|
Eisenberg's GrapevineISSUE 75-JUNE 4, 2009 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-DICK (SO APTLY NAMED) GOES ON...AND ON: According to Sam Stein (Huffington Post, May 8),"Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the Bush administration's use of waterboarding...saying that, contrary to arguments made by Barack Obama, the techniques were a necessary last-resort measure to get information from detainees...The remarks, delivered during an interview with Scott Hennen, a conservative North Dakota radio host, glossed over the 266 instances in which the United States reportedly used waterboarding on two terrorist suspects--a figure that would suggest the technique was either not effective or not really used as a last-resort option." Hey, Dick, get onto the waterboard for a few hours. Don't worry--only humans die. 2-FANTASY: I went to the New York State Labor Department's Office of Unemployment Insurance and applied. The clerk asked, "When were you last on a payroll?" I said: "January 1981." She smirked, twirled her mustache and said, through minimal teeth, "What makes you think you're eligible for unemployment insurance?" I responded: "I'm an illegal alien." My weekly checks should start arriving in two weeks. 3-REALITY, MY ASS: Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, is about to get her own reality TV show, produced by Eyeworks International's subsidiary, (I'm not joking) 3Ball Productions, creators of such other classy reality programming as Breaking Bonaduce and Beauty and the Geek. According to an executive, the show, which hasn't yet been sold, "will document such milestones as birthdays and special events." (A.P., May 31, 2009). And, as a play on a 1922 song about Carolina, they can call it: "Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Your Vagina In the Morning." 4—CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF OCTOMOM? Last month, worldwide media reported that Nadya was about to have half her uterus removed (in a hospital, not at a party). Later reports revealed that she was lying. In case you care: She was having a myomectomy, which removes fibroids from the uterus. Hey, isn't this the perfect time for her to team up with Joe the Plumber (nee Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher), who has deserted the Republican party? Can you imagine the kids they would turn (churn?) out? 5- YUMMY! THIS DRINK IS SO INVIGORATING! "Hong Kong officials have found traces of cocaine in cans of Red Bull, a few days after Taiwanese authorities confiscated close to 18,000 cases of the popular energy drink. Officials at the Centre for Food Safety said a laboratory analysis found tiny amounts of the illegal drug in samples of Red Bull Cola, Red Bull Sugar-free and Red Bull Energy Drink. (Agence France Presse, June 2, 2009). "The drink has.been taken off the shelves of major supermarkets, a spokesman said, (adding) "that the amount of cocaine found in the drinks posed little health danger." Red Bull moved quickly to deny the findings and said independent tests on the same batch of drinks had found no traces of cocaine. The Centre for Food Safety found traces of cocaine between 0.1 and 0.3 micrograms of the illegal drug per liter. Is it true that the company's original name was Red Bullshit? 6-YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S SITTING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CURTAIN: "A Vatican official is lamenting that many faithful no longer confess their sins, and says some confuse a psychologist's couch for a confessional booth."(A.P., June 2, 2009). "Archbishop Mauro Piacenza has told Vatican Radio the sacrament of penance has been experiencing a 'deep crisis' for decades. Piacenza, an official for the Vatican office on clergy, says fewer people distinguish between good and evil, and as a result don't go to confession.” Or, because of many recent revelations, some people aren't sure whether they're confessing to a child molester. 7-WELL, IF TORI SPELLING CAN GET PUBLISHED.....Sarah Palin has picked a collaborator for her memoir, (AP, May 22). A spokeswoman for SarahPAC, the Alaska governor's political action committee, says that Palin has selected Lynn Vincent, an author and features editor for World magazine, a conservative Christian publication. Palin's book, currently untitled, is scheduled for release next year by HarperCollins. Title? Pick One: (a)"I’m The 52nd State" (b)"Fame Was Never My Aim" (c)"Moose Turds Are Diamonds To Me." 8-MORONIC TV SHOW OF THE YEAR (CENTURY?): "I'M A CELEBRITY...GET ME OUT OF HERE!" These "celebrities"--Ex-Governor Shmucko Blagojevich's wife, "American Idol" loser Sanjaya Malakar and a Baldwin (the better-known participants)--haven't even risen to "has-been" status. The Emmys should create a new category--"SuperLosers." 9-IS CONTRIBUTING TO OLD FAITHFUL SUCH A CRIME? Two seasonal Yellowstone National Park concession workers have been fired after a live webcam caught them urinating into the Old Faithful geyser (A.P., May 14, 2009). Park spokesman Al Nash says a 23-year-old man on Tuesday was fined $750 and placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. The man also was banned from Yellowstone for two years. The second employee's case is pending. The geyser was not erupting at the time. MY FAVORITE OF MORE THAN 100 ONLINE COMMENTS: "Did they wash their hands before returning to work?" 10-DID GAUGUIN MEAN TO CUT OFF SOMETHING ELSE? In a new book, 'Van Gogh's Ear: Paul Gauguin and the Pact of Silence', the authors "contend Van Gogh let everyone think he had mutilated himself in order to protect Gauguin from prosecution, Britain's Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph reported..."