Lawrence Eisenberg

ISSUE 106- APRIL 23, 2012.

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-“BREEDING WITH WHITES IS THE ‘END OF YOUR RACE” (The Blaze, April 13, 2012). “Luis Farrakhan, The Nation of Islam’s infamous leader, is known for issuing some bizarre commentary on a variety of social and political issues. Earlier this week, while speaking at Alabama A&M University, Farrakhan made the curious claim that Jesus was a black Muslim. …While giving an address at Jefferson Street Missionary Baptist church in Nashville, Tennessee, his questionable ideals continued to flow….He took on the regularly-waged accusation that he’s anti-Semitic. His comments on the matter, as controversial as they always are, poked at white Americans. 'I don’t know what anti-Semitism is from your perspective, because we’ve never stopped a Jewish person from going to the school of his or her choice. We’ve never stopped a Jewish person from owning property or setting up businesses. ... “We’ve never made laws to exclude Jewish persons. But we know somebody did that to us. So could it be that those who call me anti-Semitic are anti-black?” Then… he, once again, made the claim that Jesus Christ was black.“Jesus, whether you want to believe it or not, was a man of color. How many of you are ready to accept Jesus as one of you?...Jesus — his mother Mary was an Egyptian. Egypt is Northeast Africa.'…Farrakhan then attempted to bring his rationale all together, saying 'White folks don’t produce black children — except [if] it‘s a white woman with a black man or a black man with a white woman and that’s the end of your race. So you’re dying a natural death...And without an AK47 ’cause the brother ain’t shooting no blanks. ...So if Jesus was a black man and you’re looking for him to return, why did they give us the image of themselves when the Pope knows that Jesus was black?'...Even Billy Graham said it years ago and the Pope has a black Madonna — so why did you make him white when you know he was black?”
IF JESUS SUDDENLY APPEARED TODAY HE MIGHT SAY, "BLACK/​SHMACK! HEY, FARRAKHAN--THOU ART FULL OF SHIT!"

2-"GINGRICH’S SECRET SERVICE DETAIL LIKELY COSTING TAXPAYERS TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS A DAY." (THE DAILY CALLER. April 19, 2012). "FREDERICK, MD: Even though by his own estimation he has very little prospect of winning the Republican nomination, Newt Gingrich is still likely costing the taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars a day with his Secret Service detail on the campaign trail. Gingrich reportedly requested Secret Service protection in February and was granted a detail in early March. In April 2008, Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan told the Homeland Security Subcommittee of the House Appropriations Committee that it was then costing the agency roughly $38,000 a day to service each candidate receiving protection, which was then just Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton....A source with knowledge of the inner workings of the Gingrich campaign told The Daily Caller that Gingrich recently had three people on his personal security detail, though sometimes there are 'many more. ' Others on the campaign (said) that some of the Secret Service members were even saying it was a waste of time and that he shouldn’t have it,' the source (said). 'Staff members thought it was ridiculous too, and just another example of Newt’s arrogance and self-importance'.”I'M WILLING TO CONTRIBUTE A FEW BUCKS FOR SOMEBODY TO SMASH GINGRICH'S FACE IN--ACTUALLY THAT MIGHT BE AN IMPROVEMENT.

2a-AS A TRIBUTE TO MITT ROMNEY, IF NEWT STRAPPED CALLISTA TO THE ROOF OF HIS CAR, WOULD ANY OF HER HAIRS BLOW OUT OF PLACE?

3a-HOT SEX NEWS 1: "A SHOCK TACTIC GONE TOO FAR? NEW AD FEATURES SENIOR CITIZENS SIMULATING SEX POSITIONS TO PROMOTE USE OF CONDOMS."(MailOnline, April 13, 2012. An advertisement featuring senior citizens simulating sexual acts has sparked shock from consumers. The video campaign, released by…SaferSex4Seniors.org, is designed to promote safe sex through use of condoms following news that STDs among sexually-active seniors in Florida had risen by 71per cent over the past five years…Too much? An ad campaign showing senior citizens in a series of different sexual positions has sparked shock among consumers.The 30-second video, released on YouTube today, shows a group of elderly men and women mocking the performance of fellatio as well as other challenging sexual positions….But Akila Gibbs, the executive director of the Pasadena Senior Center told Wsbt.com … 'I think it looks like they're making fun of seniors, more than they're educating them.' …Gothamist.com added: 'Nobody wants to think about – let alone picture – their Grandma doing it.' GRANDMA RESPONDED: "WHAT THE F--- DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX?"

3b-HOT SEX NEWS 2: "MAN FLEES AFTER WOMAN DEMANDS TOO MUCH SEX" (HuffPost, April 15, 2012)." We've all been there.Agence France-Presse reports that a German man in Munich allegedly had to flee to the police after a woman demanded too much sex. After several amicably agreed upon rolls in the hay, the man reportedly tried to leave the woman's apartment. But she wouldn't let him exit and instead allegedly insisted on more sex. That's when the man ran to the cops for help, according to authorities. Perhaps the woman in question was unaware of a study reported on by Forbes that found that, while women can, for the most part, never have too much sex, men can…. Reuters reported on a study that found 12 percent of men aged 16-24 wanted sex less often. It's not a perfect comparison though, since the German man was 43. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE? SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, SLOWDICK. LET THE 45-YEAR-OLD GERMAN CONTACT A GRANDMA AND HE MAY CHANGE HIS MIND.

4-"ITALIAN PHARMACISTS THREATEN VIAGRA STRIKE" (CBC NEWS & A.P., March 30, 2012)." Hospital pharmacists are threatening to cut Italians off from their Viagra unless the government amends its plans to reform professions that have high entry barriers….Union official Loredana Vasselli said pharmacists decided to focus the protest on Viagra because it is a sought-after drug whose absence 'does not put patients' health at risk.' Pharmacists will stage a series of labour actions during April, culminating with the so-called 'Viagra strike' if their complaints are not redressed. One group protested Thursday outside Parliament under the banner 'No Viagra, No Party.' Hospital pharmacists, part of Italy's public health care system, say Premier Mario Monti's economic liberalization plan is unfair because it gives private pharmacists preference for new licenses. The reform calls for opening 5,000 new pharmacies.HEY, WISEASS: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT RISKED WITHOUT VIAGRA?

5-NAZIS GET THEIR OWN LOBBYIST (U.S.News & World Report, April 13, 2012). “ So Rep. Allen West thinks the Democratic Party is full of communists? Wait until he gets a load of the new Nazi lobbyist.... On...the same day that West was fantasizing about 80 members of Congress being card-carrying members of the Communist Party, the actual American Nazi Party was making its move onto the Hill. One John Bowles registered with the Clerk of the House that day as a lobbyist for the white supremacist group (hat tip LegiStorm). Bowles was the National Socialist Movement's presidential nominee in 2008…Bowles seemed genuinely puzzled when I asked him whether he really thinks that any members of Congress or Hill staffers would take a meeting with a Nazi lobbyist. 'I don't see why not,' he says, adding that he knows lobbyists rely on their credibility.'Of course I won't approach anybody in Congress unless it's a very interesting issue or law...I'm going to be very careful about the issues I choose for this." He might also be careful about the members he approaches. For example I'd avoid Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Joe Lieberman, and Chuck Schumer. Oh yeah, and Allen West too.
AND MAYBE BOWLES CAN HAVE A SWASTIKA TATOOED ON HIS FASCIST ASS--OR MOUTH (SAME THING) .

