Lawrence Eisenberg

ISSUE 88-AUGUST 2, 2010

1-SUGGESTED ANGRY EXPRESSION FOR FUTURE DICTIONARIES: "Go MelGibson yourself!"
.....1a-HAVE WE FINALLY HEARD THE LAST OF THOSE MOTHERF-----G , C---KS------G,
A--SH--E, S--T E----G TAPES SUPPLIED BY THAT WORLD-CLASS B---H OKSANA GRIGORIEVA?

2-CAN WE HANG THAT OTHER SWELL GUY, OLIVER STONE, FROM A TREE BY HIS CIRCUMCIZED PENIS? (FYI: His father was Jewish. Can you imagine how happy dad must be that he didn't live to hear his son's Nazified rant?) In case you missed it, Stone was quoted in the July 25, 2010 issue of the Sunday Times of London: "Hitler was a Frankenstein, but there was also a Dr. Frankenstein. German Industrialists, the Americans and the British. He had a lot of support...Hitler did far more damage to the Russians than the Jewish people...Israel f---ed up United States foreign policy for years." He apologized the following day. Well, he can still hang from that tree for another month or so.

3-WHAT'S NEXT? TV now has the following shows: "Dance Your Ass Off" and "Nick Swardson: Who Farted?" Comedy Channel). The film, "Dinner For Schmucks" has recently been released and an off-Broadway theater is casting "Puppetry of the Penis." What were once known as "dirty words" are now all over the media...Therefore: I'm developing several TV shows: "So You Think You Can Douche," with winners to compete on "Shitting With the Stars" and "The Many Meanings of Fuck Throughout History."

4-THOSE "FATHERS" JUST CAN'T KEEP THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELVES: "Catholic sex scandal, as undercover reporter 'films priests at gay clubs and having casual flings'" (Mail Online, July 24, 2010. "Using hidden cameras, a journalist from Panorama magazine--owned by Italian Prime Minister and media baron Silvio Berlusconi--filmed three priests as they attended gay nightspots and had casual sex. Today there was no immediate comment from the Italian Bishops Conference and the Vatican--which has been rocked by a series of sex scandals involving paedophile priests since the start of the year...The article describes how the reporter was assisted by a gay 'accomplice' as they 'gate-crashed the wild nights of a number of priests in Rome who live a surprising double-life.'" HEY VATICAN---THEYRE AT AGAIN!

5-CEMETERIES/​SHMEMETERIES: "Belgium's plan to wash its dead down the drain: Bodies would be dissolved in caustic solution...and flushed into the sewer."(MailOnline, July 8, 2010). "Undertakers in Belgium plan to eschew traditional burials and cremations and start dissolving corpses instead. The move is intended to tackle a lack of burial space and environmental concerns as 573lbs of carbon dioxide are released by each cremated corpse...Under the process, known as resomation, bodies are treated in a steel chamber with potassium hydroxide at high pressure and a temperature of 180c (350f). The raised pressure and temperature means the body reaches a similar end point as in standard cremation--just bones left to be crushed up--in two to three hours." Why not just chop them up and sell to meat markets?

6-OH, GET ON LINE: "North Korea seeks $75 trillion in compensation"(ABC NEWS, June25, 201. "Kim Jong-il, (leader)of cash-strapped North Korea, has demanded the United States pay almost $US65 trillion ($75 trillion) in compensation for six decades of hostility. The official North Korean news agency, KCNA, says (that is) the cost of the damage done by the US since the peninsula was divided in 1945...The compensation call comes on the eve of the 60th anniversary of the start of the 1950-1953 Korean War...The agency said North Koreans have "the justifiable right" to receive the compensation for their blood." Be patient, North Korea. Hitler's survivors are still waiting for us to pay up.

6-FLYING IS MORE FUN EVERY DAY: "Ryanair is planning to run flights where passengers stand during the journey at a cost of just £5 per ticket."(London Telegraph, July 1, 2010). "Michael O'Leary, the airline's chief executive, will set out proposal...that include charging customers to use the loo. A standing area with 'vertical seats' will be introduced at the back of its fleet of 250 planes. He said that charging customers £1 to make use of facilities would encourage travellers on one hour flights to use lavatories at the airport instead of on the aircraft. (He added that) he intended to introduce coin-operated loos." Will there be specific charges for what one does in the loo?

7-MORE FUN ALOFT: "Mexican authorities have arrested a man who was trying to smuggle 18 small monkeys into the country by carrying them in his clothing."(BBC News, July 20, 2010). "Roberto Sol Cabrera, a Mexican citizen, was stopped at a random check at Mexico City's international airport after arriving from Lima...Police said Mr Cabrera Zavaleta had been behaving 'nervously.' Once he was searched, it was discovered that he had hidden 18 titi monkeys in a girdle around his waist. After his arrest, Mr Sol Cabrera confessed that the animals had travelled in his luggage, and that he had put them under his clothing 'to protect them from X-rays' as he was going through customs...According to estimates, monkeys like the ones confiscated in the airport could have been sold for between $775...and $1,550 in Mexico. But did Sol or the monkeys have to use the loo?

8-AND ONE MORE: "Indian mum tries to flush newborn down plane toilet." (http:/​/​www.telegraph.co.uk, July 8, 2010). "An Indian woman gave birth to a baby in the lavatory of an international passenger plane and tried to dispose of it down the toilet...The infant was found stuck in the toilet after the plane landed in Amritsar, northern India, and was rushed to hospital still attached to the toilet bowl...HP Singh, a doctor at the Escorts Hospital near the airport, said that a team of surgeons used a saw cutter to remove the newborn's head from the toilet. The 22-year-old mother was reported to have left the plane when it landed, and was later arrested in the airport...Doctors at the hospital said the infant was in a critical condition. Newspapers reported the mother was an unmarried medical student returning home after completing a degree abroad. Did she have to pay for using the loo?

9-WHO NEEDS TO TREK TO THE CEMETERY? "Jean Stevens...91-year-old widow, lived with corpses of husband and twin sister." (AP, July 5, 2010). "She lived by herself in a tumbledown house on a desolate country road. But she wasn't alone...not as long as she could visit her husband and... sister...No matter they were already dead. Jean Stevens simply had their embalmed corpses dug up and stored them at her house-- n the case of her late husband, for more than a decade-- tending to the remains as best she could until police were finally tipped off last month...'Death is very hard for me to take," Stevens told an interviewer.' "Who should have replied, "No shit, Sherlock!"

10-HAIR TODAY, BUT NOT GONE TOMORROW: "The royal hair? Jam made from what its maker claims is one of Princess Diana's hairs is up for sale at an art exhibition in London."(Huffpost, July 4, 2010). "The preserve, called 'occult jam,' is part of a surrealist art show at London's Barbican Art Gallery that includes exhibits by Salvador Dali and Rene Margritte. The 5-pound-a-jar ($7.60) jam is both art and food, Sam Bompas, who founded catering company Bompas and Parr, said (adding that it is made by infusing a tiny speck of the late princess of Wales' hair with gin, which is then combined with milk and sugar to create a product with a taste resembling condensed milk. The hair was bought on eBay for $10 from a U.S. dealer who collects what he says is celebrity hair and sells it in extremely tiny parts. They didn’t specify where on Di's body the hair had been.

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ISSUE 87-JUNE 14, 2010

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1- THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY. Is there a Museum of Unnatural History?