(AOL, MAY 4, 2009). "...Van Gogh has been depicted as a tortured genius who sliced off his own ear in a fit of madness...But the book contends it was actually Paul Gauguin who chopped off the organ with a sword after the two artists argued over a prostitute...Two years (later) Van Gogh, at the age of 37, shot himself." Here's another possibility:Vince was complaining bitterly, "I have a horrible headache." A friend said, "Don't kill yourself over it. I'll get you some aspirin and they'll take the pain away." Vincent, with limited hearing, only heard the words "...Kill yourself...and take the pain away." The rest is history. 10a-And a sure-thing for a TV reality show. ******************************************************* ISSUE 74-MAY 4, 2009 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-HEY DICK, IF THERE'S STILL ROOM IN YOUR MOUTH, STICK A GUN INTO IT: Dick Cheney told Fox News Channel's Sean Hannity that President Obama's handshake with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez "was not helpful" and could lead "foes" of the U.S. to "think they're dealing with a weak President." Well, who would know better what life is like dealing with a weak President? 2-MORE ABOUT MR. WONDERFUL AND HIS GANG: According to A.P. (April 23), "In the spring of 2003 the Director of Central Intelligence sought a reaffirmation of the legality of (U.S.) interrogation methods (including waterboarding). Cheney, Rice, then-Attorney General John Ashcroft and White House counsel Alberto Gonzales were among those at a meeting where it was decided that the policies would continue." 3-SUGGESTED VATICAN SLOGAN FOR CERTAIN PRIESTS: No Child's Behind Left Behind. 4-AT LAST: SILENCE IN THE FRONT SEAT: New York's Taxi & Limousine Commission is considering blocking cab drivers' cell phones (CBS, April 14). Now they'll have to figure out something else to attach to their turbans. Unfortunately for drivers, passengers will still be able to scream idiotic chatter into their phones. 5-FAT, FAT, THE WATER RAT: 60 BULLETS IN YOUR HAT (OR YOUR OTHER END): United Airlines has announced that, in the future, it will charge overweight passengers for two seats on a flight (CBS, April 150). A relief for passengers who have to spend an entire flight sitting on the edge of their seatmate's ass. 6-MORE FAT NEWS: "Fatties Cause Global Warming." (Headline in London Sun): "Scientists warned that the increase in big-eaters means more food production--a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming the planet. "Overweight people are also more likely to drive, adding to environmental damage." Dr Phil Edwards, of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said: "Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler. Each fat person is said to be responsible for emitting a ton more of climate-warming carbon dioxide per year than a thin one..." According to the World Health Organization's estimates of overweight people, "It means an extra billion tons of CO2 a year is created. The scientists say providing extra grub for them to guzzle adds to carbon emissions that heat up the world, melting polar ice caps, raising sea levels and killing rain forests." Dr. Edwards sums up: "A staggering 40 per cent of Americans are obese, among 300 million worldwide." 7-SNAKES ON A PLANE (NOT THE MOVIE): Four baby pythons escaped from a container aboard an Australian passenger plane flying from Alice Springs to Melbourne, leading to a search that forced the cancellation of two flights (A.P., April 16). The good news: Although full-grown pythons range in size from 33 feet to 23 inches, the ones on the flight were non-venomous, harmless baby Stimsons pythons, 6 inches long. On another airline they might have been served as lunch.. 8-SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE PREFERRED SNAKES: A 28-year-old man urinated on a 66-year-old woman during a Continental Airlines flight last month from Los Angeles to Honolulu (A.P. April 19) "Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, a resident of the U.S. Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, was sentenced after pleading guilty to assault charges in a Honolulu court. The victim was headed to Hawaii on March 21 for a scuba diving vacation and was watching an in-flight movie when Kingzio stood up and began urinating on her. He had been drinking on the flight (And didn't know where the restrooms were?). A U.S. attorney said the woman reported that not only was her entire vacation ruined, but she continues to suffer emotionally from the incident." Imagine if Kingzio had done the other thing. 8A: I PROMISE: NO MORE AIRPLANE OR FAT ITEMS TODAY. 9-IS IT JUST ME? During my childhood, early and later adult years I never heard of any male named Seth. Now every other guy seems to have that name. Where were they hiding? 