6-EXAMPLE OF A SENIOR WHO KEEPS BUSY. “Darlene Mayes, 73-Year-Old, Sold Pot And Had Illegal Guns In Oklahoma"(Huffington Post, April 4, 2012)“GANJA GRANNY: Darlene Mayes allegedly ran a drug ring stretching from Tulsa, Oklahoma to Arkansas, Missouri and Kansas. This granny's ganja wasn't for glaucoma -- turns out she might have been the biggest pot dealer in town. When cops kicked down the door of the elderly woman's Oklahoma home... they said they knew they'd find some marijuana. What they didn't expect was that 73-year-old Darlene Mayes was packing 4 pounds of pot, $276,000 in cash, a semiautomatic pistol and a revolver…(Investigators) believe she supplied about 40 percent of the marijuana circulating in the vicinity, which includes Tulsa and parts of Arkansas, Kansas and Missouri. …In Mayes' house, cops found the supply in her bedroom, which reeked of weed. A vacuum-sealed bag full of the stuff was found in the closet, and bundles of bills labeled "$15,000" were found under her box spring. They found a pipe and another bag of weed in the bathroom, and a total of $200,000 in more vacuum-sealed bags in a guest room where Mayes' grandchildren reportedly slept. Mayes allegedly first told officers that the money was for her retirement fund.FOR GOD'S SAKE--IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE ON SOCIAL SECURITY!

7- “UNORTHODOX BEHAVIOR RATTLES RUSSIAN CHURCH” (A.P., April 13, 2012). “The Russian Orthodox Church...faces increasingly serious allegations of corruption and criticism for its role in Russian politics. Last week bloggers discovered that a photograph of the patriarch--Kirill I-- on the church’s website had been altered to remove a $30,000 Breguet watch from the churchman’s wrist. While someone had used Photoshop to erase the offending object, they had forgotten to erase the watch’s reflection on a nearby mahogany table. The church has been criticised for its harsh response to Pussy Riot, the feminist punk rock group whose young members are facing seven-year jail sentences for staging an impromptu performance inside a Moscow church, and its public support for Vladimir Putin despite mass protests….The church’s spokesman is flippant about the watch incident – he scoffs that people will take issue with the patriarch’s boots or glasses next. …Father Andrei Kuraev, a priest who has spoken out in defence of Pussy Riot, argues that...'A lot of people look at the patriarch as being the same as they are and they get some kind of pleasure out of watching the mighty fal,'...While the recent (Krill) scandals are the most serious he has faced in his career, they are not the first. In the 1990s, he was accused of profiteering from church tax breaks on imported alcohol and tobacco, in a scheme that was eventually killed in 1997. ...He has also been accused of being an ex-KGB member. The patriarch has denied both allegations…On top of the flat scandal, the church has separately come under fire for its treatment of sick children at a cerebral palsy centre outside Moscow. ...A Russian Orthodox monastery has restricted access to the path that connects two of the hospital’s wings, forcing the children, many of whom are in wheelchairs, to take a 1.5km-long route instead. The monastery has also laid claims to the land beneath one of the buildings, raising concerns that the hospital will be forced to pay rent to the monastery that would otherwise go towards treatment. Mr Chaplin maintains that the land in question is the monastery’s 'by law and by fairness. No one is preparing to kick the children out' he adds."
WHY KICK THEM OUT WHEN SO MANY OF THESE CROOKS/​ASSHOLES/​DEVIANTS (aka CLERGYMEN) WANT TO SEXUALLY MOLEST THEM?

8-"WHO KNEW THERE WERE BREASTS UNDER THAT BURKA?" -HuffingtonPost, April 12, 2012). “I know bras can get get people stirred up, but I think we all need to calm down a little over the recent photo of a Muslim woman in a burka holding one up. The story is that a fine arts student from Thompson Rivers University in Kamloops, B.C. took a photo of her friend wearing aniqab -- a veil covering her face -- and an abaya-- a full-body cloak -- holding up a bra as she sorts through her laundry. It's been met with outrage. A staff member of the school "tore it down" from where it was displayed with the other student photos. The Saudi Arabian Embassy also has their knickers in a twist…But no, it's just a photo of a woman holding an under garment that is just as, if not more common in the Middle East than it is in North America. ..Not that we should be surprised or offended to see a Muslim woman holding a bra, if not just for basic anatomical reasons. She does have breasts you know, and those things can get heavy (the point of a bra in the first place). So I think rather than freak out over here in the West, the least we can do is acknowledge what the photo is: art, which captures a real Muslim, if not any woman's, experience. And though Middle Eastern women may out-do their Western counterparts when it comes to frills and lace, we still have a lot more rights in terms of self-expression (lingerie companies in these countries alter their ads so as not to show women baring flesh). The least we can do as citizens of a country where women are apparently "sexually liberated" is celebrate this photo. PHRASE TO BE OFFERED TO MIDDLE EASTERN WOMEN, FROM PSALM 23 OF THE KING JAMES BIBLE: " MY CUP RUNNETH OVER."

9- "POLICE: MAN WITH PLUNGER TRIES TO ROB NY BANK" ( A.P., April 13, 2012). UTICA, N.Y. Police say a 49-year-old man tried to rob a central New York bank armed with a toilet plunger. Utica police tell local media outlets that Lawrence Deptola went into city bank Thursday afternoon and threatened a teller with the plunger. Police responded after two other banks had previously called authorities about a suspicious man entering their buildings. Deptola was arrested after a foot chase and charged with attempted third-degree robbery. It could not be determined Friday morning if Deptola had a lawyer.ISN’T A PLUNGER THE PERFECT WEAPON FOR AN ASSHOLE?.

10-"WOMEN MURDERED, EATEN AND MADE INTO HUMAN PASTRIES” (HuffPost Social Reading & A.P., April 14, 2012). “SAO PAULO , BRAZIL-- Police have arrested three people for allegedly killing at least two women, eating parts of their bodies and using their flesh to make stuffed pastries known as empanadas that they sold to neighbors …The three suspects – a man, his wife and his mistress – belonged to a sect that preached "the purification of the world and the reduction of its population,"…. The newspaper Estado de S.Paulo said the man, Jorge Beltrao Negromonte, wrote a 50-page book titled "Revelations of a Schizophrenic" in which he says he hears voices and is obsessed with the killing of women. …The three allegedly lured women to their house by promising them a job as a nanny. They were tracked down after one of the arrested women used a credit card belonging to a victim who disappeared last month. Police found the remains of the two women in the backyard of the suspects' house, which enraged neighbors burned to the ground Thursday….The three allegedly had plans for killing another woman living in the nearby (Brazilian) city of Lagoa do Ouro. FANTASY: WHILE THEY WERE CHOPPING THEY SANG: WHERE DO THEY WOO ON A RAINY NIGHT IN RIO?/​HOW CAN A GUY MEET A SWEETHEART BY THE SEA?/​MAYBE THE GIRL WANTS A TENDER KISS, AND YET/​HOW TENDER CAN YOU GET/​ WHEN YOU'RE BENEATH A WET PALM TREE?

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EISENBERG'S GRAPEVINE

ISSUE 105- MARCH 30, 2012.

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1- TODAY’S NEWS ABOUT ”RECTAL-ENTRANCE” GERALDO RIVERA: ON MARCH 24’s “FOX & FRIENDS,” HE COMMENTED ABOUT THE DEATH (MURDER?) OF TRAYVON MARTIN, CAUSED BY SANFORD, FLORIDA NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH CAPTAIN GEORGE ZIMMERMAN: “I am urging the parents of black and Latino youngsters particularly to not let their children go out wearing hoodies…I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.” Three days later he apologized: ““By putting responsibility on what kids wear instead of how people react to them I have obscured the main point that someone shot and killed an unarmed teenager,” and that he was offering a “sincere and heartfelt apology” to anyone he may have offended ….” He added that his own son, Gabriel--from one of his four marriages (HELLO ZSA ZSA!)--was ashamed of him. I HOPE HE READS THE APRIL 2, 2012 ISSUE OF THE NEW YORK OBSERVER’S –‘THE OPENING SHOT COLUMN’: “We know where Geraldo Rivera stands—in the dummy corner after reinforcing on Fox News the idiotic notion that Trayvon Martin was killed because the way he was dressed legitimately provoked suspicion. Maybe someone should tell Mr. Rivera that his mustache is just asking for trouble. Eventually someone is going to confuse him for a creepy, overly touchy bad uncle. Really, what did he expect, running around in public with that ‘stash? The whole thing just leaves us, well, cold.”
ONE MORE FACT: (WIKIPEDIA): ”Rivera was born at Beth Israel Medical Center in Brooklyn, New York, the son of Lillian (née Friedman), a waitress, and the late Cruz "Allen" Rivera (October 1, 1915 – November 1987), a restaurant worker and cab driver.[6][7] Rivera's father was a Catholic Puerto Rican of Spanish ancestry,[8] and his mother is of Ashkenazi Russian Jewish descent. He was raised "mostly Jewish" and had a Bar Mitzvah”
AS MY MOTHER WOULD HAVE SAID: "WHO NEEDS HIM?"