2-I APPLIED FOR A JOB AS A NEW YORK TAXI DRIVER....But I was rejected because I don't speak Turkic, Azeri, Kazakh, Kyrgyz, Tatar, Turkmen, Uyghur, Uzbek or Buryat—and my Spanish is limited.

3-IN CASE YOU MISSED THIS A FEW YEARS AGO: "CONDOMS 'TOO BIG' FOR INDIAN MEN" (BBC News, Delhi, December 8, 2006): "A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men. The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms. It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India...Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely down to the last millimetre. The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers. The conclusion...is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture...The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears, an extremely high failure rate." OH, SO THAT'S WHY THEY NAMED IT CALCUTTA.

4-CAN I LIVE JUST ONE DAY WITHOUT (a) Hearing "Ya know..."? OR (b) Reading A Sarah Palin quote on how to fix all of this country's problems?

5-ORGIES/​SHMORGIES/​LO MEIN PIE...YEARS IN PRISON MAKE ME CRY: Ma Yaohai, a 53-year-old computer science professor, was jailed for three and a half years after pleading not guilty to holding orgies in eastern Nanjing, China. (Reuters, May 21, 2010). "What we did, we did for our own happiness," Ma told media at his home, where 14 of his 18 orgies, or "swinging games" as he called them, were held. "People chose to do it of their own free will and they knew they could stop at any time...We disturbed no one. Marriage is like water. You have to drink it. Swinging is like a cup of wine. You can drink it if you like. If you don't like it, don't drink it." Boy, Eliot Spitzer is one lucky/​shmucky.

6-LIARS AND CROOKS HAVE RIGHTS TOO: "The Mexican government is opening a satellite consular office on Catalina Island--a small resort off the California coast with a history of drug smuggling and human trafficking--to provide the island's illegal Mexican immigrants with identification cards." (Washington Examiner, June 3, 2010). Well, I guess that it’s only a matter of time before they issue IDs for murderers, rapists, thieves, swindlers...whatever.

7-WHO PICKS THESE NAMES? A product for soothing canker sores is called KANKA. It's only a matter of time before some pharmaceutical company releases "SyphoLite."

8-A PREACHER WHO DOES IT ALL: "A (Mobile) Alabama evangelist--Anthony Hopkins—(PERFECT NAME), who authorities say terrorized his family while preaching at revivals has been sentenced to life plus 51 years in prison after being convicted of killing his wife and storing her body in a home freezer… He got the maximum sentence of life for murder and additional time for convictions including sodomy and sexual abuse."(A.P., May 21, 1910). "Assistant District Attorney Ashley Rich...said he taught the eight children in his home things about the Bible that were not true and that helped him get away with his crimes for years. During Hopkins' trial in April, prosecutors said he killed his 36-year-old wife, Arletha Hopkins, in 2004 after she caught him molesting a girl, then stuffed her body in a freezer at their home in north Mobile. Investigators discovered the body in 2008 after a young woman abused by Hopkins told child advocates about it, authorities said. …Defense attorney Jeff Deen said his client admits putting his wife's body in the freezer, but he doesn't know how she died....There's evidence in the trial that it could've been by natural causes, and it needs to be explored on appeal.""OH, OF COURSE, IT'S ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING AND MY CLIENT IS INNOCENT."

9-TO MY FELLOW NEW YORK THEATERGOERS: ENOUGH WITH THOSE STANDING OVATIONS! Wild applause in theaters should convince those onstage that we enjoyed and appreciated them. For those of us in the 21st century who don't want to participate in standing ovations, we have to face the annoying asses (in every sense) in the row in front of us. P.S. And I won't be able to control myself next time I hear some pretentious shmuck shrieking, "Bravo!"

10-NO MORE LONELINESS FOR CORPSES: "For more than a century, folks have gone to Olinger Crown Hill Cemetery (Wheatridge, Colorado) to mourn endings. But now, the...103-year-old graveyard is working to reimagine itself as something more than a spot for solemn rituals...Pushing into the territory of galleries and performance halls, scheduling concerts and art exhibitions in hopes of engaging more routinely with the community," said general manager Kevin Wolfe (Denver Post, June 9, 2010). 'People come to cemeteries, and they are always looking down,' he said. But Wolfe wants them to look around, to experience the music and the art, the plants, the history and the culture. Crown Hill has laid careful plans for its transformation, as have some competitors... Cemeteries across the country are increasingly broadening their attractions beyond disposal of bodies to draw people past the wrought-iron gates...Cemetery directors want to bring people onto the grounds, to introduce them to the place and make it feel comfortable instead of forbidding...For example, Denver's historic Fairmount Cemetery...has long been hailed for its fine collection of old roses and trees but also hosts "First Friday" social events, summer potlucks celebrating loved ones buried there and concerts that pay tribute to Colorado history.... Wolfe even encourages couples to tie the knot on the cemetery grounds. 'So far, six have.' " SUGGESTION: ALSO INSTALL A GIFT SHOP IN EACH CEMETERY, CALLED, "DEAD, BATH & BEYOND."

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ISSUE 86-MAY 13, 2010

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-"WHEN THE TRUTH COMES OUT MY CLIENT WILL BE EXONERATED": In the entire history of the world, has there been one defense attorney who didn't proclaim that?

2-GUARANTEED TOP-RATED TV GAME SHOW: Former sex partners of Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Jesse James and Eliot Spitzer: "TWAT'S MY LINE."

3-THEY HAVE A RIGHT, TOO! "A pornographic magazine for the blind has been launched--complete with explicit text and raised pictures of naked men and women." (UK NEWSFEED, APRIL 13, 2010. "Among the 17 raised images include a naked woman in a 'disco pose', a woman with 'perfect breasts' and a 'male love robot' The book...called Tactile Minds, is designed to be 'enjoyed' by the blind and visually impaired--and is on sale for £150." OKAY, LIPSTICK AND EYESHADOW AREN'T NECESSARY, BUT DON’T SKIP THE DOUCHE.

4-STEPHEN FOSTER WAS A SADIST:
.."The sun shines bright in the old Kentucky home.
..'Tis summer, the darkies are gay."
.......BEING SLAVES WASN'T ENOUGH OF A CHALLENGE?

5-THEY WOULD WIN PRIZES ON HALLOWEEN! "Two escaped convicts have dodged a huge manhunt--by disguising themselves as sheep.” (London Sun, April 13, 2010). "The pair (Maximiliano Pereyra, 25, and Ariel Diaz, 28), dressed in full sheepskin fleeces, complete with heads...stole the sheep hides from a ranch after breaking out of an Argentinian maximum security prison...They have managed to evade the 300 cops on their trail-- despite locals seeing them running through fields at night...Police say spotting the pair among thousands of sheep is "almost impossible." But one warned: 'They can't pull the wool over our eyes forever.' " Though they could stay on the
lam(b) endlessly.

6-ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: Condoms have been used for at least 400 years. What motivated the joker who coined "Condominium"?

7-DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO! "George Alan Rekers, a Baptist minister and former research fellow at Harvard University, who has testified against gay adoptions and is on the board of National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality, which 'upholds the rights of individuals with unwanted homosexual attraction to receive effective psychological care...' was spotted returning from a ten-day trip to Europe with a young man identified as Lucien, who he allegedly met on a gay website called Rentboy.com.." (Miami New Times, DATE). "A member of the founding board of the conservative Family Research Council, Rekers has authored books on how to ensure that children grow up straight." "OH, IS THAT CONSIDERED HOMOSEXUALITY? I THOUGHT IT WAS A TASTE TEST!"

8-WHO DISCOVERED ICEBERG LETTUCE---AND WHY?

