take the noise!" And when is New York going to follow suit before somebody (probably me) commits murder on a city bus?.

7-IF ONLY THIS HAD HAPPENED ALL THOSE YEARS AGO AT BROOKLYN COLLEGE: Colorado State University's Rocky Mountain Collegian newspaper printed an editorial using the following: "Taser this ... Fuck Bush." (The expletive was spelled out, in bold type). Collegian Editor David McSwane told 7 News, "We felt it illustrated our point about freedom of speech." He added that ads from the CSU Bookstore were pulled from the paper in response to the editorial. A.P. reported that the student newspaper has lost $30,000 in advertising and had to cut pay and other budgets by 10 percent because of fallout. But if they polled the editors I bet that they'd all say that it was worth it.

8-YOU'RE GETTING TO BE A HABIT WITH ME: "A convent in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows....Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior's authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari."(AFP)...Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri tried to reconcile the nuns but finally decided...that they had "clearly lost their religious vocation" and asked the Vatican for permission to close the convent. And, within the next month, Annamaria and Gianbattista will be working registers at Fairway.

9-SPOTTED AT MANHATTAN BUS STOP: A boy, about five-years-old, wearing a yarmulke with a Batman insignia. I guess Superman wasn't Orthodox.

10- "WITHOUT FIDEL: The Death of Castro and Other Tales" (Scribner), by Anne Louise Bardach, confirms that the Cuban leader is terminally ill and dying -- yet determined to outlive the Bush presidency. Aren't we all?

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ISSUE 58-SEPEMBER 23, 2007

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-HAIR TODAY—GONE YESTERDAY: "A former CIA operative and Cuban exile plans to auction what he says is a lock of Che Guevara's hair, snipped before the Argentine rebel was buried in 1967." (N.Y. Daily News, September 4). "Gustavo Villoldo, 71, was involved in Guevara's capture in the jungles of Bolivia, according to unclassified records." Better than the story is the News’ headline: "Che What?"

2-MALIBU RUMOR: A gay showbiz billionaire (Don't waste your time guessing; the list is too long) has had a room in his Malibu estate converted, at enormous expense, into a duplicate of the men's public bathroom at the Minneapolis Airport, which he uses as a party game: "Footsie-Footsie-Find-Your-Tootsie." The game is catching on all over L.A.

3- HAS ANYBODY CONSIDERED CHECKING OUT:
(A) The women's public bathroom at Minneapolis Airport?
(B) Where "LaLa" Craig buys his shoes?

4-THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU HIRE 10-YEAR-OLDS TO WRITE YOUR FLYERS: September 3-16 Items On Sale At Jubilee Marketplace on Manhattan’s Riverside Boulevard-- "New Man's Own Pasta Sauce." Photo on jar is of Paul (one word) Newman. At least they didn't screw up the ad for "Wolfgang Puck Organic Soup."

5-SUGGESTED PROVERBIAL SLOGAN FOR CONSTIPATION MEDICINE: "A Turd In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Tush."

6- WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN IT'S FREE? Tens of thousands of condoms provided free by Washington, D.C. to curb HIV-AIDS have been returned to the health department because of complaints that their paper packaging is easily damaged and could render the condoms ineffective (Washington Post, September 5, 2007). "Demand at two distribution sites...plummeted more than 80 percent after the condoms, in a mustard-yellow and purple wrapper, were introduced...More than 2,000 packets a week were scooped up in mid-March, but by late May, only 400 were being given away each week...Volunteers...began asking people who had picked up the condoms. They were told about packets ripping in purses or bursting open in pockets. As a result, recipients said they had little confidence that the condoms would offer protection. In addition, expiration dates on some of the Chinese-made condoms were illegible. Moo Goo New Daddy.

7-"HELLO!....HELLO!....HELL.....HE....." CRASH! "Mobile phones do not pose health problems to adults in the short term but...we cannot rule out risks of brain or ear cancer for those who have used mobiles for more than 10 years," according to a study by (England's) Mobile Telecommunications and Health Research program. (Guardian, September 13, 2007). I want to be sitting on the bus when that happens.

8-IF YOU'RE VISITING VENEZUELA, DON'T DRIVE: "Caracas resident Carlos Camejo, 33, was declared dead after a highway accident and taken to the morgue (Reuters), where examiners began an autopsy only to realize something was amiss when he started bleeding. They quickly sought to stitch up the incision on his face."

9-ONE WAY TO PUNISH BAD BOYS: Mobile, Alabama County Circuit Judge Herman Thomas is being investigated for allegedly paddling inmates (Mobile Press-Register, September 5). Thomas is accused of periodically removing prisoners from Mobile County Metro Jail and spanking them in a room at the courthouse. "...Once inside the room, the judge would ask the men to drop their pants and prepare to be spanked with what was described as a wooden paddle….Sources…say that between six to 12 men have shared their accounts with investigators." Better Than The Report Are Comments From Readers :
(1) "Gee, in San Francisco we have lots of people who pay $200 a session for that kind of treatment! Perhaps this judge has a bright future in Bay Area "(Adrian Vance).
(2) "That's some kinky place. I think Senator Larry Craig would like to break into that prison!" (ProfessorVP).