2-WHY DO REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES USE THEIR NICKNAMES?
NEWT....MITT....RICK..... RON.
DO THEY FEEL THAT FULL NAMES WILL MAKE THEM SEEM TOO SERIOUS?
HERE’S HOW I ASSOCIATE THEM:
NEWT-BRUTE
MITT: SHIT.
RICK-PRICK
RON-(MO)RON

3- “GINGRICH BEGINS CHARGING $50 FOR PHOTOS AT EVENTS: CANDIDATE PREVIOUSLY POSED FOR FREE WITH PEOPLE ATTENDING HIS APPEARANCES” (National Journal, March 27, 2012). “HOCKESSIN, Del. – In a sign that his campaign is in need of fresh funds, Newt Gingrich…began charging $50 to have a photograph taken with him following a campaign speech to Republican groups here in the northernmost part of the state. "Some campaigns make you travel all the way to Wall Street to pay $2,500 for a photo with a candidate," a Gingrich spokesman said…"We are trying out a new tactic and asking our supporters at our rallies for a nominal donation. And guess what, it is working." It was the first time that the former House speaker has charged those attending one of his public speaking events to pose for a photograph with him. Lately, a member of his campaign staff has been snapping photos of any interested attendee and later posting them online at the campaign’s website, Newt.org. …..Those paying for a photograph were also told they could find their photos on Gingrich’s website, after they had filled out a form providing their credit card information.AND HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO AVOID POSING WITH NEWT?

4-OH, REALLY? “How To Pitch Edible Queens” (HuffPost Social News, March 13,2012) . “Serve up hyperlocal features and neighborhood dish to get on this NY food mag's radar..(Circulation: 100,000). Edible Queens is a member of Edible Communities Publications, a group of nearly 60 franchised print magazines that ‘celebrate local foods, season by season’ …The magazine...aims to preserve the strong community ties that already exist and loop in the newcomers by introducing them to the incredible people who live in Queens.”
STOP LAUGHING. EDIBLE QUEENS IS NOT A GAY PUBLICATION.

5—“DEATH MADE ILLEGAL IN ITALY TOWN FALCIANO DEL MASSICO” (AP, Rome, March 13, 2012) — Since the start of the month it has been illegal to die in Falciano del Massico, a village of 3,700 people some 50 kilometers (30 miles) from Naples in southern Italy. Mayor Giulio Cesare Fava issued the tongue-in-cheek decree because the village has no cemetery and it is feuding with a nearby town that has one — creating a logistical problem about what to do with the deceased. The mayor told newspapers that villagers are content. "The ordinance has brought happiness," he was quoted Tuesday as saying. "Unfortunately, two elderly citizens disobeyed."WHAT A BUNCH OF MERDAHEADS.

6-“THE WORLD’S TALLEST MAN APPEARS TO HAVE STOPPED GROWING” (NEWSPLEX.COM., March 12, 2012). “The world’s tallest man appears to have stopped growing following treatment at the University of Virginia Medical Center.... In May 2010, 8-foot-3-inch Sultan Kosen of Turkey made his first visit to UVa. for treatment…Kosen suffers from acromegaly, which is usually caused by a tumor in the pituitary gland. The tumor causes a large amount of growth hormone to be produced, which can lead to gigantism if the excess growth hormone is produced before puberty begins…(The doctor) placed Kosen on a new medication that could potentially help control the production of growth hormone and stop his continued growth. Because Kosen’s pituitary tumor had spread to areas of his brain where doctors could not safely perform open surgery, UVa. neurosurgeon Dr. Jason Sheehan, then performed Gamma Knife radiosurgery in August 2010. Gamma Knife radiosurgery is a noninvasive procedure that delivers focused beams of radiation….to a specific spot in a patient’s body – in this case, Kosen’s pituitary tumor. About three months ago, Kosen’s doctors in Turkey (announced) that Kosen has stopped growing. ..(The doctor) say, ‘The important thing is to stop the production of the excess growth hormone. ...If he had continued to grow, it would have been life-threatening.” LIFE-THREATENING MOSTLY TO THE PEOPLE WHO LIVED ABOVE HIS 9-FOOT CEILING.

7-“STUDENT FORCED TO URINATE IN BUCKET” (NBC SAN DIEGO, March 9, 2012). “San Diego Unified School District put a teacher on administrative leave. A San Diego student said she was forced to urinate into a bucket in the back of her classroom. The San Diego Unified School District said the teacher is on administrative leave. …The incident took place…at Patrick Henry High School. According to the family's attorney…(the) 14 year old student was….required to urinate in a bucket in the back of the classroom, with other students present. (The attorney) said …that if she was going to use the restroom, it would be in a bucket, located in a storage room connected to the back of the class, or not at all. (The attorney added that) they're not yet aware of this type of thing happening with this teacher before. HOW ABOUT THE TIME SHE TOLD A STUDENT “LEAVE YOUR STOOL ON A STOOL.”

8-HERE WE GO AGAIN…"Testimony Begins In Child Sex-Abuse Trial For Philadelphia Catholic Priests, Archdiocese " (A.P., March 27, 2012).
“PHILADELPHIA -- After nine years and two grand jury reports, prosecutors have brought a landmark case to trial that explores how the Archdiocese of Philadelphia dealt with child sex-abuse complaints against scores of Roman Catholic priests. Monsignor William Lynn is the first U.S. church official ever charged over his handling of abuse complaints. He supervised more than 800 priests as the secretary for clergy in Philadelphia from 1992 to 2004. Prosecutors charge that Lynn kept dangerous priests in parish work around children to protect the church's reputation and avoid scandal. They say the church kept secret files dating to 1948 that show a long-standing conspiracy to doubt sex abuse victims and protect priests…Besides Lynn, Rev. James Brennan is on trial, accused of raping a 14-year-old boy in 1996. Both men entered not guilty pleas Monday. A third defendant, defrocked priest Edward Avery, pleaded guilty last week to charges in the case. Defense lawyers have long planned to attack the credibility of the two accusers, who have struggled with drug addiction and have criminal records. But that strategy took something of a hit when Avery entered the surprise guilty ple… Avery, who moonlighted as a disc jockey and adopted six Hmong children during his years in the priesthood, admitted that he sexually assaulted a 10-year-old altar boy in a church sacristy in 1999. That victim accused another priest and his sixth-grade teacher of raping him during his parochial school years. ...Avery's plea also acknowledged that the archdiocese kept him in ministry despite being aware of an earlier complaint. … A Philadelphia detective read a 1992 letter from a medical student that said Avery had once gotten him drunk and molested him after a DJ stint at a West Philadelphia nightclub and later on a ski trip. "I do not want money or any kind of media scandal," the accuser wrote. "I need to know that he has been evaluated and treated for this disorder and his threat to other impressionable young men is gone." The archdiocese interviewed Avery, who denied the allegations before saying they could have happened when he was drunk.…. He sexually assaulted the altar boy seven years later, he admitted Thursday. BESIDES BEING DEFROCKED THESE BEASTS SHOULD BE DE-DICKED.