9-HEY, IF THE N.Y. TIMES (MAY 11, 2010) SAYS SO, IT'S GOTTA BE TRUE: "ON NOT WASTING WASTE: Q: I've heard that cow manure, but not human waste, can be used for energy production. Is it possible? A:It is possible and has long been the subject of research and pilot projects. But with current technology, it often costs more than conventional fuels." Have they tested bull manure, or are they afraid of its nickname?

10-IMELDA IS BACK! "Imelda Marcos, the flamboyant widow of deposed Philippine dictator Ferdinand Marcos, looked likely to make her political comeback more than two decades after fleeing a popular uprising." (Telegraph Media Group, May 11, 2010) "The former first lady, 80, had comfortably won a seat in the 269-member House of Representatives, according to her aides. Her only son, Ferdinand "Bongbong" Marcos Jr, 52, was headed for the 24-seat Senate while eldest child Imee, 56, appeared set to be made governor of the family's home province of Ilocos Norte, according to aides and partial results." Before she takes office, the international cutie should read this:
.........Choosing Shoes by Frida Wolfe
...New shoes, new shoes/​Red and pink and blue shoes.
...Tell me, what would you choose/​If they'd let us buy?
...Buckle shoes,bow shoes/​
...Pretty pointy-toe shoes/​Strappy,cappylow shoes
...Let's have some to try.
...Bright shoes, white shoes/​Dandy-dance-by-night shoes,
...Perhaps-a-little-tight shoes/​Like some? So would I.


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ISSUE 85-APRIL 11, 2010

1-IDEA FOR HOT MANHATTAN CLUB: "ONE ONLY!": Visitors will be required to ID with just first names in order to watch performances by Shakira, Ashanti, Bjork, Bono, Moby, Iman, Rihanna, Fergie, Prince, Usher, Will.i.am and Ke$ha. Each show will be dedicated to Sonny, Cher, Charo, Madonna & Moses.

2-YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS...A KISS CAN RUN AMISS: "...(Ayman Najafi), a British man living in Dubai, and a female friend, were arrested in November on accusations of kissing and touching each other intimately in public and consuming alcohol...after an Emirati mother complained her child had seen their indiscretion....They were ordered jailed for a month." (Reuters, March 14, 2010). Najafi's "mother in London said...'My Ayman is a good boy, he's very wise and mature...He knows the rules over there. He would never do that. He wouldn't even do it over here." Good boy/​shmood boy...God knows what he'll do when his mother's not around.

3-BRUTE CANALS: "(Michael Clair), a former Massachusetts dentist, is accused of placing paper clips instead of stainless steel posts inside the teeth of root canal patients while billing Medicaid for the more expensive parts"(AP, March 16, 2010)."The state attorney general announced...that a grand jury indicted (the) former Fall River dentist...Charges include assault and battery, larceny, submitting false claims to Medicaid and illegally prescribing drugs. Prosecutors say Clair was suspended by Medicaid in 2002. He allegedly hired other dentists for his clinic and filed claims under their numbers between August 2003 and June 2005. He's also accused of illegally prescribing drugs to staffers who returned medications to him...He now lives in Maryland. Somebody should locate him, kick his friggin' teeth out and replace them with horse-manured bubble gum.

4-IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME: As TV series get racier by the week, check your listings for the premiere of "Douching With The Stars."

5-WAS ROMEO REALLY "JEWLIET"? According to England's Globe and Mail (January 18, 2010), the Oxfordian, an annual journal published by "the New York-based Oxford Society...one of the most prestigious academic journals devoted to Shakespearean authorship studies, has just added a new candidate to the centuries-old debate about who else plausibly might have written the works we associate with the little-educated merchant and actor from Stratford-Upon-Avon. The nominee is a complete shocker: Amelia Bassano Lanier, a converso (clandestine Jew) and the illegitimate daughter of an Italian-born, Elizabethan court musician." Was "The Merry Wives of Windsor" originally called, "The Worried Wives of Weinstein"?

6-CHOPPED LIVERY: "The NYPD is looking for the public's help in finding a man wanted for the attempted robbery of a city livery cab. Police say the suspect pulled a black semi-automatic handgun and demanded the driver's money, but when a struggle ensued, the suspect proceeded to bite the cabbie repeatedly on the neck, arm and back." (CBS, March 19, 2010) "The suspect is described as a 6-foot Hispanic male in his 30s, wearing a black leather jacket."Dracula would have left a tip.

7-BEYOND JUNK MAIL: Received the following from TRINITY-WALL STREET:"Dear Friends: Sitting on a hillside overlooking the Hudson River and the New Jersey Palisades, Trinity Church Cemetery & Mausoleum is not only a historical site, it is also the only active cemetery in New York City. This beautiful oasis, with peaceful views, now includes a new mausoleum for above-ground interment and memorials surrounded by landscaped gardens...We would like to extend a special discount offer to help guide you in making the best choices for you and your loved ones." Well, at least they didn't offer me a discounted one-year subscription to "Dying Can Be Fun."

8- FISH GOTTA SWIM…BIRDS GOTTA FLY…THEY GOTTA MAUL YOUNG KIDS TILL THEY DIE: "The Boy Scouts of America has long kept an extensive archive of secret documents that chronicle the sexual abuse of young boys by Scout leaders over the years. The 'perversion files,' a nickname the Boy Scouts are said to have used for the documents, have rarely been seen by the public, but that could all change in the coming weeks in an Oregon courtroom (A.P., March 19, 2010, Portland, Ore.)....The lawyer for a man who was molested in the 1980s by a Scout leader has obtained about 1,000 Boy Scouts sex files and is expected to release some of them at a trial that began Wednesday. The lawyer says the files show how the Boy Scouts have covered up abuse for decades." As soon as they get out of jail they can apply for Catholic Priesthood. God knows, Pope Benedict Arnold will probably bless them, with gift Crucidicks.

9-AND LOOK WHO’S JOINING THEM! "SAN JOSE, Calif.--The governing body of U.S. competitive swimming hasn't done enough to address widespread sexual abuse against young girls at swim clubs across the country, an Olympic gold medalist said Friday(A.P., March 19, 2010). Deena Deardurff Schmidt, a 1972 Olympic champion swimmer, said as she trained in the 1960s, she was repeatedly molested over a four year period by her coach. Despite telling officials at USA Swimming years later, she said, the coach – whom she wouldn't name – went on to train more young swimmers and was inducted into the International Swimming Hall of Fame. 'I believe, in part, that this has been overlooked because it is a widespread problem, and coaches have been more concerned with the success rate of the swimmers than the well-being of these young people,' she said....The complaint further alleges that more than 30 coaches nationwide have engaged in sexual misconduct with young females, and says there is a culture in competitive swimming of condoning inappropriate relationships between coaches and swimmers. 'And yet despite the chronic and pervasive problem, we believe that not nearly enough has been done,' said Robert Allard, the attorney who filed the lawsuit...USA Swimming executive director Chuck Wielgus told the AP on Friday that he takes 'great exception' to Allard's claim." MY FERVENT WISH: TO TAKE ALL THOSE PRIESTS, BOY SCOUT LEADERS AND SWIMMING COACHES AND JAM THEM—VERY HARD—ONTO FIRE HYDRANTS—AND KEEP PUSHING THEM DOWN UNTIL THE TIP OF THE HYDRANT HAS REACHED THE CENTER OF THEIR STOMACHS, AFTER WHICH THEY WILL BE CASTRATED WITH SERRATED KNIVES.