10-ANOTHER WAY TO PUNISH BAD BOYS (AND GIRLS): Violators of Fort Lupton's (Colorado) noise ordinance were sentenced by Judge Paul Sacco to one hour of listening to unpopular or unusual music. In a courtroom with mostly young adult offenders, the judge carries out the punishment about four times per year. "He said (according to CBS-TV) he believes the sentence fits the crime. 'When you have a person playing rap at extreme volumes all over the city, and they have to sit down and listen for an hour to Barry Manilow, it's horrible punishment.'....He also said there have been only a few repeat offenders of the noise ordinance law." Is that because of the high suicide rate among first-time offenders?

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ISSUE 57-AUGUST 27, 2007

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-OH, SURE, SHE'S JUST THE PSYCHIC I NEED: A New York Daily News ad announces "Meet Princess Diana's psychic: Francesca Kimpton (on August 28, 7:00 P.M. at the New Yorker Hotel)." Admission is $29.99 and "Several participants will receive free readings." I don't recall any August 1997 warnings from Kimpton to her famous client, for instance: "Attention Princess Diana: Danger awaits if you board that Mercedes Benz with Dodi and a drunken chauffeur heading into Paris' Pont d l'Alma Tunnel."
Some psychic, as my mother would have said.

2-MY WISH for the next TV emcee who announces a performance and then screams, "Give it up!" That would be a signal for everybody in the audience to projectile-vomit onto him.

3- LET'S SEE HOW HE LIES HIS WAY OUT OF THIS: On August 7, AP announced: "Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. (Atlantic City) said Tuesday its second-quarter loss widened as gaming revenue fell, partly due to increased regional competition...and a smoking ban...The casino operator reported a loss of $13.5 million, or 43 cents per share, versus a loss of $4.9 million, or 16 cents per share, in the prior-year period." He'll probably say it's an ingenious secret plan for financial victory.

4-E-MAIL I DIDN'T OPEN, BUT I'LL ALWAYS WONDER: "legalherniarecall."

5-HICKORY DICKORY DOC: "Scientists have created the world's first schizophrenic mice in an attempt to gain a better understanding of the illness." (London Sunday Times). "It is believed to be the first time an animal has been genetically engineered to have a mental illness...It will allow researchers to study the disease and develop treatments using a limitless supply of laboratory animals...The mice were created by modifying their DNA to mimic a mutant gene first found in a Scottish family with a high incidence of schizophrenia, which affects about one in every 100 people. The mice's brains were found to have features similar to those of humans with schizophrenia, such as depression and hyperactivity." Somebody should have warned those Scots not to eat so much cheese.

6-JEWELRY FOR THE (SORT-OF) STARS: A Rodeo Drive jewelry shop may soon offer a product designed for Britney, Paris, Lindsay and the rest of that gang: Douchebaguettes.

7-IF HE HAD ASKED FOR A DIME HE MIGHT STILL BE WITH US: On a Cincinnati street earlier this month, a homeless man approached 62-year-old Geraldine Beasley and asked her for a quarter. She pulled out a gun, shot and killed him. Where was she when we needed her in New York?

8-THIS CENTURY'S MOST OVERUSED EXPRESSION:
"24/7." Enough!

9-EVERYBODY SHOULD HAVE HIS TROUBLES: James Bonomo, a former Mitsubishi International executive, is suing his ex-employer because, on an April 2005 trip to Beijing, including a booze-filled karaoke bash, followed by a visit to a bathhouse, a co-worker allegedly took a picture of his penis with his cellphone and refused to destroy it. Worse: Bonomo’s boss compared it to an "Italian sausage" and continued to make fun of its considerable size. Not long after the trip, Bonomo's suit claims, his work environment became abusive and hostile and, ultimately, he quit. As his replacement, only men nicknamed "Pigs-In-Blankets" need apply.

10-NOW THAT KARL CHRISTIAN ROVE HAS DONE AS MUCH DAMAGE AS POSSIBLE, he's vacating our esteemed President's brain to focus on "teaching and writing." In his spare time, maybe he can become an advisor to Mattel on how to sneak the magnets back into Barbie.

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ISSUE 56-July 18, 2007

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-STOP THE PRESSES! Excessive worrying will very likely shorten your life, according to a study by a Purdue University researcher (published in May’s Psychological Science and reported in the June 7 AARP Bulletin). Evaluating data on personality change and mortality in 1,663 men, ages 43 to 91--during 18 years of follow-up--men who became increasingly neurotic had a much higher risk of dying than those who stayed the same or became less neurotic. Imagine how much longer that 91-year-old guy might have lived if he hadn't been so tense. .

2-Now that Michael Moore's "Sicko" is a success, he might consider doing a document