9-GLADYS KNIGHT IS NOW A CONTESTANT ON TV’s “DANCING WITH THE STARS.”In case you’ve been wondering what happened to the Pips: According to Wikipedia: “Gladys Knight & the Pips embarked on their final tour in 1988 and disbanded upon its conclusion, as Gladys Knight decided she wanted to pursue a solo career. The Pips retired, while Gladys Knight began scoring hits of her own with singles such as "Men" (1991) and "I Don't Want to Know" (1994).The group was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1996, the Vocal Group Hall of Fame in 2001 and received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Rhythm & Blues Foundation in 1998. “ I’M FEELING MUCH BETTER. ARE YOU?

10-"MOLDY TAMPONS: WOMAN, FINDS BLACK SPOTS ON KOTEX PRODUCT " (Huffington Post, March 28, 2012) “.A Texas woman found an unexpected substance growing on an unused tampon: mold. Danielle Parr noticed the black spots after she accidentally popped the Kotex product out of its applicato… Horrified (she) contacted maker Kimberly-Clark Corporation, which owns Kotex, to report the issue. …A spokesperson told her the substance wasn't something to be concerned about: ‘ In instances where it has been found, we conducted tests on the product involved and have found the mold to be a common environmental species that carries no health risk. The vegetative mold is similar in nature to mold on vegetables or in baked goods.’..Dr. Jay Staub, an obstetrician and gynecologist, called the tampon in question "Disgusting…. If a woman uses a tampon that is contaminated with bacteria, mold, I suppose there can be a risk of infection…in the vagina.’ Kimberly-Clark added,’Nothing s more important to us than consumer safety. Any discoloration or abnormality with our tampons is extremely rare, and we want to do a full investigation to determine the source and follow-up with our manufacturing facility.’ Despite the apology, Jezebel's Erin Gloria Ryan points out the incident still gives ’millions of women a reason to rip open their box of cotton ponies and examine them individually for mold like a crazy person." COTTON PONIES? GET IN THE SADDLE, COWBOY.

Lawrence Eisenberg
Grapevine Biography Writing Travel Screenplay Feedback

MARY TYLER MOORE-INTERVIEW
She's Much More Realistic Than The Characters She Plays. Published By New Choices, December 1997/​January 1998
CARY GRANT
He Was One-Of-A-Kind, As Revealed In A Documentary & Four Films Shown On TV In One Week. Published By Total TV, April 16, 1988..
PAVAROTTI--SORT-OF INTERVIEW
Great Voice--Rotten Attitude. Published In Newsday & L.A. Times Syndicate, June 8, 1986
SLEEPERS ARE FOR SLEEPING.
Trying To Make Love On A Moving Train Can Be Disastrous. Published By Cosmopolitan, July 1974
ARTICLES
HOW TO BE A TV ANCHOR MAN IN THREE DAYS
Fictitious TV Anchor School Promises Great Results. Published In Penthouse, January 1983
HOW TO MAKE WAVES WITHOUT DROWNING YOURSELF.
Taking Action, Despite The Risks, Can Be Rewarding. Published By Cosmopolitan, January 1983.
ARTICLES-TRAVEL
TRAVEL--PLACES I LOVE
Visits To Sonoma, Calif., Southeastern Tennessee;Florida's Citrus County;Cayuga, New York; Mount Washington, New Hampshire; Lake Como's Isola Comacina; Steamboat Springs, Colorado; Lexington,Kentucky; California's Mendocino, Guerneville & Calistoga; Lake Tahoe; Taormina;Chattanooga;Taos & Santa Fe;San Antonio; New Brunswick, Canada. Appeared In New Choices, Diversion, Vision, Destinations Magazines
NOVELS
TEMPTATION
A Happily Married New York PR Man, Who Dreams Of Being A Screenwriter, Suddenly Gets His Chance: His Boss Fires Him--And A Hollywood Goddess Takes Him On. Published By Bantam, 1988.
NORMAN'S PRESENT
Romantic Fantasy, Published As "The Villa Of The Ferromonte," By Simon & Schuster, 1974. Republished By IUniverse, 2000.
Quick Links


EISENBERG'S GRAPEVINE
ISSUE 104-FEBRUARY 23, 2012.

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-NEWT GETS THE BOOT: FANTASY: The Gingriches divorce and, shortly after, Newt marries his fourth wife, Kim Kardashian (akaKardoucheian). Weeks later, ex-wife Callista marries Rob Kardashian. Then they’ll be in-laws, who might have an affair—but-- if Callista gets a fatal disease, Newt will dump her and search for another mistress to balance his happy life with Kim. …And, after Kim divorces him….OH, I CAN’T GO ON…..

2-"LIFE SPOTTED ON VENUS: RUSSIAN SCIENTISTS" (IANS Jan 21, 2012). "MOSCOW: Several objects resembling living beings were detected on photographs taken by a Russian landing probe in 1982 during a Venus mission, says an article…in the Solar System Research magazine. Leonid Ksanfomaliti (GOLLY, HISNAME ALMOST CONTAINS THE WHOLE ALPHABET) of the Space Research Institute of Russia's Academy of Sciences…analyzed the photographs from the Venus mission made by a Soviet landing probe…The photographs feature…objects, which Ksanfomaliti said, resembled a disk, a black flap and a scorpion.’All of them emerge, fluctuate and disappear, ‘ the scientist said, referring to their changing location on different photographs and traces on the ground. ‘What if we forget about the current theories about the non-existence of life on Venus, let's boldly suggest that the objects' morphological features would allow us to say that they are living.’ … (Yet) no data proving the existence of life on Venus, where the ground temperature is 464 degrees Celsius, has ever been found.’ “ ANTICIPATED FUTURE ANNOUNCEMENT: DISCOVERED ON VENUS: A SWEATING, 800 POUND, FURRY CREATURE, WITH FOUR ARMS & LEGS, FOUR HANDS , EACH CONTAINING EIGHT LONG CLAWS, AN ALMOST- HUMAN FACE--AND A TAIL. HE (SHE? IT?) COMMENTS, "ARF! BARF! WOOF! MEOW! THIS FRIGGIN' HEAT IS KILLIN' ME!"

3-WIPES GRIPES: As they’ve consistently raised prices over the last few years, most toilet paper manufacturers have been calling their product “double rolls.” BUT…As time goes by, the ‘doubles’ have become smaller and smaller so that many are now the size of Life Savers. AN AD I'D LIKE TO BUY: DOUBLE ROLLS, MY ASS!

4- "JUDGE ORDERS FLORIDA MAN TO TAKE HIS WIFE ON A DATE" (NBC Miami, February 8, 2012). “Just in time for Valentine's Day, a Florida judge ruled...that a man involved in a scuffle with his wife treat her to an evening at a local bowling alley and a romantic meal at Red Lobster. Judge John Hurley ordered that Joseph Bray, 47 and his wife Sonja, 39, also visit a marriage counselor. Hurley handed down this ruling instead of setting bond or slapping Bray with a prison sentence after he deemed domestic violence charges leveled by Bray's wife to be ‘very, very minor.’ According to Bray's arrest affidavit, Bray and his wife got embroiled in a spat after he failed to wish her a happy birthday. Bray's wife claims that her husband shoved her against a sofa and grabbed her neck. The judge, citing Bray's otherwise clean record and the incident's apparent lack of serious violence, did not consider Bray's behavior a major offense. However, Bray must follow the stipulations of Hurley's ruling very closely if he wants to avoid potential jail time. ‘He's going to stop by somewhere and he's going to get some flowers,’ Hurley said at a hearing, ‘He's going to stop by somewhere and he's going to get some flowers," Hurley said.’ And then after they have Red Lobster, they're going to go bowling’." I HOPE THAT JOSEPH'S LOBSTER IS A DECENT SIZE SO HE DOESN'T JAB SONJA IN THE EYE WITH ITS TAIL...AND GOD KNOWS WHAT HE MIGHT DO TO HER WITH A BOWLING PIN.