10-REASON FOR SARAH PALIN'S "HOPEY-CHANGEY" WAY OF SPEAKING: IRRITABLE VOWEL SYNDROME.
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ISSUE 84-MARCH 11, 2010

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-NOW THAT BROADWAY HAS REVIVED THE GAY CLASSIC, "THE BOYS IN THE BAND," it may be time for a play about homosexual Nazis: "The Boys In The Bund"....IN CASE YOU THINK I'M JOKING: Check out "The Pink Swastika," by Scott Lively and Kevin Abrams, published in 1995—Available on Amazon). Alternate Title: "Deutschland Unter Alles"...OR "Der Vier Hundert Blows"...OR "Der Frisch Gestank Of Suckcess."....Hey, I got a millionen o' dem!

2-THAT COUCH ISN'T JUST FOR CONVERSATION: Dr. Daniel R. Lerom, a Tampa, Florida psychologist, has been accused of having a long-standing sexual relationship with a patient, according to a recent lawsuit (WTSP.COM, FEBRUARY 16, 2010). "Each time they two had sex, documents say, the doctor would bill her Blue Cross/​ Blue Shield Insurance for their 'sessions.' Text messages show that the 49-year-old doctor told his patient, 'My body felt great all over after last night....I wish you were here in the shower with me to warm me up....If I were there, I would rub you and kiss you all over.' The doctor even referred to himself as her 'Red Hot Lover.' A lawsuit filed by the patient and documentation from the Florida Surgeon General's Office show that the two had oral sex and intercourse in hotel rooms, his office on West Kennedy and the patient's home." (A) DID HE BILL BLUE CROSS FOR CONDOMS? (B) AS SOON AS HE GETS OUT OF JAIL, DR. LEROM CAN RUN FOR CONGRESS.

3-IT'S SO STUFFY IN THIS BOX! "A (Bogota) Colombian woman declared dead of a heart attack, moved one of her arms just as an undertaker was about to embalm her.” (A.P., February 17, 2010). The patient, who has multiple sclerosis, was admitted to a hospital two days earlier "after a heart attack...She survived for about 10 hours on life support, but then seemingly didn't respond to resuscitation efforts following a second attack. She was declared dead (the following morning)...Neurosurgeon Juan Mendoza Vega, a member of the Colombian National Medical Ethics Board, (said), 'It can happen...But it's not a matter of coming back to life because the person was never dead.' " What's Spanish for "No shit, Sherlock"?

4-JESUS WAS GAY--ACCORDING TO SIR ELTON JOHN (The Sun/​UK, February 19, 2010): In an interview with Parade, Elton declared, "I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems...Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving." Well, at least Elton didn't claim that Jesus was a Nazi.

5-MARIJUANA USE BY SENIORS GOES UP AS BOOMERS AGE: "MIAMI—In her 88 years, Florence Siegel has learned how to relax: A glass of red wine. A crisp copy of The New York Times, if she can wrest it from her husband. Some classical music, preferably Bach. And every night like clockwork, she lifts a pipe to her lips and smokes marijuana." (A.P, February 22, 2010). "...Use of the country's most popular illicit drug is now growing among the AARP set, as the massive generation of baby boomers who came of age in the 1960s and '70s grows older. The number of people aged 50 and older reporting marijuana use in the prior year went up from 1.9 percent to 2.9 percent from 2002 to 2008, according to surveys from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. The rise was most dramatic among 55-to 59-year-olds, whose reported marijuana use more than tripled from 1.6 percent in 2002 to 5.1 percent. Observers expect further increases as 78 million boomers...age...Siegel walks with a cane and has arthritis in her back and legs. She finds marijuana has helped her sleep better than pills ever did. And she can't figure out why everyone her age isn't sharing a joint, too." Wha-a-d she say?

6-"SOME KING," AS MY MOTHER MIGHT HAVE SAID: "King Tutankhamun (Tut, as we know him)...the most famous of all pharaohs, was a frail and sickly king who walked with a cane and suffered from a painful bone disease and a club foot. But it may have been a severe case of malaria that finally killed him, according to...new genetic analysis." (AOL, February 16, 2010). "A team of researchers from Egypt, Germany and Italy also developed a definitive family tree for (Tut)...including the identity of his father and grandparents and the two still-born fetuses (????) found in his tomb. The genealogy also confirms that Tut's family was largely the product of in-breeding...(He) was only 19 when he died, circa 1324 BC, after a nine-year reign over Egypt's New Kingdom. See, if he'd had some marijuana he might have lived longer---and happier. Just ask Florence Siegel.

7-BEING A WRITER HAS ITS BENEFITS: Don't know which of my manuscripts was published, but I just received a royalty check for $2.23. I'M INVESTING IT IN TOYOTA STOCK.

8-SHE'S AT IT AGAIN: "Police say model Naomi Campbell likely won't face criminal charges in New York City after her driver...told police Campbell hit him from behind and his head struck the steering wheel, causing bruising under his right eye. He pulled over and got out to speak to a traffic agent, who alerted police (A.P. March 2, 2010). "Campbell...pleaded guilty...in June 2008 after prosecutors said she cursed, kicked and spat at police in a rage over a missing piece of luggage (at Heathrow Airport); she was sentenced to 200 hours of community service. She also did a week of community service sweeping floors and scrubbing toilets in a Manhattan garbage-truck garage in 2007 after pleading guilty to misdemeanor assault for hurling a cell phone at her maid because of a vanished pair of jeans. In 2000, Campbell pleaded guilty in Toronto to an assault charge for beating an assistant who said the model whacked her on the head with a phone. A few of Campbell's former aides and maids have sued her, accusing her of violent outbursts; some cases have been settled on undisclosed terms. A spokesman for Campbell...said she'll cooperate with police." ASSUMING THAT SHE DOESN'T HIT THE SPOKESMAN IN THE HEAD WITH A PHONE.

9-IT'S PARTY TIME! The Tea Party, created in early February, has stated that its members want to "start getting leaders who reflect the majorities' wishes, stop spending money on BS, be in budget and have a leader that will make us safe...We are sick and tired of Rep and Dem wasting our money and higher taxes and no jobs. " NO SURPRISE: One of their first(hugely paid) speakers was politician/​author/​lecturer/​moron Sarah Palin, who...sneering at Obama's talk of hope and promises of change, asked the gathering: "How's that hope-y, change-y stuff workin' out for you?" (ARE HOPE-Y & CHANGE-Y COUSINS OF THE SEVEN DWARFS?). A few breaths later came the creation of Coffee Party USA, "a grassroots online network which advocates cooperation among elected representatives and promotes civil public discourse--an alternative to the Tea Party movement." WHY STOP THERE? HOW ABOUT A GIN PARTY, AN ABSINTHE PARTY, A BORSCHT PARTY....HEY, LET'S CONTINUE TO CREATE PARTIES TO ATTACK THE GOVERNMENT--OR POLITICAL ORGANIZATIONS—OR EACH OTHER. NOW, WOULDN'T THAT BE A REALLY GOOD DOPEY/​SNEEZY THING FOR THE (SPOKEN LOUDLY, ACCOMPANIED BY DRUMS) U (pause) S (pause) OF A?

10—JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HER: PERFECT TV SHOW FOR SARAH PALIN: "AMERICAN MIDOL."