10-POOR ANIMALS. THEY DIDN'T OVER-INVEST OR TOSS THEIR MONEY AROUND: Cash-strapped 114-year-old Bronx Zoo officials told a New York City Council committee on April 24 (CBS)that, in order to end a $15 million budget shortfall "they need to send away deer, bats, foxes, antelopes," porcupines, South American relatives of the llama, and primates, including night monkeys "to zoos around the country. Is it possible that they could take Cheney with them?....Then again, they're being punished enough. *************************************************** ISSUE 73-APRIL 2, 2009 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-THE DECIDER GETS A $7 MILLION BOOK CONTRACT: Commenting about his forthcoming book, "Decision Points", scheduled for publication by Crown in 2010, former President George W. Bush said: "I want people to understand the environment in which I was making decisions." (A.P. ,March 19). "I want people to get a sense of how decisions were made and I want people to understand the options that were placed before me." No information about who will translate Bush's manuscript into English. 2-FAT IS THE NEW BLACK: "More To Love," a TV show devoted to dating among overweight contestants, is about to join Fox-TVs lineup (The Live Feed/ ............Fat and Skinny had a race, ............Fat fell down and broke his face. 3-POOR BABY- Joe the Plumber is suing three former state officials in Ohio, saying they violated his privacy when they gathered his personal information in a records search. (A.P.). Joey, nee Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, "says in the federal lawsuit...that he suffered emotional distress, harassment, humiliation and embarrassment as a result of their actions. He's seeking unspecified punitive damages.” Stuff a plunger in it, Joe. 4-JOE THE PLUMBER MEET TRUMP THE BUMMER- Donald Trump was sued on March 13 by 69 buyers who lost millions of dollars in deposits on a failed hotel-condo--Trump Ocean Resort Baja--in the Mexican border city of Tijuana (A.P.). The buyers paid deposits totaling between $18 and $20 million, said their attorney and were told last month that the luxury oceanfront project was being scrapped and that there was no money left to refund deposits. The complaint, filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, seeks unspecified damages against Trump, his children Ivanka and Donald Jr. and others, including Los Angeles developer Irongate Capital Partners LLC. Trump claims his only relationship to the project was licensing his name for a fee. According to sources, he will argue that he was not a direct investor in the project.To the tune of "Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire." 5-THE POPE'S NEW DOPE: Newt Gingrich has converted from Baptism to Catholicism (N.Y. Times, April 1). No reason was announced, but speculation suggests it might be because Callista Bisek, his third wife, is Catholic. Let's hope that his fourth wife isn't Jewish. As my mother might have said: "Who needs him?" 6-OVERHEARD IN A GYM LOCKER ROOM BY MY SON, PAUL: "Two 70-year-old men were chatting and here's what I heard one of them say: 'A few years back a friend of mine had scoliosis. He never did anything about it because he died of prostate cancer.'" 7-AT LAST—BLABBERS GET PUNISHED! New York City police issued 9,016 tickets during a 24-hour crackdown on phoning-while-driving (N.Y. Post, March 15). Jokers caught driving "while using a hand-held phone could be fined $120. Taxi drivers...can receive a $200 summons from the Taxi and Limousine Commission for using even a hands-free phone while driving." Now let's get moving on tickets-—or beatings--for the morons who scream into cellphones while sitting on a city bus. 8-FUTURE CHAIN STORES FOR CHURCH APPAREL AND CRUCIFIXES:GoysRUs. 9-GRAPEVINE'S CURRENT STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR BETWEEN FLOORS FOR 28 HOURS--JOINING PERENNIALS DONALD TRUMP, BERNIE MADOFF, SARAH PALIN, REVEREND AL SHARPTONGUE AND HOWIE MANDEL: Amy Winehouse, Dr. Phil and Rush Limbaugh. Cleaning up the mess will be Nadya ("Octomom"/ 10-RUBBER BLUBBER: A spokesman for the United States Agency for International Development, responding to the news that the U.S. is about to start buying condoms manufactured in China, said they're less expensive than those made in this country (Kansas City Star). Aside from eliminating 300 U.S. jobs, these new condoms will be coming from a country that, over recent years, has exported defective pet food, leaden toys, tainted toothpaste, fish riddled with antibiotics (a possible cancer-causing agent) and, more recently, defective drywall, which, according to some Florida home owners, corrodes copper wiring, including that in some air conditioners. Let's Have A Round Of Applause, AKA: Clap-Clap. *************************************************************************************************************** ISSUE 72-MARCH 2, 2009 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-SUGGESTED BOLLYWOOD FILM ABOUT BERNIE MADOFF: "Scumbag Millionaire." 2-OBVIOUSLY ANYBODY CAN GET ELECTED: During a February 22 speech, Republican U.S. Senator Jim Bunning, of Kentucky, said he supports conservative judges, "and that's going to be in place very shortly because Ruth Bader Ginsburg...has cancer...The kind that you don't get better from." (Louisville Courier Journal). The following day, obviously after some prodding, he announced, "I apologize if my comments offended Justice Ginsburg." Now why should Ginsburg have been offended by a moron? 