5-INDIAN LAWMAKERS FILMED 'WATCHING PORN ON PHONE DURING ASSEMBLY' RESIGN (Fox News, February 8, 2012). “BANGALORE, India -- Three Indian lawmakers resigned Wednesday after they were filmed allegedly watching porn on a cell phone during a heated debate at a state assembly in Bangalore, southern India. Lakshman Savdi, the minister for cooperation, and C.C. Patil, the minister for women and children, were captured on TV footage broadcast Tuesday apparently watching a porn film clip on Savdi's cell phone at the legislative assembly for the central Indian state of Karnataka, the Times of India reported. The clip was allegedly provided by Krishna B. Palemar, the minister for ports and the environment, according to the newspaper. The right-wing Bharatiya Janata Party, which rules Karnataka, ordered the three men to resign over the footage, which caused uproar across the country. The three men deny the accusations A spokesman for the party said an inquiry would take place and that the ’truth will be out’ soon.” TRUTH/​SHMUTH! IT’S ON FILM! THROUGHOUT HISTORY, THE SAME PROCLAMATION HAS BEEN DRAMATICALLY ISSUED BY ATTORNEYS FOR JOHN WILKES BOOTH, LEE HARVEY OSWALD, O.J. SIMPSON--& THOUSANDS OF OTHER MURDERERS, THIEVES, SWINDLERS, LIARS & POLITICIANS (MANY OF WHOM FIT INTO ALL THOSE OTHER CATEGORIES).

6-FOR GOD’S SAKE! KILLER WHALES HAVE FEELINGS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! “PETA'S SEAWORLD SLAVERY CASE DISMISSED BY JUDGE” (HUFFPOST GREEN, February 9, 2012). ““Do whales deserve constitutional protection against slavery? On February 8, a federal judge said 'no,' stopping a historic case filed by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals against SeaWorld for violating the 13th Amendment on slavery. Five orcas were listed as the plaintiffs. PETA filed the lawsuit ….last October, complaining that the whales ‘were forcibly taken from their families and natural habitats, are held captive at SeaWorld San Diego and SeaWorld Orlando, denied everything that is natural to them, subjected to artificial insemination or sperm collection to breed performers for Defendants' shows, and forced to perform, all for Defendants' profit. As such, Plaintiffs are held in slavery and involuntary servitude.’ PETA went on to request that the whales be freed and released to a habitat better suited to their needs. On Wednesday, U.S. District Judge Jeffrey Miller dismissed the case, writing in his ruling that ‘the only reasonable interpretation of the Thirteenth Amendment's plain language is that it applies to persons, and not to non-persons such as orcas.’ WATCH FOR LAWSUITS ON BEHALF OF LOX, HERRING & WHITEFISH—FILED BY THOSE THREE HOT LAWYERS IN #5.

7-“AT IT AGAIN: KARL LAGERFELD LETS RIP ON HIS WORLD VIEW" (Telegraph.co.uk, February 8, 2012). “Outspoken fashion guru Karl Lagerfeld has branded British singer Adele as 'fat', called Russian men 'ugly' and said the Greeks and Italians have 'disgusting habits in an interview with a global newspaper.’ Just say what you really mean, Karl, for crying out loud.... ‘The German-born style guru also said Britain's Royal Family was 'totally unnecessary, but pleasant' and described the Queen as 'a more smiley version of her grandmother'…. Asked for his views on female pop stars, the 78-year-old- Lagerfeld - who is notorious for his controversial public outbursts(NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!)… said: ‘….Adele…is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? …Quizzed over his views on Russia, he replied: ‘If I was a woman in Russia I would be a lesbian, as the men are very ugly. ‘There are a few handsome ones, like Naomi Campbell's boyfriend, but there you see the most beautiful women and the most horrible men.’ And probed over his opinion on the Greek debt crisis, he answered: ‘Greece needs to work on a cleaner image. It's a big problem, as they have this reputation of being so corrupt. ‘You can't be sure the money will go where it's supposed to go. Nobody wants Greece to disappear, but they have really disgusting habits. Italy as well’…Lagerfeld also insisted US President Barack Obama would not have been elected without his wife. ‘I'm a big fan of Mrs. Obama - and her face, I think, is magical….My favorite thing about Mrs Obama was when she was asked if her skirt was not too tight and she answered, “Why, you don't like my big black ass?” I want Obama to win because there is nothing better anyway, and especially because of her.” CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR HIS OPINIONS OF THE KARDASHIANS AND ALL THE OTHER WEIRDOS THAT THE CURRENT MEDIA BRANDS AS CELEBRITIES.

8- “TEACHER SUSPENDED AFTER SPRAYING DOWN 'FISHY-SMELLING' BOY, 10, WITH AIR FRESHENER.” (MailOnline, February 9, 2012).”A teacher has landed herself in hot water after trying to mask the smell of fish on a young student by spraying him with Febreze. The incident occurred on February 2 when Christian Roberts had fried fish for lunch before going back to Twillingate Elementary School in Newfoundland, Canada. The boy's mother, Patti Rideout, claimed the teacher kept her son 'out of class for an hour' after fellow students made fun of him for the smell. AIR FRESHENER SHOULD GET BE SPRAYED INTO THAT TEACHER'S MOUTH.

9- "FART JOKE LEADS TO BOMB SCARE: STUDENT HAROLD WAYNE HADLEY ARRESTED IN MISSISSIPPI "(The Huffington Post ,February 10/​2012 ). “Nothing clears a room like a fart -- except, perhaps, a bomb scare. Harold Wayne Hadley, Jr., 19, was arrested at a Mississippi junior college after he allegedly wrote a note on a piece of toilet paper on Tuesday, containing the word 'bomb,' according to Weirdnews.net. The note prompted 11 emergency agencies to respond to the school, but there was no bomb. Hadley and his family contend that he was only explaining the joy of flatulating in the library."He was in the restroom doodling on some toilet paper ... we are from the country, and he calls passing gas, bombs," said Hadley's aunt, who wouldn't give her name to WDAM. "[He] put 'I passed a bomb in the library,' talking about passing gas, and somebody came in and found it, gave it to a teacher that recognized his hand writing and it blew all out of proportion." Investigators wouldn't say exactly what Hadley wrote, but WDAM reports that it was no more explicit than "I passed a bomb in the library." .Hadley was arrested and held on $20,000 bail. If convicted of threatening to blow up the school, he faces 10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine, according to WAPT. His aunt says he earned straight A's at Jones County Junior College and was scheduled to graduate in May. WELL, AT LEAST HE DOESN’T HAVE A FISHY SMELL.

10-"ADOLF HITLER'S ALLEGED FRENCH SON, REPORTEDLY BORN TO FRENCH WOMAN" (HuffPost, February 20, 2012 ). " 'I am Hitler's son,' Jean-Marie Loret told Francois Gibault, a Parisian lawyer, in 1979. ...French magazine LePoint published a revised account of Loret's incredible story. According to LePoint, Adolf Hitler met Loret's mother, 16-year-old Charlotte Lobjoie in France in 1917 while on leave from the German front in Picardy. Lobjoie recalled meeting the German soldier while she was working cutting hay with other women.'He had some kind of cardboard and seemed to be drawing. All of the women found this soldier interesting and wanted to know what he was drawing. They picked me to try to approach him,'" she said, according to a HuffPost translation. The relationship reportedly developed, and Hitler took Lobjoie out for long walks. From LePoint:'"On the rare occasions your father was there he loved to take me on walks trough the countryside. But these walks generally ended rather bad. Your father, inspired by nature, undertook a discourse. I didn't really understand much. He didn't speak French, and spoke in German, addressing an imaginary audience'' One night, the couple allegedly took things a bit further, and in March 1918, Jean-Marie was born. The boy was later adopted and his mother only revealed his father's identity a few weeks before she died in the early fifties. According to LePoint, evidence collected by Loret seems to support the Frenchman's claim. A study by the University of Heidelberg reportedly shows that Hitler and Loret have the same blood group. Another study showed that their handwritings are similar. The Telegraph reports that Jean-Marie Loret's book, Your Father's Name Was Hitler, will be republished to incorporate new evidence supporting his claim. " HOW DOES HE CELEBRATE "FATHER'S DAY'?