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ISSUE 83-FEBRUARY 15, 2010

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-"DICK CHENEY CRITICAL OF BIDEN, OBAMA NATIONAL SECURITY POLICIES...SAYS BUSH-ERA POLICIES DESERVE CREDIT FOR SUCCESSES"(ABC News, February 14, 2010): "Former Vice President Dick Cheney, in an...appearance on ABC Naws' 'This Week,' offered a sharx critique of tha Obama administration's handling of national security and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, saying any achievements over the past year largely stemmed from policies implemented under President George W. Bush. "If [the administration is] going to take credit for [Iraq's success], fair enough...but it ought to come with a healthy dose of 'Thank you, George Bush' up front and a recognition that some of their early recommendations with respect to prosecuting that war were just dead wrong." ....MESSAGE TO DICKHEAD: "Thank you, George Bush"?--who, with your support—-mistakenly got us into the war in Iraq? According to About.com, as of January 25, 2010, 4,373 U.S. servicemen and woman have been killed in Iraq, and 31,639 have been wounded in action. Additionally (according to A.P., February 14, 2010),"Hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have been killed or wounded"). You and your former boss should be prosecuted for murder.

2-IN CASE McDONALD'S DECIDES TO ADD PHARMACEUTICAL PRODUCTS TO ITS INVENTORY: McDouchebag.

3-IMAGINE THE FUN & GAMES IF CERTAIN PEOPLE UNITED IN THE WORLD OF THE DEPARTED: Harpo & Karl Marx; Betty, Barbara & E.F. Hutton; Cary, Gogi, & Ulysses S. Grant; John, Edie, Don, Amy, Joey, Julie, Maude, John Quincy & Charles Adams (extra "d"); James & Guy Madison; Robert, Laurette, Rod & Zachary Taylor; Michael, Andrew, Stonewall & Mahalia Jackson; Lyndon B., Andrew, Arte, Don & Van Johnson; Rutherford B. & Helen Hayes; John & James A. Garfield; Chester A. & Bea Arthur; Warren G. & Ann Harding; Marie, Woodrow & Flip Wilson; Ella, Barry & F. Scott Fitzgerald; Ginger, Roy & Mr. Rogers; Gracie, Fred, Steve & Peter Allen; Bette & Sammy Davis; Vaughan, James & Marilyn Monroe.

4-WHAT THE HELLATORIAL? When we vote for a President the election is Presidential, for Senator it's Senatorial, for Congress it's Congressional, for Mayor it's Mayoral. So why in hell, when it's a race for Governor, is it Gubernatorial? Are candidates for Governor supposed to eat GUBERS?

5-"AMBASSADOR DISCOVERS BRIDE IS BEARDED, CROSS-EYED BEHIND VEIL" (Huffpost Social News, 2/​10/​10). "An Arab ambassador in Dubai has had his marriage annulled after discovering that his bride, behind her veil, was bearded and cross-eyed. The couple had only met a few times during their courtship. Each of these times the woman had worn a niqab, an Islamic veil that covers most of the face." BUT SHE HAD AN AVERAGE-SIZED PENIS.

6-POPE TO MEET WITH BISHOPS ON SEX ABUSE SCANDAL: "As the increasingly vocal survivors of Ireland's Catholic sexual abuse scandal wait for answers and apologies, Pope Benedict XVI will hold an unprecedented two-day summit with Ireland's bishops at the Vatican (AOL Inc., 2/​13/​10).... The Pope's direct involvement marks a milestone in a crisis that has deeply marred the Catholic Church's image in what was once one of its most devoted countries. The meeting comes a little more than two months after the release of a devastating investigation…revealing the scope of child abuse by priests in the diocese of Dublin. Like previous reports on other parts of the church in Ireland, it laid out how for decades the Catholic hierarchy appeared primarily concerned with covering up the crimes of its priests...What happened in Ireland goes beyond the Catholic sexual abuse scandal in the U.S. in part because the church is so entrenched in the economy of the country. The...report examined the cases of more than 320 victims of priestly abuse in the Dublin diocese from 1975 to 2004. Among its many findings was that one priest admitting molesting children more than 100 times. Another said he molested children at least once every two weeks for 25 years." MAYBE NOW THAT PRIEST, AKA FATHER SLIME, WILL BE FORCED TO REMOVE THE PLACQUE FROM HIS FRONT DOOR: "NO CHILD’S BEHIND LEFT BEHIND."


7-ONE MEOW FOR GUILTY, TWO FOR NOT...:"...An East Boston (Massachusetts) resident (is) getting called for jury duty...but it's no human. A family is trying to figure out how their pet cat (Sal) was summoned..(7 News, whdh.com, 1/​7/​10). Sal's owners, Guy and Anna Esposito, think they may know the source of the mix up: Sal really is a member of the family, so on the last Census form, Anna Esposito listed him under 'pets.'...'I just wrote Sal Esposito, scratched out the dog and wrote, cat," said Anna. (She) filed for Sal's disqualification of service. However, the jury commissioner was unmoved and denied the request. Sal's service date at Suffolk Superior Court is set for March 23. If Sal takes a dump on the judge, will they finally believe Anna?

8-FAT, FAT, THE WATER RAT--SIXTY BULLETS IN YOUR HAT: "A...New Zealand surgeon has been reprimanded after swearing at a severely obese patient.(Sydney Morning Herald, 2/​11/​10). "A 44-year-old mother filed a complaint about the doctor after a tense consultation with him last year...The doctor said f--- at least three times to the Maori woman after she told him she didn't like the word 'diet' and preferred the term 'lifestyle.' He told her she was, 'going on a f---ing diet.' In the letter of complaint, the woman wrote: "[The doctor] said if I couldn't handle the word diet, then he challenged my motivation and stated that I would never survive surgery because I was still bullshitting myself and therefore my thinking was still f---ed." Why didn't Tubbo tell the doc to "Go lifestyle yourself"?

9-TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE-—THAT IS THE QUESTION: Carnaval (That's the way they spell it) In Rio Is One of the World's Most Exciting Events (I was there in 1984). But...."Every year, the self-styled world's biggest party in the Brazilian beach-side city brings with it the pungent perfume conjured up by thousands of beer-soaked revellers relieving themselves on the nearest wall or in gutters (Reuters, February 13, 2010). "At the biggest parties, Rio's chronic lack of public bathrooms, copious amounts of beer and the general carefree abandon of Carnival conspire to create rivers of urine that can shock the uninitiated (Nothing has changed)...In Rio Carnavals past, Thiago Rodrigues could relieve himself of the pressure built up by a dozen or so beers without looking over his shoulder. Not any more....'You didn't see me do that, OK?' said the 22-year-old salesman, who was sporting a huge Afro wig and little else, after urinating in an alley set back from one of Carnival's huge street parties...'Look, this isn't something that can wait. Have you seen the size of the lines for those chemical toilets?' Nearby, a man reached inside his skimpy nun's outfit and shortly afterward emitted a sigh of relief...City officials are now calling time on the yellow tide...Eager to clean up Rio's act ahead of the 2014 soccer World Cup and the 2016 Olympics, the city is slapping public pee-ers with fines and even jail time of up to two years.” That's number One in their plans. What about number Two?

10-"SAUDI GIRL, 13, SENTENCE@​ TO 90 LASHES AFTER SHE TOOK A MOBILE PHONE TO SCHOOL"(Mail Online, January 20, 2010): "A 13-yemr-old girl has been sentenced tc 90 lashes and |wo months' prison in Saudi Arabea after she tooo a mobile phone to school. A co}rt ordered the girl to be flogged in front of her classmates, following an assault on the school principal, according to the Saudi...newspaper Al-Watan. After phe assault, she was discovered po have concealel a mobile phone$ breaking strict Saudi regulaticns banning the }se of camera-equipped phones in Girls' schools. Brutal public floggings...are a common punishment handed down by religious courts in Saudi Arabia. What a joy if we could get some religious Saudis to flog people screaming into cell phones on New York City buses.