3-CAN THE TV NETWORKS GIVE US ONE DAY OF REST FROM THE LATEST REVELATIONS ABOUT LUNATIC/ 4-IF YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS, JUST NOD. OH....YOU DON'T HAVE A HEAD? While serving a prison sentence for having sex with a headless corpse, Kenneth Douglas, 55, a former employee of the Hamilton County, Ohio morgue, was reindicted "after officials came up with 15 cases they believe could have involved Douglas, including two that contained semen belonging" to the guy. (Cincinnati.com, February 27). When he told pals that he had a blind date.....? 5-TIME TO RENEW! DON'T WASTE A MINUTE! Mailboxes of the country are jammed with cheery letters from magazines, suggesting that it's time to renew subscriptions, even though yours still has two years to run---or you never had one. How many trees had to be cut down to make paper for these con jobsters? 6-WILL THERE BE AN ADDITIONAL CHARGE FOR DIARRHEA? Ryanair, an English airline, is considering charging passengers £1 ($1.40) to use the lavatory on its flights, according to its chief executive Michael O'Leary (Telegraph Co. UK, February 27), who added that the low-cost airline was looking at the possibility of installing a coin slot on the lavatory door so that "people might actually have to spend a pound to spend a penny." Possible flight attendant query: "Would you like custard, mustard or a turd?" 7-A BOOB IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD: A Harrison Township, Ohio woman faces child endangering charges after police said she admitted to breastfeeding her child and talking on a cell phone while driving (Dayton Daily News, February 27). "A male motorist called the police department...to report that he had seen the woman breastfeeding and talking on a cell phone while driving. (He also) reported that he witnessed the woman driving...into the parking lot of a local school and saw some children get out of the van. "I tried to say something to her. She literally has the little girl on the steering wheel and I said, 'I can't believe you have that kid in your lap' and she said, 'You want to pop your titty out and breastfeed this kid?' I'm like, 'You can feed your kid when you stop.' It's like wet out here. It's full of traffic. It's ridiculous. She's got like three other kids in the car." Did they check out what she was doing with her feet?" 8-DON CORLEONE MUST BE BLUSHING: "A transvestite Mafia boss has been arrested by cops in what is believed to be the first case of its kind in the world (London Sun, February 23)." Ugo Gabriele, 27, who insisted on being called Kitty, "was held by armed officers in a raid which also saw 27 other mobsters arrested. Cross-dressing Gabriele, who had long blonde hair, ran a sophisticated drugs and prostitution racket in Naples, Italy, and his clan had dozens of members. His mugshot showed him as thick set and butch looking--but he also had very defined plucked eyebrows and was wearing lipstick." Boy, Kitty was a "made guy" in every sense of the word. 9-WHOEVER SAID "NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED" WAS REWARDED ON FEBRUARY 26 when Jim Moffett, a 58-year-old bus driver got injured while helping push three of his departing passengers out of the way of a pickup truck on a Denver street (A.P.). "Moffett (who)suffered bleeding in the brain, broken bones, a dislocated shoulder and a possible ruptured spleen," was issued a citation by a state patrolman, who said that jaywalking had contributed to the accident. See, Moffett should have walked to the corner, waited for the light to change and then helped pick up the bodies. That's the right way to do things in Denver. 10-JUST ONE MORE MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: After a Dallas hardware store made former (hooray!) President George W. Bush a jokey offer of a job as a greeter, he made a surprise appearance and thrilled the pants off everybody. (A.P., February 22). Why didn't they make him that offer in 2000? ************************************************** ISSUE 71-JANUARY 27, 2009 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-A MUST "GET" IF IT'S STILL AVAILABLE: Shop.Newsweek.com is offering a 2009 Sarah Palin calendar with "over 50 photos of Palin & her family." Cost: only $15.95, which includes a gift of a "Reagan’s Laughs" cd. And here's the best part: It comes with "pre-drilled hole for hanging and cellophane-wrapped." Let's take a vote: How many of you would like to see Sarah that way? 2-EDWARD R. MURROW IS SPINNING: Samuel Wurzelbacher, known internationally as "Joe the Plumber," journeyed to Israel for 10 days earlier this month on assignment from Pajamas Media (Obviously a division of Jockstraps International). Turned out he's as good at reporting as he is at cleaning drains: Standing in front of a pile of spent rockets, he said,: "I have thousands of questions but I can't think of the right one." 3-CONTEST: In 25 words or less, provide an answer for: ***Sarah Palin or Joe the Plumber-- ***Which One Do You Think Is Dumber? First prize will be five days and nights—with all meals—at the Gaza Hilton. 4-GRAPEVINE'S SEASONAL "STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR BETWEEN FLOORS FOR 19 HOURS": Rod Blagojevich & Bernard Madoff. 5-DON'T SNEEZE ON ME, FATSO! British scientists have announced that obesity can be "caught" as easily as a common cold from other people's coughs, sneezes and dirty hands (London Daily Express, January 26, 2009). They believe that "an airborne 'adenovirus' germ could be causing the fat plague that is blighting Britain and other countries. As many as one in three obese people may have become overweight after falling victim to the highly infectious cold-like virus, known as AD-36. It is known to cause coughs, sore throats, diarrhoea and conjunctivitis but has now also been found to make fat cells multiply, leading to weight gain…… Research suggests a third of UK adults will be grossly overweight within three years, with Britain even predicted to overtake the US as the most obese nation in the world." Maybe Guiness Stout was a forewarning. 