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Check out my Web site at http:/​/​www.lawrenceeisenberg.com

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ISSUE 103-January 23, 2012.

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-DESPITE WHAT DICTIONARIES & WORLD ATLASES SAY, HERE ARE MY OPINIONS OF CERTAIN WORD ORIGINS:
CURRENT.....................ORIGINAL
KETCHUP.................... KETCHAM (IDAHO)
POLISH (NAIL,SHOE)..... POLISH (WARSAW CITIZENS)
TAMPAX......................TAMPA (FLORIDA)
MODESS..................... MODENA(ITALY)
CONDOM.................... CONDIMENT
SHIT......................... SHITAKE MUSHROOMS

2-I'M NOT INVITING THEM TO MY NEXT PARTY: "Pair Busted For Flaming Tampon Attack On Car"(the smoking gun, January 18, 2012). "Armed with flaming tampons...two young Pennsylvanians attempted to blow up a vehicle after severely vandalizing it, according to police. The bizarre January 7 incident outside a bar in Metal Township resulted in the arrest of Patricia Deshong, 25, and Quentin Deshong, 22, on a variety of charges, including attempted arson, public drunkenness, and criminal mischief. According to State Police troopers, the Deshongs seriously damaged a 2006 Ford Fusion, which had its windshield and windows either cracked or broken, was covered with dents, and had blood on the front passenger seat. The car’s hood was also open and various hoses had been disconnected. As for the flaming tampons, a probable cause affidavit notes that investigators 'discovered that the gas cap was removed and tampons were used to possibly ignite the gas tank.’ Additionally, ‘Tampon was used in the engine compartment where the oil fill cap is located.' Since 'ashes were at the gas cap area and the oil fill cap area,' troopers concluded that the tampons had been set ablaze at each spot. …When the Deshongs arrived at the police station, troopers reported, Patricia 'made threats stating that she was going to ‘fucking kill' a trooper following her release. AUTHORITIES MY ALSO CHARGE THEM FOR A "HOT TWAT OFFENSE."

3-OCCASIONAL THOUGHT: AFTER NEWT GINGRICH DIVORCES HIS CURRENT WIFE (THIS ONE NEEDN'T BE DYING OF A FATAL DISEASE), WHO WILL BECOME THE FOURTH MRS. GINGRICH? MY VOTE: ONE OF THE KARDOUCHEIANS.
SECOND THOUGHT: FOLLOWING THE DIVORCE, MRS. GINGRICH MIGHT JOIN A CONVENT AS SISTER CALLISTA. (SHE WOULD NEED AN EXTRA-LARGE HABIT TO COVER THAT CONTINENT OF HAIR...DO SOME CONVENTS ALLOW BLEACHING?)
THIRD THOUGHT: IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO JOIN A CONVENT, SHE CAN TAKE THE ADVICE OF CHAZ BONO AND CHANGE HER SEX---SO SHE WOULD BE CALLED MISTER CALLISTA.

4-"FERNANDO PORRAS SUSPECTED OF POISONING WIFE'S RICE KRISPIES" (A.P., JANUARY 14, 2012)."AZUSA, California--A Southern California man has been arrested on suspicion of putting poison in his wife's cereal. Los Angeles County jail records show 43-year-old Fernando Porras of Azusa was being held on $1 million bail Saturday on suspicion of the attempted murder of his 51-year-old wife, Fernanda. Azusa police Cpl. Randy Schmidt says the woman noticed a horrible taste and smell…in her Rice Krispies. Police allege Porras put a poisonous chemical in the cereal, but they didn't say what it was. Police Sgt. Dewayne Eldridge says the woman wasn't believed to be seriously harmed by the substance. CEREAL KILLER?

5-"COPS BELIEVE NORTH CAROLINA INMATE HID 10-INCH REVOLVER IN HIS RECTUM. LUCKILY IT WAS UNLOADED"(the smoking gun, January 13, 2012). "A man arrested this week in North Carolina may have stashed a .38 barrel revolver in his rectum, according to police, who reported that the unloaded 10-inch weapon was not discovered until after the suspect had been booked into a cell in the county jail. Michael Leon Ward, a 22-year-old Georgia resident, was arrested Monday after a trooper spotted him speeding. Ward, who resisted arrest, was subdued with the help of a stun gun...But it was only after Ward--who is a fugitive on a murder warrant out of Atlanta--entered the Onslow County jail that sheriff's investigators discovered what else he possessed. According to cops, Ward…summoned jailers to his cell, claiming that someone was trying to kill him, and that he discovered a gun inside his cell. The weapon was found in the toilet, where Ward claimed he tossed it after finding it in his bunk...Sheriff's investigators say they are investigating how Ward got the weapon into the jail, since he had been 'strip searched prior to being booked into a cell block.' The inmate...was taken to a local hospital 'for possible injuries that may have occurred to Ward's rectum where it is believed Ward may have concealed' the revolver. The gun, deputies reported, was test fired and found to be operational. COPS' ALLEGED FIRST OBSERVATION:"THAT FART SOUNDED JUST LIKE A GUNSHOT."

6-"INTERPOL: 'BUTT SLASHER' SUSPECT ARRESTED IN PERU" (Fairfax County News, Virginia News, WTOP, January 14, 2012). "WASHINGTON-Interpol says the man suspected of slashing women's behinds while they were shopping in Fairfax County stores has been captured in Peru. An Interpol official in Peru tells WTOP Johnny Pimentel, 40, was arrested Friday in a Lima mall...Fairfax County police learned that Pimental had fled to Peru, where he is originally from, in late December. …Nine slashings were reported between February and July of 2011 at malls and shopping centers in the county...Police believe he used a box cutter or something like it...There were no serious injuries reported in the attacks. Police have still not established a motive for the attacks. AN UNNAMED SOURCE MAINTAINS THAT PRIVATELY, PIMENTAL SAID: "PEELING A WOMAN'S ASS IS MY QUICK SOLUTION TO DIETING."

7-AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT: "MCKINNEY SCHOOL DISTRICT DENIES REMOVING BATHROOM DOORS TO PREVENT STUDENTS FROM HAVING SEX" (Huffpost Social News, January 14, 2012). "Students at a high school in McKinney, Texas would like just a little bit more privacy and with good reason--the doors to their bathrooms have been removed. McKinney North High School students and their parents are outraged at the invasion of privacy, but school officials claim the doors to bathroom entrances were removed to 'keep kids safe,'....'We've had a dialog about removing the doors from the restrooms for a couple of years,'...said (a) spokesman. 'The students felt like the reason we were removing them was because of some inappropriate sexual behavior in the restrooms, but that couldn't be further from the truth.'...Parents and students are calling the move an invasion of privacy, but school argues that the students still have the privacy to use the facilities since there is no line of sight from the hallway into the bathrooms. Cunningham told NBCDFW.com that restroom designs without exterior doors are becoming more common in new schools and in other locations such as airports. LET'S SEE HOW IT WORKS OUT WHEN AIRPLANES START DOING IT.