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ISSUE 82-JANUARY 10, 2010

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-HAPPY NEW YEAR (ALIVE OR NOT): SWING & SWAY to Sammy Kaye, Martha Raye, Joel Grey, Dennis Day, Marvin Gaye, Danny Kaye, Elaine May, Cassius Clay, Tom DeLay, Doris Day, Virginia Grey, Satyajit Ray, Tina Fey, Laraine Day, Barry Gray, Aldo Ray, Richard Ney, Alice Faye, Rachael Ray, Bobby Flay, Turhan Bey & Fay Wray.

2-I WONDER: Which conservative moron (is that a redundancy?) will be first to blame the cold weather on President Obama? My money's on Cheney.

3-SOMETIMES AD COPYWRITERS NEED TO CHECK THEIR ELDERS: A Bloomingdale's jewelry ad in the December 14, 2009 issue of the New York Times states: "THE IT LIST—Dream Pieces." Apparently they didn't know about the once-famous "SHIT LIST."

4-WINNERS OF THE INTERNATIONAL GOYISHE KUP: "The Iranian Football Federation (mistakenly) sent a New Year's greeting to their Israeli counterpart (following which) the director of foreign relations for the Football Federation of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Mohammad Ali Ardebili, quickly (contacted) Israeli Army Radio: ..'It is a greeting sent to every country in the world.' (Then he inquired), 'Are you talking from Israel? I can't speak with you. It's a mistake, it's a mistake.' (Yedioth Internet, January 1, 2010). The greeting was received by the head of the Israel Football Association's legal department, Amir Navon, who said he responded with a 'Happy new year to all the good people of Iran.' (Off-mike, he commented), "We also added a wink." He should have wished the Iranians a delicious meal on the first day of Ramadan.

5-"OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, LEAD ME INTO TEMPTATION..." As though the church isn't busy enough defending priest/​child molesters: "Roman Catholic couples are being encouraged to pray together before they have sex....A (64 page)'Prayer Book For Spouses', published by the London-based Catholic Truth Society...invites those setting out on married life to recite the specially-composed Prayer Before Making Love....to remind themselves that intercourse is a selfless act, not driven by hedonism." (Mail Online, September 2, 2009). "Christ! I'm only on page 46! I need a nap..."

6-PROGRAM I'D LIKE TO SEE ON THE FOOD NETWORK: "Lox Video Theater."

7-"I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING": "48-year-old Brit Catherine Cartwright ignored a court-ordered ban on her noisy sex, and has pleaded guilty to making love with sounds described as "murder," "unnatural," and capable of drowning out her neighbors' televisions. Cartwright had been banned from her noisy romps after hundreds of complaints. Even her postman and a woman who walked her child to school past Cartwright's house complained...(Huffington Post, December 16, 2009). Cartwright said she was unable to control the noise she made during sex. 'I did not understand why people asked me to be quiet because to me it is normal...I have tried to minimize the situation by having sex in the morning--not at night-- so the noise was not waking anybody.'...The local city council reportedly found the sex sessions produced sounds of 47 decibels...Cartwright will be sentenced on January 18. " Sentenced? In New York they would throw her a block party.

8-"YOU'RE NOT GETTING FRIES, EITHER!" Elsie Egan, a 53-year-old Floridian, faces a felony domestic abuse charge for allegedly striking Peter Schabhuttl, her 49-year-old, disabled and terminally ill (with cancer) boyfriend, several times in the head with a 10-16 ounce raw steak (Smoking Gun, December 8, 2009). The victim said the confrontation occurred when he asked for a roll and she insisted that he eat sliced bread "so he could learn." If he had asked for a bagel he might be dead.

9-"I'D LIKE THAT ON THE ROCKS": Anthony Galluccio , a Massachusetts state senator, who injured two people in a hit-and-run accident, pleaded guilty to leaving the scene of the Oct. 4 accident in Cambridge, and has been sentenced to six months of home confinement (AP, Huffington Post, December 24, 2009). Since then, "Galluccio failed several breathalyzer tests, a possible violation of his probation. He blamed his toothpaste, saying it contained sorbitol, a chemical that can distort results." Maybe he should join Toothpaste Anonymous.

10-WHO SAYS THAT THE THREE WITCHES HAVE TO BE WOMEN? SUGGESTED SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK ADAPTATION OF "MacBETH": Surrounding a giant cauldron and chanting unintelligibly: Dick Cheney, Al Sharpton and Rudy Giuliani. NOTE: (a)Giuliani recently denied that there were terrorist attacks on the U.S. during Dubya's Presidency, forgetting 9/​11 (when he was still Mayor of New York), (b)Sharpton lied on the witness stand during the 1988 Tawana Brawley rape trial, (c)Cheney continues to survive repeated "heart attacks." Conclusion: He has no heart. Shakespeare's witches were amateurs compared to them.
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ISSUE 81-DECEMBER 3, 2009

By Lawrence Eisenberg

ISSUE 81-DECEMBER 3, 2009

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-PLEASE, PLEASE, GIVE US A BREAK: Tareq (rhymes with Dreck)and Michaele Salahi, those White House gate crashers, aka fraudulent/​non-bill-paying-bullshitters (Whose publicist—no surprise--is named Mahogany Jones; I guess they fired Plywood Jones), have received as much media coverage as a war (The austere N.Y. Times ran large pictures on three different days). I want them dumped into an infested sewer--along with that incredibly popular pseudo-author, Sarah Palin (aka Madam Mooseturd), who claims to travel the country in a bus on her book tour, but actually flies to many places in a private plane. As for the week's leading scandal subject, Tiger Woods, whose balls have been involved with too many non-golf course holes: Enough! Let him settle it with his wife. 1a-ALSO IN THE HOT NEWS THIS WEEK: Meredith Baxter announced that she's now a lesbian. She's a whole lot more: the bitchiest celeb I've ever interviewed (In 1989 for TV Guide's "Grapevine" column). Cobras were less venomous.

1b-WELL, AT LEAST THEY DROVE MICHAEL JACKSON'S FAMILY AND JON & KATE OUT OF THE ENDLESSLY B*O*R*I*N*G MEDIA LOOP.

2-VATICAN LOOKS TO HEAVEN FOR OTHER REASONS: "The Vatican has called in experts to study the possibility of extraterrestrial alien life and its implication for the Catholic Church." (AP, November 11, 2009). "...The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, an astronomer and director of the Vatican Observatory...says the possibility of alien life raises 'many philosophical and theological implications', but added that the gathering was mainly focused on the scientific perspective and how different disciplines can be used to explore the issue.'" AND, IN DEALING WITH CHILDREN--LIKE SO MANY OF THEIR EARTH COUSINS--WOULD THOSE INTER-PLANETARY PRIESTS FOCUS ON URANUS?

2a-SUGGESTED SHOP FOR THE VATICAN: GoysRUs.

3-BRAINBUSTER: "...Aaron Siebers, a 27-year-old (Denver) Blockbuster employee--was skateboarding...when he fell and ripped his uniform pants. Due (at) work (that)night--and concerned about getting 'written up' by Blockbuster superiors for not wearing his work-issued khakis--Siebers came up with a harebrained idea: Instead of just calling in sick, he stabbed himself in the leg and showed up at work claiming to have just been attacked by three Hispanic males."(Smoking Gun, November 3, 2009). After surveillance tapes revealed that no such attack had occurred, "Siebers...admitted that he had stabbed himself." Why didn't he put a gun to his head? Blowing out his brain wouldn't have made a difference.