6-SHOE-THROWING IS LEGAL IN SWITZERLAND? Muntadhar al-Zeidi, the Iraqui journalist who threw his shoes at former President Bush, is seeking political asylum in Switzerland. According to his Geneva-based lawyer (A.P.), "his life is in danger if he stays in Iraq." Otherwise, staying in Iraq is just one fun day after another. 7-HASN'T ANY SHOE MANUFACTURER TRIED TO DUPLICATE THOSE POTENTIAL BEST-SELLERS? 7A-IF HE HAD THROWN THEM AT CHENEY WOULD THEY HAVE BOUNCED BACK? 8-ONE WAY TO CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF A DEPARTED ONE: Robert Lee Lewis, an employee at the Higginbotham Funeral Home in Walnut Ridge, Arkansas, was arrested by local police when they checked out the basement and found all the components necessary to build a meth lab (A.P.). Was Lee gutsy or what? The funeral home is across the street from the sheriff's office. 9-WHAT'S WRONG WITH TAKING YOUR TIME? Wang Guiying, a 107-year-old Chinese woman who was afraid to marry when she was young,has decided to look for her first husband (She grew up watching her uncles and other men scold and beat their wives. "All the married people lived like that. Getting married was too frightening"). She hopes to find a fellow centenarian so they will have something to talk about (Reuters). The reason: Wang was worried that she was becoming a burden to her aging nieces and nephews since breaking her leg when she was 102 and had to stop doing chores like washing her clothes. Well, they're a bit young for the job, but Hugh Hefner and Ronald Perelman might be available. 10-BOO-HOO, SHITTYGROUP--BUSH AND CHENEY AREN'T AROUND ANYMORE TO BACK YOU UP: After a report that Citigroup--which had received $45 billion in government bailout funds--was about to buy a new $50 million, 12-seat corporate jet, officials of the Obama administration called Citigroup and told execs to "fix it" (ABC News, January 27, 2008). They caved. Some of them may have been raised in caves. ******************************************************* ISSUE 70-DECEMBER 6, 2008 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-HERE'S AN ISSUE THAT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED FOR NEXT YEAR'S ELECTIONS: Elimination Of All Same Sex Locker Rooms. 2-MANILOUD: Fort Lupton, Colorado Municipal Judge Paul Sacco punishes noise violators by forcing them to listen to Barry Manilow music for one hour (AP, November 22, 2008). "These people should have to listen to music they don't like," said the judge, who added that this punishment has cut down on the number of repeat offenders. "Most kids don't want to hear somebody like Glenn Close trying to sing opera." Come on, how loud do they have to scream to be rewarded by Glenn warbling "Sì. Mi chiamano Mimì"? 3-TRANSFAT AIRLINES: Obese people have the right to two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada, the Supreme Court of Canada has ruled (Reuters, November 20, 2008), denying an appeal by Air Canada, Air Canada Jazz and WestJet. It's only a matter of time before chubs demand sofas. 4-BLUEBALLROOM: On November 29, Public Television's WLIW presented a concert in Vienna, conducted by Andre Rieu. During regular intermissions, a staff member requested donations and also announced—frequently--that the orchestra will perform live on April 23, 2009 at New York's ”Hammersteen Ballroom." Oscar may be twirling. Shouldn't those culture vultures know that it's pronounced Hammerstyne? 5-EVEN THE DEAD WEREN'T GRATEFUL: From the second balcony in Jersey City's Nighclub, during a Grateful Dead tribute concert, two-term local councilman Steve Lipski urinated onto people in the orchestra. Despite testimony from victims below, Lipski spent a couple of days reassuring pals and contributors "that it was a spilled drink--not No.1-- that got him in hot water." (New York Daily News, November 9, 2008). Police charged him with simple assault. Next time he should consider donating his urine to the recycling machine in the space shuttle. He might get a tax deduction. 6-WHAT’S IN A NAME? DON’T ASK! In 1979, Harvey & Bob Weinstein, created a movie company, Miramax, named after their parents: Miriam & Max. My Fantasy: They named the company after two grandmothers, Polly & Esther. 7-GOODBYE DALAI, WELL GOODBYE DALAI: "Sexual pressure, sexual desire, actually I think is short period satisfaction and often, that leads to more complication," the Dalai Lama told reporters in a Lagos hotel (Breitbart TV, November 28, 2008), "Naturally...some kind of desire for sex comes, but then you use human intelligence...those couples always full of trouble. And in some cases there is suicide, murder." He added: The "consolation" in celibacy is that although "we miss something, but at the same time, compare whole life, it's better, more independence, more freedom." Hey, Dalai, your last overnight companion said, "He's right. After one night with him I wanted to kill myself." 8-PLAXICO BURRESS IS AN AMATEUR: Carolyn Havens, of Springfield, Ohio, is in critical condition after police say her husband, Timothy, shot her while they were having sex (WLWT.COM, December 3, 2008). Tim "told Springfield police he was reaching for something on the nightstand when the pistol went off, hitting his estranged wife, Carolyn, in the upper chest." 