8-HERE'S ONE WAY TO JOIN THE PRIESTHOOD: "A Different Kind of Cell: The Story of a Murderer Who Became a Monk' (HuffPostSocialNews,January 14, 2012) written by Roman Catholic priest Paul Jones 'is the story of my pilgrimage with Clayton A. Fountain, widely regarded as the most dangerous and violent murderer in the history of the US federal prison system. Clayton's deadly spiral began in a violent fight with his sergeant in Vietnam. His attempt to escape prosecution involved an amazing stand-off with a SWAT team. Following his eventual capture, incarceration at Fort Leavenworth was far from successful, with Clayton engineering a daring escape. This book details how Clayton's transfer into successively heightened security prisons merely intensified his apparently untouchable incorrigibility--landing him at Marion, ,the end of the line. Even in solitary confinement at the highest security prison in the nation, Clayton's 'special forces' Marine training served him well as he managed to kill four more persons in succession--with his bare hands…Convinced that Clayton's punishment would ultimately be a complete mental breakdown, the key, in effect, was thrown away--leaving Clayton in total isolation for the rest of his life...My background could not be more different from Clayton's. Academically oriented, I taught at Yale, Princeton, and Saint Paul School of Theology. I was born, raised, and ordained as a Protestant, later becoming a Roman Catholic priest and a Family Brother of Assumption Abbey (Trappist)...I was pulled, in spite of myself, into the vortex of Clayton's unfolding drama--functioning first as his unintended spiritual director, gradually becoming a companion and eventually a friend in his unbelievable spiritual pilgrimage...His transformation began in experiencing love through correspondence with a woman he never could meet. She...encouraged him to seek a spiritual director, suggesting inquiry at a Trappist monastery that she had visited...Clayton began finding a new kind of determination, earning a GED and then teaching himself to type so that he could begin earning funds to begin a college correspondence course...During this time, he acquired his college degree with top honors...He began correspondence work on a PhD, at the time of his death being well on his way with all A's...Clayton Fountain was in fact becoming a gentle, caring person...If Clayton's transformation was authentic, then is anyone beyond the mercy of God? When he unexpectedly died under strange circumstance a cross bearing his name was placed in our monastic cemetery'" HEY, WHAT WERE THOSE STRANGE CIRCUMSTANCES?

9-ARTISTS/​SHMARTISTS: "ZHANG DAQIAN SURPASSES PICASSO AS TOP AUCTION EARNER" (HuffPosr Arts, January 13, 2012). "Chinese artist Zhang Daqian has knocked Picasso from a very high pedestal. The artist generated $506.7 million from auctions in 2011 alone. Close behind the best-seller was another Chinese artist, Qi Baishi. Warhol was third ($324.8 million) and Picasso ($311.6 million)--the former top seller--took fourth...Artinfo reports that it's been a steady and expected climb for the Chinese artists, as the biggest purses in the art world looked east after financial collapses in multiple western markets. The Chinese art market is the largest in the world, and many Chinese collectors have turned to their nation's own modern masters. Zhang lived from 1899 to 1983 and Qi Baishi lived from 1864-1957. Some of Zhang's pieces have sold for tens of millions, including a $14.77 million study of the alps, while Qi Baishi's "A Long Life, a Peaceful World" sold for an astounding $65 million in 2011...Picasso had topped the list 13 times in the past 14 years, according to Artprice, a French research organization that tracks auction sales by artist. Though we're sad to see Picasso get bumped, we also understand the world is quickly changing...MOO GOO GOODBYE PABLO.

10-CRY, DAMMIT! CRY IF YOU WANT TO STAY OUT OF JAIL! "NORTH KOREA TO PUNISH MOURNERS WHO WERE INSINCERE (HuffPost World, January 13, 2012): "You'd better watch out, you'd better cry. You'd better pout, I'm telling you why: North Korea's punishing insincere mourners...according to) the Daily NK, a South Korea-based publication in opposition of the North Korean regime, that 'authorities are handing down at least six months in a labor-training camp to anybody who didn't participate in the organized gatherings to mourn the death of Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il,' and to those 'who did participate but didn't cry and didn't seem genuine.' Newser reports that mourners who came off as insincere have already been sent to join the 200,000 other North Koreans already in labor camps. An Amnesty International report...estimates suggest that 40 percent of inmates die of malnutrition. The exact number of those to be sent to camps is unclear, reports the Daily Mail, but the paper estimates it could be in the thousands. OFF THE RECORD, NORTH KOREAN AUTHORITIES TELL ME THAT PUKING AND VIOLENT BOWL MOVEMENT DON'T REPRESENT "SINCERITY."

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ISSUE 102-December 18, 2011.

By Lawrence Eisenberg

1-CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR—THANK GOD! How many forests have been torn down to provide paper for the donation requests at this time of year? I hear from (a) Schools I attended, and many more from those I didn't, (2) Museums thoughout the country, (3 )Public TV stations, (4)Twenty employees of the building where we live--some we've never met--all of whom collect decent union salaries, (5)"Frankie's Friends," a dog & cat foundation in Tampa:No mention of who Frankie is/​was, (6) Somebody I've never seen, who delivers the morning newspaper to our door, referring to herself as the person who "brings you the New York Time".... BUT Here's a local gem:Until several days ago I had never used—nor heard of--Mitchell's ("The World's Finest Delivery Service"), but the following is a letter I received from them: "On behalf of our employees and management may we take this opportunity to wish you and yours a very HAPPY AND HEALTHY HOLIDAY SEASON.—THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATION FOR GRATUITIES However, since so many of our customers call us every season requesting the names of our drivers(UNDOUBTEDLY TYING UP THE PHONE LINES 24 HOURS-A-DAY), and since there are usually many drivers on each route, we feel obligated to pass this information on to you. If you should desire to participate in the Holiday Gift Pool for the drivers (and once again, please understand that this is entirely up to you), please use the enclosed return envelope. All checks should be made payable to "DELIVERY PEOPLE."
UPDATE: AND, ALL THROUGH THE SEVEN DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS, THEY KEPT FLOWING LIKE NIAGARA FALLS.
I'M WRITING A NOTE TO SANTA, ASKING HIM TO LOAD HIS SLED WITH HUGE BASKETS OF CASH FOR ALL THOSE NEEDY PEOPLE & ANIMALS--AND TO PAY MY RENT FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS......ME--NEEDY? DON'T BE ABSURD!.

2-"FORMER WORLD'S FATTEST MAN BEGS FOR NHS OPERATION TO REMOVE FOLDS OF SKIN AFTER LOSING 40 STONE." (MailOnline, November 26, 2011). "A British man who at one time was the fattest in the world is pleading with the NHS (NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE) to remove unsightly flaps of flesh after he managed to lose more than half of his body weight. Paul Mason, 50, who weighed 60 stone (BRITISH "STONE" EQUALS 14 POUNDS) two years ago, underwent a gastric bypass after he was told he otherwise faced certain death. But he has been left with rolls of unsightly excess skin after the extreme weight loss and now needs an operation to remove the flaps hanging from his stomach, arms and legs. NHS bosses have refused to perform cosmetic surgery, insisting that he needs to maintain a stable weight before it can be considered. ..But Mr Mason, who can now leave the house in a motorised wheelchair, said: 'I ..…need this operation to be able to get my life back, to be able to get back into society.' The former postman...used to consume 20,000 calories a day, 10 times the normal for the average man. He said his binge eating was spurred by heartbreak in his twenties at the time...of his father's death and a deterioration in his mother's health....(He)sometimes went naked to avoid having to get dressed... Mr Mason will have to pay around £1,500 to £6,000 ($1.60 TO A POUND)if he wants to have the surgery privately…His care bill costs taxpayers an estimated £100,000 a year and it is believed to have topped £1million over the past 15 years On one occasion firefighters had to be called out to demolish the front wall of his former home so they could drive a fork lift truck inside to lift him out and put him into an ambulance when he needed a hernia operation in 2002. MAKES ONE WONDER WHY BRITISH MONEY IS CALLED "POUNDS."