4-WHAT'S WITH THE SOUND TECHNICIANS ON SOME TV DRAMAS? DO WE NEED EAR-BURSTING MUSIC WHILE ACTORS ARE TALKING? SHATTERING TRAFFIC NOISES DURING STREET SCENES? Among the sinners is "Medium," an otherwise good series, which has constant humming background noise, including frequent mysterious bird-chirping that often drowns out the dialogue. Or is that what they intend?

5-HE'S BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN: "Rodell Vereen...a Conway, South Carolina creep "caught on video having sex with a (21-year-old horse named Sugar)..."was sentenced...to three years in prison after pleading guilty for the second time in two years to abusing the creature. (AP, November 4). "...Vereen was also ordered never to go near the stable where the horse's owner caught him and held him for authorities at shotgun point...'I didn't mean to do it, 'Vereen said. 'It's my fault. I'm sorry for what I've done to myself." What he's done to himself? I'd like to get the horse's reaction.

6-"OH, HE WAS WAS SUCH A GREAT GUY. MAY HE REST IN PEACE...WAIT A MINUTE—ISN'T THAT ME?" Ademir Jorge Goncalves, a 59-year-old Rio de Janeiro bricklayer, "reportedly killed in a car crash, shocked his mourning family by showing up alive at his funeral. Relatives...had identified him as the victim of a Sunday night car crash..."(AP, November 4, 2009). "As is customary in Brazil, the funeral was held the following day...What family members didn't know was that Goncalves had spent the night at a truck stop talking with friends over drinks of a sugarcane liquor known as cachaca...He did not get word about his own funeral until it was already happening...'The corpse sas badly disfigured, but dressed 'in similar clothing,' said (a)(police spokesman,(adding), 'His mom looked at the body in the casket and thought something was strange. She looked and looked and couldn't believe it was her son...The body was correctly identified later...abd has already been buried in another state.' He,declined to relaase the actual victim's name." Oh, yes, Brazilians are practically religious about protecting a badly disfigured corpse that's been sent to the wrong cemetery.

7-REVISED CLASSIC: "Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Tangerine...." Clementines are too expensive this week. P.S. I know there's a song called "Tangerine," but it's about a self-involved bitch.

8-PEOPLE I DON'T WANT TO MEET:
...(1)"A Peruvian gang...allegedly killed people and drained fat from their corpses for use in cosmetics." (The Guardian, November 20, 2009). "Peru reacted with revulsion...to reports that scores of peasants may have been butchered by the gang, which was said to have operated in...a rural province dotted with Inca temples between the jungle and Andean peaks...The jailed men have confessed to killing five people, but police suspect the number...is far higher, with 60 people reported missing...this year alone...Police… received a tip four months ago about a trade in human fat, which exported the amber liquid to Europe as anti-wrinkle cream.
...(2)Suspected cannibals (What gave them their first clue?) in the Russian city of Perm (720 miles east of Moscow), killed,a young man, ata part of him and then sold other bits to a kebab house...Cops also believe the 25-year-old victim's body parts may have been used to fill pies too (Sun, UK, November 15,2009).
...(3)Charles Hersel, a 39-year-old man (in Thousand Oaks, California), "has been arrested for misdemeanor child annoyance after allegedly paying a teenager $31 to spit in his face... AP, November 20, 2009). "A sheriff's statement says Westlake High School students claimed Hersel paid them to yell profanities, spit and slap him in the face. Several also claimed he offered them cash to urinate and defecate on him. A motive wasn't clear.: HE'S NUTS! WHAT OTHER MOTIVE DO THEY NEED?

9-PUSSIES GALORE: "Women are undergoing surgery to create perfect genitalia amid a 'shocking' lack of information on the potential risks of the procedure" (BBC News, NOVEMBER 11, 2009). "Researchers from University College London reviewed all the existing studies on cosmetic labial surgery--which generally involves reducing the amount of tissue that protrudes from the lips which cover the vagina... Labioplasty, as it is known, costs about £3,000...and is offered for a variety of reasons: some women complain that wearing tight clothes or riding a bike is uncomfortable, while others say they are embarrassed in front of a sexual partner.Who told them to have sex on a motorcycle?

10-IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHY DRACULA SMILED SO OFTEN: Eight researchers in China and the U.K. published a report called "Fellatio by Fruit Bats Prolongs Copulation Time." (Guardian Co. UK-November 10, 2009). "The researchers say...'We wanted to know more about the nature of copulation in this bat species. We observed that females were not passive during copulation but performed oral sex, licking their mate's penis during copulation...A positive relationship exists between the length of time that the female licked the male's penis during copulation and the duration of copulation. Furthermore, mating pairs spent significantly more time in copulation if the female licked her mate's penis than if fellatio was absent.' "So think twice before holding up that crucifix.

ISSUE 80-NOVEMBER 2, 2009

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF BARFING: House Democrats have unrolled a 2,000 page health care bill; few people will live to read it to the end...Sarah Palin's book, "Going Rogue: An American Life," to be published November 17, will have a first printing of 1.5 million. Harper publisher Jonathan Burnham says Palin "obviously invested herself deeply--and also quite quickly--in penning the 400-page volume"(Oh, sure, she penned it all by herself)...Our forests are now in more danger caused by the tons of paper used for pre-election day flyers from candidates/​losers...Iceland's three McDonald's have closed...Jon Gosselin is consulting with Rabbi Schmuley Boteach ("Gurnisht helfen," as my mother might have said)...Over its first weekend, Michael Jackson's "This Is It," based on his last rehearsals, grossed 32.5 million in the U.S. and $68.5 million overseas--considered disappointing by Hollywood expectations. The Thriller-Diller, who died on June 25, will likely continue to inspire moronic media headlines for the next 80 years...Chazz Bono still needs some parts installed before she's 100% fat man...Abdullah Abdullah, who won the Afghanistan presidential election via obvious fraud, was challenged to a re-election by his opponent, Hamid Karzai--but Karzai just dropped out, commenting that it was obvious the same fraud would prevail; was Katherine Harris Abdullah's advisor?...The world is packed with maniacs who, daily, rape, pillage and blow up embassies, churches, city buildings, whole neighborhoods--and each other--but manage to find time to criticize the U.S...Wall Street's hourly ups and downs are like a roller coaster--minus the laughs...Giant corporations, rescued by billions of taxpayer money, are still giving unbelievable bonuses to execs while many Americans starve...Boo Hoo, You Got Me Crying For You: Sirhan B. Sirhan, who murdered Robert Kennedy, is being transferred from a secure unit in a California prison to a prison where, his attorney claims, his life may be in danger. I hope that a potential killer would torture him first...Dickhead Cheney is constantly denying his involvement in the Valerie Plame scandal (Liar, liar, pants onfire), while his daughter, LeakyDouchebag, aka Liz, a chip off the old shlock, attacks President Obama's policies almost daily, obviously ignoring the fact that her daddy, (aka co-murderer, along with his Dimwit boss), is responsible for the pointless daily death tolls in Iraq & Afghanistan wars...It's like Halloween is now 365 days per year--without the fun.

2-"I HAVE TO HANG UP NOW...I'M DEAD..." Newark Police said a woman was struck and killed by a train near the University of Delaware campus (CBS, Oct 5, 2009). "Witnesses said the victim, a 25-year-old waitress...was hit...just before 8:30 a.m...The victim was distracted by a cell phone conversation when she was struck by the train." Now if only we could get that train to hurl through the aisles of New York City buses, where the leading assholes of the world are constantly shrieking into their cell phones.