9-"IT'S NOT JUST WOMEN WHO ARE INTERESTED IN MATCHING THE CARPET TO THE DRAPES," says Nancy Jarecki, proprietor of Betty Beauty, the line of dyes for "hair down there." (Page Six, November 30, 2008). "We've sold 160,000 units to date, and business keeps growing," Nancy says. Adding that so many men have bought the product that she plans to launch a "Betty for Men" line early next year. The most popular color is "definitely hot pink. People really seem to have fun with that one." It's only a matter of time before she develops "Betty For Excretions." 10-YOU WON'T HEAR THIS IN ANY CHRISTMAS STORIES: Before his betrayal of Jesus, Judas secretly shortened his name from Judas Iscariottsteinawicz because he thought it was too Jewish. **************************************************** ISSUE 69-NOVEMBER 10, 2008 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-BY CRACKY....NOW THAT SARAH PALIN IS BACK IN ALASKA—busily governing and preparing for the birth of a (maybe) legitimate grandchild, she might find the time to glance at the rest of the world through the various windows in her Wasilla home. Her favorite moment will probably come in February when she can watch Rio de Janeiro’s Carnaval from one of her bathroom windows. She comments: "Why are you so surprised? Rio is right next to Russia." 2-QUERIED AS TO WHAT WARDROBE PLANS SHE HAD FOR HER 2012 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, Governor Palin responded: "Wardrobe-Shmardrobe!.......I learned that from Tina Fey." 2 (B)-DICK CHENEY WAS ABOUT TO INVITE SARAH TO GO HUNTING: But a staffer talked him out of it, fearing that Palin might mistake Cheney for a moose. 3-HERE COMES THE BARBIE: THE Muslim wedding of Mohammad Waseem, a seven-year-old boy and Nishain Karachi, a five-year-old girl--attended by 100 guests in Karachi--was raided by Pakistani police (WFAA-TV, November 2, 2008). TV footage showed both children in traditional wedding clothes in the laps of policemen after the raid – the girl with tears running down her cheeks. The parents (aka shmucks) said the wedding had been arranged to end an eight-year feud between the two families. And they'd agreed to share babysitting duties. 4-PERFECT NAME FOR AN AMBULANCE : Sick Transit (The obvious manufacturer would be Gloria Mundi, Inc.). 5-WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? Hopper Pizza, topped with eight frogs' legs and capers, is being offered by Eco, a London restaurant chain, for only £17.95 ($28,33). Immediately, spokespeople for Animal Aids (London Sun, October 16, 2008), urged citizens to boycott the restaurant because "The animals typically have their limbs hacked off while still alive, having been captured by the bucketload from the wild in countries like Indonesia....I cannot believe people are so desperate to entertain their palates that they want to be part of this vicious and callous trade." Chef Sami Wasif called it "Refined...I've been making pizza for more than 20 years and know that London is a city always looking for something new...I might try one with snails on it next." Hey, give Australia a break. How about Kangaroo Pizza---with an attached little pocket for additional cheese? 6-YOU'LL NEVER FIND HER ON A PIZZA: Carla, a 10-year-old, 10-inch angelfish, who lives in the London Aquarium, had her hernia repaired during a 30-minute surgery (London Sun, October 29, 2008). Water was pumped through her body and over her gills so she could breathe during the £500 procedure. She has now fully recovered and James Oliver, of the London Aquarium, said: “I guess it's a bit extreme to operate on a small tropical fish, but she's almost family." And, like other family members, she shrieks every time she gets a root canal procedure. 7-WHAT MANIACAL ADMAN CAME UP WITH THE IDEA of using irritating Emeril Lagasse, aka Chef De Latrine, in a commercial for Crest toothpaste? Many of his recipes are tasty, and he's almost bearable in a kitchen, but would you want him in the bathroom with you while you're brushing your teeth? 8-NOT ALL SAN FRANCISCANS HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: An Election Day proposal to rename the city's Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant as “The George W. Bush Sewage Plant" was nixed, 69% to 31% (San Francisco Chronicle, November 5, 2008). Well, a third of San Francisco voters have the guts to imply that he's full of shit. 9-A GLITCH OVER TROUBLED WATERS: "Women on Waves," a Netherlands organization—and ship--is offering onboard abortions to women whose home countries don't allow them (Ireland in 2001, Poland in 2003 and Portugal in 2004) sparking protests. (TypicallySpanish.com, October 17, 2008). The latest controversy occurred off the port of Valencia, Spain, when the city's conservative mayor termed the plan a "provocation that has sparked indignation." Valencia's anti-abortion group, Provida, protested aboard smaller vessels when the boat arrived, but they failed to stop it from docking. SUGGESTED MOTTO: If You Can't Row, You'll Have To Wade. 10-ABC-TV's CHARLES GIBSON IN CLOSEUP ON ELECTION NIGHT: He should watch those carbs. In profile he looks as though he swallowed Diane Sawyer. ************************************************ ISSUE 68-OCTOBER 13, 2008 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT DEATH IS GOING TO STOP ME FROM VOTING? Texas Watchdog, a news website that scrutinizes the actions of government agencies, bureaucracies and politicians in Texas, compared Houston's Harris County voter registration roll in the March 2008 Primary with the Social Security death index and found 4,462 registered voters who appear to be deceased (KPRC, October 8, 2008). Note: In 2000, Texas' former governor, George Bush, won the Presidential election with the help of the Supreme Court Let's hope that this year, all voters are alive, that the machines are functioning and the Supreme Court stays the hell out of it. 2-ROVE, THE LEAKY STOVE: In 2000, Karl Rove, George W. Bush's campaign manager, created malicious lies about John McCain, W's opposing candidate for the G.O.P. nomination. Now Rove is McCain's advisor, creating malicious lies about Barack O'Bama. Validating the Idiom: Turds of a feather stick together. 3-DOGGY DO? DOGGY DON'T! Petah Tikva, a Tel Aviv suburb, is using DNA analysis of dog droppings to reward and punish pet owners. (Reuters, September 16). Dog owners have been asked to take their animal to a municipal vet, who then swabs its mouth and collects DNA. The city will use its DNA database to match feces to a registered dog and identify its owner. Owners who scoop up their dogs' droppings and place them in specially marked bins on Petah Tikva's streets will be eligible for rewards of pet food coupons and dog toys. But droppings found underfoot in the street and matched through the DNA database to a registered pet could earn its owner a municipal fine. Hey, how about that liquid they're constantly spritzing on the sidewalks? 4-WELL, AT LEAST ONE ARCHITECT HAD GUTS: New York's 30 Central Park South building has a 13th floor. 5-GONE WITH THE WIND: A Charleston, West Virginia man, arrested for driving under the influence, has also been charged with battery on a police officer (Charleston News, September 24, 2008). As though being drunk wasn't enough, when an officer tried to get the driver's fingerprints, the latter moved up close and passed gas on the cop. 6-JET BLUE BALLS: New Jerseyite Kristine Johnson, on a Jet Blue flight to Newark from Ft. Lauderdale, claimed that a male flight attendant began what she thought was a friendly conversation, then moved on (CBS Broadcasting, October 2, 2008). "He...told me he was going to have nobody sit next to me because I was all his...He kept telling me that he wanted me. At one point he said, 'You know you want me,' and (he was) always grabbing himself..." She added that twice he tossed his cell phone, showing naked pictures of himself, onto her tray table. "I told him, 'You're disgusting. You know I'm married and I don't want any part of you,' but he kept going and going and going." Frantic, she escaped to the bathroom. He followed, making vulgar comments through the door. On her way back to her seat, she said he grabbed her buttocks. "I was really, really scared," she said. "Why I didn't get up and say something to somebody I don't know." Seven months later, the flight attendant was arrested on charges of "obscene and indecent exposure" and for making a "lewd, obscene and indecent sexual proposal." Rumor: Jet Blue has announced that it will not bill the passenger an extra fee for "personal attention." 7-THEY CAN'T STOP CHATTERING: At least once on every episode of TV's "Entertainment Tonight" and "Access Hollywood," a host will introduce a story with "Everybody's talking about....!" I mean, would life have any meaning if the entire world couldn't be endlessly discussing Britney, Paris, Kevin, the Simpsons and the Olsens? 8-GO AHEAD, IMBECIL--WASTE YOUR BULLETS! Miguel Caballero, a Mexico City clothing boutique, features leather jackets, polo shirts, windbreakers, parkas and white ruffled tuxedo shirts—all bullet-proof. (International Herald Tribune, October 6, 2008). The store's owner says that every sales staffer has had to take a turn being shot while wearing one of the products, which range from a few hundred dollars to as much as $7,000, so they can attest to the efficacy of the secret fabric. Jon French, who runs a local security company, said he considered the bulletproof luxury items more about ego than anything else. "Certain members of the well-to-do class here have a tendency to be ostentatious. You see it in their bodyguards and chase cars. Some of this is so while at the country club they can talk about how protected they are. Now they can say, 'Look, I'm wearing body armor!' " Do you want a color-coordinated Uzzi with that? 9-NOW THAT YOU'RE POTTY-TRAINED, HERE'S A GAME WE CAN PLAY: A 33-year-old Sanford, Florida woman, Kelly Lumadue, had sex with a 5-year-old boy and videotaped the acts (Local 6 News, September 19, 2008). As though to certify her idiocy, she then tossed the videos into a trashcan—where they were found by a garbage collector. After she was sentenced to life imprisonment, she told the court that her husband—a professional pornographer--had "made me do it." The victim didn't testify because he said that he doesn't remember what happened. Bet that kid will remember everything when he gets to high school. 