3-"COMTEL PLANE PASSENGERS PONY UP FOR FUEL AS AIRLINE GOES BROKE" (msnbc.com, 11/​17/​11). "Passengers on a Comtel Air charter flight from Amritsar, India to Birmingham, England had to pony up roughly $31,500 for fuel during a stopover in Vienna…after the Austrian airline went broke as the plane made the first leg of its flight….The Birmingham Mail reports that as many as 600 people may have been stranded by the company suddenly going bust…The 180 furious passengers stuck in Vienna sat on the runway for six hours before agreeing with the crew's pleas to disembark. Once on the ground, they were escorted to ATMs, where they withdrew enough money to get the flight back in the air. Some of the 180 passengers told the Mail they had been 'held to ransom,' even though they had paid almost $800 on average for tickets. " I BET THAT COMTEL CHARGED FOR COFFEE.

4-MAN BUSTED SHIPPING "PENIS ENLARGERS" TO HELP BLADDER CONTROL (November 17, WLSAM.com & Associated Press). "Providence, R.I.: An Illinois man accused of shipping unwanted penis enlargers to diabetes patients as part of a Medicare fraud scheme has pleaded not guilty in an arraignment in federal court in Providence...The deal calls for...49-year-old Gary Winner to admit he bought $26 penis enlargers from an adult website, repackaged them and shipped them to patients with information claiming the "erectile pumps" helped 'bladder control, urinary flow and prostate comfort.' Prosecutors say Winner billed Medicare an average of $284 for each item, claimi9ng they were used to treat erectile dysfunction. Winner could face up to 33 years in prison. (a) WINNER? PERFECT NAME FOR A LOSER.(b)UNWANTED PENIS ENLARGER? WHAT GUY DOESN'T WANT ONE?

5-EXPRESSIONS THAT PUZZLE ME:(1) "Watch your back."(HOW CAN YOU WATCH YOUR BACK UNLESS (HERE'S ANOTHER) YOU "HAVE EYES IN BACK OF YOUR HEAD"? (2) "He breaks his silence." IS THAT A CUTE DEFINITION FOR "FART"?

6-"MAN ENTERING HOMES AROUND UVA AND GROPING MEN" (Daily Progress Staff Reports, November 18, 2011)."Multiple male victims have reported being sexually assaulted by a male suspect in a series of nighttime incidents at residences near the University of Virginia….Larceny is not a motive, and in each case victims reported awakening to find themselves being groped....UVa spokeswoman Carol Wood reminded students to be alert of their surroundings and to remember to lock windows and doors. WHY ALL THE FUSS? THE GROPER WAS ONLY TRYING TO FIND OUT WHETHER HE WAS ELIGIBLE FOR THE PRIESTHOOD OR A JOB AS AN ATHLETIC COACH.

7-DID THEY PUT CASTING COUCHES INTO BABY CRIBS? "RECENT CHARGES OF SEXUAL ABUSE OF CHILDREN IN HOLLYWOOD JUST TIP OF ICEBERG, EXPERTS SAY"(FoxNews.com, December 5, 2011). Allison Arngrim (who starred on Little House on the Prairie,) said stories about Corey Feldman and Corey Haim being abused as child stars were common in the 1980s and 90s...The past two weeks have brought three separate reports of alleged child sexual abuse in the entertainment industry. Martin Weiss, a 47-year-old Hollywood manager who represented child actors, was charged in Los Angeles...with sexually abusing a former client. His accuser, who was under 12 years old during the time of the alleged abuse, reported to authorities that Weiss told him 'what they were doing was common practice in the entertainment industry.'...On Nov. 21, Fernando Rivas, 59, an award-winning composer for Sesame Street, was arraigned on charges of coercing a child 'to engage in sexually explicit conduct' in South Carolina....Registered sex offender Jason James Murphy, 35, worked as a casting agent in Hollywood for years before his past kidnapping and sexual abuse of a boy was revealed by the Los Angeles Times on Nov. 17. Murphy's credits include placing young actors in kid-friendly fare like Bad News Bears, The School of Rock, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and the forthcoming Three Stooges. Revelations of this sort come as no surprise to former child star Corey Feldman. Feldman, 40, himself a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, unflinchingly warned of the world of pedophiles who are drawn to the entertainment industry...: 'I can tell you that the No. 1 problem in Hollywood was and is and always will be pedophilia,' Feldman told ABC's Nightline. 'That's the biggest problem for children in this industry'...'This has been going on for a very long time,' concurs former Little House on the Prairie star Alison Arngrim. 'It was the gossip back in the '80s. People said, 'Oh yeah, the Coreys, everyone's had them.' People talked about it like it was not a big deal.' Arngrim, 49, was referring to Feldman and his co-star in The Lost Boys, Corey Haim, who died in March 2010 after years of drug abuse. 'I literally heard that they were passed around...It was awful--these were kids, they weren't 18 yet...Feldman, who claims he was 'surrounded' by pedophiles when he was 14, says the sexual abuse by an unnamed 'Hollywood mogul' led to the death of his friend Haim at the age of 38. 'That person needs to be exposed, but, unfortunately, I can't be the one to do it.'...Says Arngrim: 'I'm sure that it was not just one person who sexually abused Corey Haim, and I'm sure it wasn't only him and Corey Feldman that knew about it. I'm sure that dozens of people were aware of the situation and chose to not report it.' Arngrim, a board member and the national spokeswoman for protect.org, an organization that works to protect children from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, says greed in Hollywood allows sexual predators to flourish. 'Nobody wants to stop the gravy train,' says Arngrim. 'If a child actor is being sexually abused by someone on the show, is the family, agents or managers--the people who are getting money out of this--going to say, "OK, let's press charges'?" No, because it's going to bring the whole show to a grinding halt, and stop all the checks...From my perspective, what Corey did was pretty brave. It would be really wonderful if his allegations reached through all of the protective layers and identified the real people who are a part of a worldwide child pornography ring, because it's huge and it respects no borders.' ACCORDING TO REPS FOR PRIESTS, ATHLETIC COACHES AND MORE THAN A FEW POLITICIANS, "DON'T BLAME OUR GUYS FOR EVERYTHING!"

8-"POLICE: 2 GEORGIA CAREGIVERS WATERBOARD 89-YEAR-OLD WOMAN" (CBS Atlanta, November 18, 2011). "JONESBORO, Ga.: Police charge two caregivers at a Jonesboro facility with waterboarding an 89-year-old woman: Jermeller Steed and Cicely Reed ...allegedly held down Anna Foley in a locked shower room, flooding her face with the hand-hold shower nozzle in 2008…after an argument that started over ice cream...Foley was undergoing treatment at the facility for dementia...The technique slowly drowns subjects by blocking the air passages with flowing water while the subject is immobilized. The Obama administration banned waterboarding suspected terrorists in January 2009, classifying it as torture. Neither Steed nor Reed currently work at the elderly care facility. ARE THEY NOW MEMBERS OF CONGRESS?

9-"JOSE PIMENTEL SMOKED MARIJUANA WITH NYPD INFORMANT, TRIED TO CIRCUMCISE HIMSELF."(Huffpost, November 22, 2011)."Jose Pimentel, the 'lone wolf' terrorist arrested for plotting to blow up police stations and postal offices with homemade bombs, smoked marijuana with the NYPD's cooperating informant in the case, and was likely high when making some of the incriminating statements recorded by police... Pimentel, who's facing up to 25 years in prison for criminal possession of a weapon in the first degree as a crime of terrorism, also tried to circumcise himself. Pimentel converted to Islam two years ago and Muslims are typically encouraged to be circumcised. …Investigators were concerned that the case raised some entrapment questions…Some wondered whether Mr. Pimentel had the even small amount of money or technical know-how necessary to produce a pipe bomb on his own, had he not received help from the informer. Pimentel's attorney Joseph Zablocki told CBS, "I don't think this case is nearly as strong as the people believe, He has this very