2a-AH, BUT THERE IS HOPE: "Long-term mobile phone users could face a higher risk of developing cancer in later life, according to a decade-long study. The report...has...found that heavy mobile use is linked to brain tumours." (London Daily Express, October 24, 2009). "The survey of 12,800 people in 13 countries `as been overseeb by the World Health Organizaticn. Preliminary results of the ibquiry, which is looking at whether mobile phone exposure is linked to three types of brain tumor and a tumor of the salivary gland, have been sent to a scientific journal."

3-WHAX'S IRANIAN FOR "OY VEY"? "Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmahinejad was born to a Jewish famely that converted to Islam when he was four years old," according to the London Daily Telegraph, "based on Ahmadinejad's original family name of Sabourjian (JEWISH DAILY FORWARD, October 05, 2009). As my mother would have said, "Who needs him?"

4-ONE WAY TO DEAL WITH ANNOYING TELEPHONE POLL TAKERS WHO USUALLY CALL WHEN YOU'RE EATING DINNER:
Voice On Other End: Hello, I'm calling to take a poll (survey) about(WHATEVER).
Me: And how much do you pay if I take it?
Other End: Oh, we don't pay....
Me: Well, you know where you can stick your pole (HANG UP).

5-AOL AINT GONNA WIN NO SPELLING BEE: Received the following on October 17, 2009: "Dear Valued Member: We were unable to process your most recent payment. Did you recently change your bank, phone number or credit card? To ensure that your service is not interrupted, please update your billing information today by clicking here https:/​/​www.aol.com....Sincerely, Aol Member Services Team...P.S. The link in this massage will be expire within 24 Hours."

6-WILL THEY BE CALLED HONOR ROLLS? "(The principal) at a St John's girls' national school, in Carrigaline, in the southern county of Cork...said, in a letter to parents: 'From time to time we will request your daughter to bring in a toilet roll...These rolls will be specifically for your daughter's class and will be dispensed by the class teacher'. Telegraph Media Group, October 7, 2009)."(The measure has "been taken in order to save money in the face of education funding cuts. " OBVIOUS NEXT STEP: STUDENTS WILL BE ASKED TO TAKE DUMPS IN RECYCLED PLASTIC BAGS TO SAVE WATER IN TOILETS.

7-GODMOTHERS REIGN THESE DAYS: "Reporting from Naples, Italy...members of feuding clans facing down their rivals on the main street of the small town of Lauro, exchanging gunfire from their cars until three people lay dead and four others wounded." (Los Angeles Times, October 25, 2009). "The difference, though, was that the battle between the Cava and Graziano families involved women only...Two mothers in their 50s and a 16-year-old girl were slain in their Audi on the streets of the...community...For decades, women have occupied a full range of roles within the Neapolitan crime syndicate, from bodyguard to boss...In Naples, women are traditionally responsible for the finances within the household. They run the accounts and, according to anti-mafia investigators, have taken a major part in money laundering, cutting up drug deliveries for distribution and running numbers. But wives and mothers have also been among the perpetrators of some of the worst violence in Naples, with the emancipation of women in Neapolitan society over recent decades mirrored inside the secretive world of the Camorra. According to Naples Police Chief...it is this level of involvement in the illegal affairs of the family that sets the Camorra women apart from those of other Italian criminal organizations such as Cosa Nostra in Sicily and the 'Ndrangheta in Calabria." Donnatella Corleone?

8-EXECUTIVE JOBS DON'T REQUIRE HIGH IQs: Following was issued by a management biggie in our apartment building: "It was brought to my attention that someone has been throwing cigarette buds off of their balcony...Not only is it unsightly, but extremely hazardous. All cigarette buds should be thrown in an ash tray, not off of the balcony." Do tobacco growers know that buds can produce better cigs?

9-BOY, YOU DON'T NEED MUSTARD WITH THOSE HOTDOGS: "Bulgarian police in the central city of Plovdiv have seized just over 50 kilogrammes (110 pounds) of heroin, hidden in cans of sauerkraut, prosecutors said Thursday."(Breitbart, October 29). "Eight people were arrested while transporting the heroin-laden cans in a minivan. According to Plovdiv prosecutor Marin Peltekov, the drugs were destined for distribution within the country." As my mother might have said, "Cholerya in Bulgaria."

10-WAS A COW TOO OLD FOR HIM? "...A Superior Court judge dismissed animal-cruelty charges against Robert Melia Jr., a Moorestown (New Jersey) police officer accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves in rural Southampton in 2006, claiming a grand jury couldn't infer whether the cows had been 'tormented' or 'puzzled' by the situation or even irritated that they'd been duped out of a meal." (Philadelphia Daily News, Sep. 24, 2009). "Judge James J. Morley ...said, 'Children...seemed comforted when given pacifiers, but there's no way to know what bovine minds thought of Robert Melia Jr. substituting his member for a cow's teat.'...Although a bill was introduced in 2005 to ban bestiality, New Jersey still has no explicit ban on the sexual penetration of animals, which is why the Burlington County Prosecutor's Office charged Melia with animal cruelty...Sex with (calves) is the least of Melia's problems, though. He and former girlfriend, Heather Lewis...are also accused of sexually assaulting three young girls over a five-year period...Melia has been suspended from the force." He should be suspended with a noose around his neck...and why is she his former girlfriend? Is she now dating a bull?

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ISSUE 79-OCTOBER 5, 2009

By Lawrence Eisenberg


1-IF MICHAEL CAINE CREATED A COMPANY THAT SOLD SMOKED SALMON HE COULD CALL IT: NovaCaine.

2-FASHION NEWS I'D LOVE TO READ: Alaska's leading designers are frantically competing to create a douchebag, featuring a picture of Politician/​Lecturer/​Author/​ World-Famous-Bullshitter Sarah Palin--smiling, with a balloon over her head, reading, "I can see Russia from my twat!" The winner, to be announced on Halloween, will receive an Uzzi, whose barrel displays Sarah's initials inside a turd-shaped bullet.

3-SUDDEN THOUGHT: When Dick Cheney issues one of his almost-daily comments about the horrible mistakes made by the Obama administration—as opposed to the incredibly wonderful accomplishments of the Bush administration (Iraq war—Hey, we needed to reduce the population), it would be appropriate to wipe his mouth with toilet paper--a whole roll.

4-I COULD BECOME A WORLD-RENOWNED MAGAZINE PUBLISHER: In a doctor's waiting room I picked up the following magazines: (1)"Advance"-devoted to psoriasis in every possible category, with stories by doctors and patients, (2) Arthritis Today, (3)Arthritis-Self Management, and (4) Lupus Now. So I got this great idea: How about a magazine devoted to venereal disease? Possible title:ClapTrap.

5-"SHLEPPERS: LONG DISTANCE MOVING & STORAGE" (Printed on the side of a very large truck on New York’s 2nd Avenue). Conclusion: In case some of your furniture is damaged during the move, they'll refer you to their replacement division:GURNISHT HELFEN.

6-"OH, LORD, MAKETH US HAVE MUTUAL EXPLOSIONS WHILE PERFORMING THAT SELFLESS ACT": "Prayer Book for Spouses," aimed at Roman Catholic couples, encourages them to recite the "Prayer Before Making Love"..."to remind themselves that intercourse is a selfless act, not dri