10-IS SARAH PALIN AWARE that Russians can see her from their windows? **************************************************** ISSUE 67-SEPTEMBER 16, 2008 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-"I TAUGHT HER TO SHOOT A MOOSE AND DRESS IT...SHE STARTED SHOOTING A GUN WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT AND SHOT HER FIRST ANIMAL WHEN SHE WAS TEN. IT WAS SOMETHING SMALL, POSSIBLY A RABBIT." That's Sarah Palin's dad, Chuck Heath (Sun Online, September 15, 2008). One wonders: Since they were just a hop, skip and a jump from Russia, was she able to knock off a few reindeer in the coastal town of Anadyr? 2-WHAT I WOULD GIVE...to see Sarah hunting with Dick Cheney. 3-AND MORE: Since Sarah proclaims how fit she is for the job (any job, actually), there's something Biblical about the partnership: McCain & Able. 4-"CONDOM! CONDOM!--PICK UP!" A cellphone ringtone that chants "Condom, Condom!" has been launched in India to promote safe sex and tackle the growing HIV/ 5-YOU CAN GET A MAN WITH A GUN: Eighty-five-year-old Leda Smith, after hearing somebody breaking into her home in Marion, Pa. (A.P., August 19, 2008), grabbed the .22-caliber revolver she had been keeping by her bed since a neighbor's home was burglarized a few weeks earlier and faced the intruder. "I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it," Smith said. After the 17-year-old would-be robber called 911, Smith kept holding the gun on him until state police arrived at her home. Inspiration for yet another TV reality show: "DON'T F... AROUND WITH OLD WOMEN!" 6-HERE COMES THE...WHATEVER: On August 21, according to AP, "Hallmark, seeing a new market after California's gay marriage ruling, rolls out gay marriage greeting cards featuring two tuxedos, overlapping hearts or intertwined flowers, with best wishes inside--Two hearts. One promise,one says." Hallmark says the move is a response to consumer demand, not any political pressure. "'It's our goal to be as relevant as possible to as many people as we can,' a Hallmark spokeswoman said." Well, it's only a matter of time before some of the lesser-known (aka sleazier) greeting card companies join the fun, e.g.: ............... My love for you is like a rock ................Now be a pal and ------my ------. 7- BIG BROTHER HAS STOPPED WATCHING YOU: A former heroin-addicted elephant has emerged from rehab clean after a three-year detox program (London Telegraph, September 4. 2008). The four-year-old mammal--referred to as 'Big Brother', or 'Xiguang',in Chinese media reports--was captured in 2005 in southwest China by illegal traders who fed him heroin-laced bananas for several months to control him before they were arrested by police...."A year of methadone injections at five times the human dosage helped wean the elephant off heroin. Then Xiguang was released back into the wild but was soon sent to animal protection centre after his behaviour appeared to suggest he was suffering withdrawal symptoms from heroin. Now clean, Xiguang is expected to move to a wildlife park in Kunming - the capital of the elephant's home province of Yunnan." Where he and his fellow tuskers can smoke an occasional joint. 8-KEEP YOUR HANDS ON YOUR OWN POLE, YOU PERV! Since statistics show that 63 percent of women say they have been sexually harassed on subways, the New York City Transit System has launched an anti-groping campaign (CBS). People who get groped on crowded subway trains will be encouraged to report it to an employee or police officer. New York is taking a hint from Boston, whose subways feature posters reading "Rub against me and I'll expose you." Won't some weirdo misinterpret "expose"? 9-COULDN'T SHE HAVE LIVED ONE MORE WEEK? I WAS GETTING SO CLOSE! Mak Erot, an elderly Indonesian woman (aged anywhere from 101 to 130 ), famed nationwide for supernatural skills in lengthening penises--incorporating traditional herbs and Islamic prayer--died early in July (Agence France Presse). "While her legacy has been closely guarded by male descendents intent on maintaining the purity of the treatment, Mak Erot had become a pop-culture icon in everything from advertisements to teenage romantic comedy films." Let's see, now, who can play her in the U.S. film version? I see it as a comedy and would love for Mak to be played by Betty White, Bea Arthur or Judi Dench But casting her "clients" should be an all-time blast. I mean, how many actors will admit that they need enhancement? 10-OH, SURE, HORDES OF WOMEN ARE GOING TO BRAG THAT THEY'RE UNATTRACTIVE: John Moloney, mayor of Mount Isa, an Australian outback town--population 25,000--became the target of outrage when, in a weird attempt to correct the town's gender imbalance, he told a newspaper his town was a place for "ugly ducklings to flourish into beautiful swans" and called on the "beauty-disadvantaged" to flock there. (AFP, August 18, 2008). In his defense, he added, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty can be a good set of teeth, beauty is nice wavy hair. Beauty can be blue eyes or green eyes. And a not-so-beautiful woman can kick you where it really hurts, Mayor Shmuck. ************************************************ ISSUE 66-AUGUST 15, 2008 By Lawrence Eisenberg 1-IF CHARLES DICKENS WERE ALIVE TODAY HE MIGHT HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK ABOUT BUSH & CHENEY: "A Tale of Two Shitties." 2-HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T WANT FRIES WITH THAT: A Jacksonville, Florida--(PICK ONE)moron/ 3- WERE FRANCISCO GOYA'S RELATIVES CALLED GOYEM? 4-CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FIRST FASHION SHOW: Australian doctors have raised concerns about clinics offering vaginal cosmetic surgery, warnin |
